


Unexpected Changes

by BrookeStardust



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Romance, This Is STUPID, elephant - Freeform, how on earth did 50 shades of grey become a real book when this masterpiece didn't?, i really do not care for these books, im dangerous stay away, lack of beta reading, marriage issues, mind like an elephant bella, the longest and most dumb fanfiction ever, twilight - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-13
Updated: 2012-11-12
Packaged: 2017-11-18 13:49:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 57,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/561738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrookeStardust/pseuds/BrookeStardust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edward and Bella are finally running off into wedded bliss, but is being married to a vampire all it's cracked up to be? Now featuring special guests!</p><p> </p><p>This was originally posted on fanfiction.net with each chapter being published as soon as it was written. Some of the authors notes reflect that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Lax of Control

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction was co-written by one of my best friends. We've been writing it for literally years now. 
> 
>  
> 
> Neither of us are really fond of Twilight, but it is a fun world to write in. 
> 
>  
> 
> This fanfiction is the most beautiful thing we will bestow on the world. Just throwing that out there.

The last chards of rice were thrown at us harshly as we quickly climbed into the limo sent to zip us away into our newly wedded bliss. Tonight was the night that I could finally give my fully human self to Edward, something I've been dreaming of since I saw his perfect face in Italy a little over a year ago.

He turned those smoldering eyes to face me, interrupting my train of thought. "You look delicious, love," he said as his eyes reached glass-melting temperatures.

I couldn't breathe. You'd think after countless encounters with Edward's heavenly eyes I'd be able to handle the immense passion they sent, ravishing my body in desire, but I couldn't. I would've taken his perfect vampire body right in the back seat of the limo, but Carlise, Edward's "dad," insisted on driving us to the airport, where our flight to Memphis, Tennessee would whisk us away to Elvis-topia. It had always been Edwards dream to see Elivs's mansion.

"Bella," he said, once again derailing the train of thought, "Do you... do you mind? I... would... like to breathe on you."

My head wheeled as his exquisite words hit my ears. I could only weakly nod in compliance.

His sweet breath fanned my face only flaming the fires of my passion to a point that could wipe out an entire forest. How long was the flight to Memphis again? I think Edward and I might have to join the Mile High Club.

After what seemd like eleven lungs worth of suculant carbon dioxide, he stopped, looking out the window to see our "Elvis Air" airplane adorned with large rhinestones and paintings of "The King".

"We're here," he whispered, unable to contain his excitement.

His excitement was contagious. I felt the growing excitment in my chest as we headed towards the airport. However, my excitement was different from Edward's.

He was happy to be finally seeing the Elvis mansion, but I was happy to know that in a matter of minutes Edward would be pants down in the airplane bathroom, and not because he was pooping. I gave him a lustful once over just thinking of the hot enclosed in a tight sex we would soon have.

The airplane was smaller inside than I had expected and our seat was second to last. I didn't really mind though, we had prime real estate for what I wanted. Edward and I would be able to sneak to the bathroom without anyone noticing. As we took our seats and the helpful safety video played, I caressed Edward's thigh, letting him koow what was to come once the captain took the seatbelt light off and we were safely able to move about the cabin.

I made sure to continually stroke up and down his upper thigh, hoping to portray that soon his manhood would be feeling the same pleasure, and all I had to do was wait. Edward hadn't gone to the bathroom at the reception so it was a matter of time before it was necessary for him to clean the water pipes.

The light clicked on before we knew it and I turned eagerly to Edward. His face was screwed into an expression of disgust.

"Edward? What's wrong?" I asked, worried that I'd upset him somehow.

"There is a... man. Thinking very hard right now and it is rather distracting,"

he said through gritted teeth.

I put my hand higher on his thigh. "Does this help get your attention back?" I asked seductively.

"Yes, thank yo-OH GOD."

Edward writhed in pain in his seat, my attempts to arouse him futile. He seemed as if he saw something utterly disturbing, and then I knew what it was. From the bathroom I heard the sound of someone having some serious bowl movements. Just my luck. Of course, there would be some man in the bathroom with the trots when I wanted to join the Mile High Club.

Finally the man of torture came out of the restroom. I excitedly turned to the most amazing being(living and dead) occupying the earth. Unfortunately he was doing something unusally human...sleeping.

For once, I knew it wasn't just a facade to fool the humans around into thinking he was one of them. His slumbering face was peaceful and beautiful. I tried to take it all in, but he was staring ahead and I was only granted the beauty of the side of his face. However, his face held a disturbed expresson, and his forehead was beaded with sweat. My poor Cupcake was having a bad dream.

Before I could pick from my options for comforting my sweet cupcake (caress his sweaty brow, caress his heaving bousom, caress his pants) in his time of trial, Edward began to sleep-talk. I felt the moment become intimate. He was doing for me what I had done for him on so many nights.

"Oh god!" He mummered. I couldn't decided if his tone was that of a fit of passion or extreme disgust. Could my dear sweetums be having a wet dream? I truly hoped so.

"No! Only one tablet is the dose not the entire bar!" He screamed. People turned to stare upon his unnaturally beautiful face. He was obviously not having a wet dream.

Edward once again began to mutter, seemingly calmer than he was a moment ago "Projectile pooping. He could probably hit a target from a few feet away. The phrase "Oh God" is repeated quite a lot and very loosely, much like his bowels." It seemed as though he would soon quiet down after his drowse induced narrative was complete.

How wrong I was.

"NO NO NO!" he screeched, whipping his head back and forth violently. "He has clogged the toliet! OH MY DEAR SWEET JESUS IN HEAVEN!"

I watched with fascination as Edward's body began to tremble "NOT THE TILES. NOT THE TILES! IT'S SEEPING UNDER THE DOOR. JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER!" His trembles grew more and more violent as the image in his mind grew more and more graphic. I was reminded briefly of the time when Mike had dared me to google "two girls, one cup" except this seemed far, far worse.

The entire plan was staring at this point, luckily the planes wheels landed with a thud on the pavement, and Edward awoke. However, that wasn't the end of the sounds to come out of Edward. Along with the plane tires screeching to a halt came another sound that was not silent, but definitely deadly.

I know that he lacked blood, but I could have sworn that he blushed a deep shade of off-white in embarassment. Grabbing our well-stored overhead luggage, he muttered a quick "I'm sorry, Love" and glided me off the plane into Memphis International Airport.


	2. The Limp Noodle

I pouted on the way to the baggage claim. I did not get my sex, and I didn't know how much longer I could wait.

Edward feeling my frustration, leaned in, his lips brushing lightly across my ear lobe.

"Iam sorry my love," he brought his lips to my nose so I could smell his sweet breath. "The plane ride was very taxing for me. Soon I promise."

I melted. I couldn't be mad at such a dashing man, even if his previous fart could kill an entire nation.

Edward put his arm around my waist as we waited for our luggage. Once the goldenrod suitcases made their way into sight on the luggage belt, Edward swiftly grabbed them and returned before I could notice his arm gone.

"Shall we?" he asked, leading me out to where our second limosine awaited us. I couldn't believe it. The limo was even more luxurious than Carlise's and it had such a large, spacious, comfy back seat.

He held the door open and helped me climb in. The neon lights were a-blazin', perfect for a secret romp while the drive drove casually in the front. None, but my sweet and sexy Edward and me, would be the wiser to what was about to occur in the limo.

I grabbed the zipper to his dark wash denim jeans the second he took his place next to me in the back.

"Oh, Bella..." his voice was soft velvet and calling me to continue on. Picking up my pace, I pulled the zipper down revealing the tasteful plaid undergarments in which he clothed what I could only imagine was a very impressive member. I looked up at his smoldering, golden eyes hungrily and pulled his face to meet my own.

We embraced in a passionate kiss, clawing at each other the way only lions in heat do. He kissed down my neck slowly unbuttoning my blouse. I wanted to scream in extasy. The night I had been dreaming of was finally coming, after many a month of sexy persuesion. However, I had to keep mum for if the driver heard all my plans would be hopelessly destroyed for the second time that day.

Edward had his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer into the kiss, into him. The usual coldness which his body gave off was completely overpowered by my body's rising radiating heat. I slowly ground my bust into his chest, annoyed by the two layers of lacy and cotton-polyester fabirc between us.

"Edward," I whispered as seductively as I could manage in the heat of passion, "I want you to remove my bra."

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Bella" he whispered back, nodding his head towards the window.

We had arrived at the hotel. It was large, white and everything Elvis would have ever dreamed of. Edward looked like a child in a candy store as he gazed out the window. He quickly turned his attention back to me, clearly feeling as though he had offended me.

I held my shirt open for him to view my new lacy bra, "Just think of it as a preview of good things to come," I cooed.

He licked his lips with desire as we quickly resituated ourselves and headed toward the check-in desk.

"Hi. We have a reservation for two under Cullen," He leaned in an spoke roses to the burly woman, ripe with age, at the front desk.

As he and the woman delt out the proper information for us to aquire our honeymoon suite, I inconspiciously caressed his inner thigh and over the layer of denim that covered his 'little Edward'. I needed to keep his arousel level where it was as we got out of the limo.

He flinched with desire as he finished up the neccessary transactions in which we recived a room key. We quickly made our way to the elevators ready to tear at each others clothes as if this was the last chance we could ever have sex again.

The elevator doors swung open for us to find a vacant elevator. I smirked as we entered, it was time for Edward and I to have a kinky sex story to tell the kids.

"We're all alone here," I whispered into his ear before kissing down his neck.

"But what if someone comes on at one of the levels?" Edward questioned. Lightly pulling me off his body even though his eyes smoldered with need.

I smashed my hand against the 'Elevator Stop' button.

"I took care of that problem," I giggled, continuing where I had left off.

I had just started removing Edward's belt when the elevator started letting off a high-pitched beeping noise. I sighed, falling back to the wall in defeat, knowing that our first time would have to be in a bedroom. He probably would have wanted it that way anyway. Edward brushed my hair soothingly as a busty man entered the elevator and joined us.

"So. You folks on vacation?" he asked, making small-talk. Didn't he know we had a mood to maintain here? I didn't want to be making small-talk with some random guy who had just destroyed my cherry popping experience.

"Indeed," Edward replied politely. "It's always been my dream to visit Graceland after I get married. I've longed to share the special moment that is the Jungle Room with that special someone." He pulled me gently closer to him.

"Well. That's lovely, that sure is lovely. But you two won't have much time to sight-see what with this beein' yer honeymoon now, will you?"

"I'm sure we'll make do," Edward chuckled heartily. "Sex is only in the now. Elvis is eternal."

"Well ain't that the truth," the man smiled warmly at both of us. The bell dinged softly in the elevator. "Well, that's my floor. You kids have fun, ya' hear? Elvis brings joy to everyone and you kids are no exception. May the King be with you."

"Thank god!" I sighed with exasperation. "I thought he'd never leave!"

"He was a nice man," Edward recollected.

"Sex is only in the now?" I inquired. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I was just making polite talk," Edward leaned his head in for another passionate kiss. His breath lingered, along with the faint scent of the chicken from the reception, cuasing me to swoon.

"Now where were we?" I reached for the 'Elevator Stop' button again.

"Bella," Edward grabbed my hand pulling my body into a strong embrace, "You're like a dog in heat. Let's at least wait untill we get across the threshold to our suite,"

I wanted to argue, but his cold embrace kept me hypnotised. If my shnookums was a drug he'd definitely be oxycotton. His perfect muscles pressed hard against my body, and felt the vapors rise within me again. How did I manage to not tie him to the bed and have my way with him months ago was beyond me.

Not a moment too soon the bell for our floor finally went off. He picked me up wedding style and strode gracefully to our suite, sliding the keycard and kicking open the door. It was even more sexy than I had imagined. The hotel looked like one of the Japanese sex-hotels you read about in tour-guide books. The walls were lined with red satin and the bed was shaped like a large heart. On each table was a small model of Elvis in different states of his carrear from young Elvis to overly blubous old Elvis. Edward brought me to the bed and placed me down gently, holding his weight above me.

"Bella," he moaned again, his voice heaving with desire and lust. "If I don't probe my man-meat into your woman mound right now I think I'll absolutely die."

"Edward," I laughed heartiy. It pushed my arousal level to the peak, much like New York when she was talking to Buhdda in season two of I Love New York. "You're already dead,"

"Just shut up and take my pants off," He growled with sexiness.

We ravished each other, tearing off every artical of clothing we wearing until we were both fully naked on top of the heart shaped bed. However, there was one tiny problem. I was ready to finsh the Kentucky Derby, but it seemed that Edward still hadn't left the stalls.

"Hunny, aren't you aroused?" I questioned, directing his attention to his man hood.

"Yeah of course," his lips grazed my cheek to my lips to my other cheek. "Just give it alittle more time. it hasn't done it's job in one hundred years."

We continued with kissing and caressing for twenty more minutes, and still his member lay inactive in the flaccid position. My lips were getting chapped so I decided I needed to move on to more drastic measures. I kissed my way down his "happy trail", my final destionation was at his prized package.

As I reached my goal, I stared to take in the greatness that was Little Edward. It was better than any member I had ever seen, glorious in all ways (except for it's lack of reaction, of course.) Like a limp noodle it laid along the award winning pasta that was Edward's crotch.

"Maybe if you lick it?" he suggested, starting to sound worried that I might loose interest.

"Edward," I said, gazing up seductively at him. "I'm allerigic to gluten." I grinned and leaned in to give him a helping hand and tongue.

"Why isn't it working?" He exclaimed in frustration after another ten minutes of sucking that resulted in still an unaroused noodle.

"I don't know," I pouted. All I wanted was Edward Cullen's throbbing manhood in me, but I couldn't get his manhood to throb.

"Oh God!" He screamed and ran towards the bathroom.

"It's okay Edward. Let's keep trying," I mummered trying to gain access to the bathroom that was now locked.

"Hold on, Bella. I have an idea. I think I remember how I used to get this going when I was still human." He stopped talking and I heard encouraging grunts from the tiled room.

"That's right, Edward. No one really forgets. It's like riding a bicycle."

"I can only hope this wor--OW. Oh Jesus. Ow. People do this for fun?" he exclaimed, exasperated.

"Try some lotion dear. I'll be on the bed waiting," I seductively advised him.

I laid on the bed and waited for about five more minutes before Edward sprung from the bathroom. I jumped up ready for Edward ready to break out of the stalls and join me in the race.

"I'm calling Carlisle!" He cried. I was greeted with his still unerect penis.

His naked form was so georgous while he waited for Carlisle voice to answer on the other end. He was perfect and ripe for the sexing, if only we could've gotten the one most important part of his body working.


	3. Beef Swellington

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is written in Edward's POV just for the fangirls out there who want to get further into his head!
> 
> We're working really hard to make this the best EdwardxBella fic out there! Please read and review! We love comments and we'll be sure to read each one personally! Maybe if you guys really dig it, we'll do a special chapter just for the fans! :D

"UH

"UH. CARLISLE" I grunted, filled with anger at my lack of ability to perform when it was most critical.

"Edward, it's alright," my father replied, knowingly. "Honest, there is hope for you."

"But I don't want hope, I want HER." I demanded. "I know I sound like a child, but father, I WANT AN ERECTION. And so help me god if one doesn't come to me soon!"

"Edward? Edward darling? Calm down," my mother, Esme cooed. Apparently she had taken the phone in an attempt to calm my nerves. "Sweetie, you just need a little coaxing. Really. Your father was the same way when we first married."

"Oh mother," I sobbed. I longed to clutch myself to her and cry all the tears which had grown in my eyes rather than man's best friend. I clutched the phone to my ear and wept openly.

"Darling, don't you worry. I am going to send you an e-mail with the location where you can pick up a script for the medication Carlisle is going to perscribe to you. He's writting it now so you should get the e-mail in moments. Do you think you can handle waiting until it comes?"

"I..." I took a deep breath. "I think I will be able to handle it, mother. Thank you, thank you so much."

I hung up the phone, heaving a sigh that only a man with erectile dysfunction could heave. I turned towards my darling Bella, her body looking even more delicious sans clothing.

"What's the verdict?" she asked, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. I could barely keep it in my pants...kind of. In other words, had my penis been functional it would be raised at full mast with the singular touch from my dearest pudding pop.

"We..." I stammered, "We must wait. Carlisle is sending a perscriptions of sorts. It should be arriving via e-mail momentarly." I gave Bella a quick peck on the head, reassuring her that we would be sticking things where things have longed to be stuck momentarily.

I retrived my laptop quickly as to not be away from her side for too long of a time and repositioned myself upon the bed, Bella at my side, computer in my lap (oh how I wished the reverse were true!) The computer turned on and I went to check my e-mail, hopeful for a saving grace from above.

It has been confirmed. God hates me. Not only that, but he seemed to have told the whole world about my problem in a matter of mere moments.

"WHO WANTS EXECESS WASTE IN THEIR BODY? SPEW SPERM TODAY!"

"BE READY FOR ANY SITUATION WITH NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT"

"YOUR PENIS IS SMALL. SHE NEEDS BIG BIG BIG!"

"BE HUNG LIKE THE PROVERBIAL BLACK THAT THEY NEVER GO BACK FROM!"

"UNABLE TO PERFORM? SEXY SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE DISSAPOINTED IN YOU!"

"INCREASE THE GROWTH OF YOUR DICCKY!"

"BEEF SWELLINGTON!"

I was in shock. I was in horror. I was ashamed to even be considered part of the male race. I was a disgrace and the whole world knew about it. God had forsaken me because I was stuck in this wretched half-existance. Vampires were never meant for his love, I knew that, but to have the world know it as well...

Again, I wept openly.

In seconds Bella was positioned on my lap stroking my chest heaving with sorrow and unworthiness.

"It's okay," she cooed.

"NO IT'S NOT!" I screamed. "I'm a vampire GOD DAMMIT! I'm supposed to be perfect at everything...except eating human food...we don't do that," I knocked Bella off me and curlled up into the fetile position on the floor. Immature? Yes, but penis problems warrent this kind of reaction.

"Edward...?" Bella asked cautiously.

"No!" I inturrupted. "Bella, darling... you don't understand. I don't pop my collar, it gets an errection from touching me. MY COLLAR, BELLA."

"Edward... I--"

"IT'S HOPELESS! UNLESS MY PENIS CAN BE ATTACHED TO UPPER BODY CLOTHING, I AM USELESS!"

"Let's just refesh the page and see if the e-mail came," Bella's delicate fingers typed on my laptop. I wished so badly that those fingers were stroking my erect penis and that the e-mail wasn't coming, but I was.

"YAY!" Bella exclaimed, acting extremely mature for once. "The e-mail has arrived!!"

I Jumped up, a feeling of hope arising within my breast. I opened the e-mail with glee, only the glee that a man who will soon be ready for the races could have.

"Dear Edward," The e-mail began. "Since you and Bella missed our trip to the Cabin last month I thought I'd finally send these pictures we took so you wouldn't miss us too much while you two kids were away."

I scanned through photo after photo of the family. Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmet were smiling happily on a fishing boat in one picture, all three manhoods fully functional. The tears began to reform in my eyes as each picture brought no hope of a perscription.

I was about ready to throw the blasted machine which offered no hope for my future marital bliss out the Banana and Peanutbutter sandwhich shaped window when suddenly, at the bottom of the e-mail, I noticed a ray of hope shining in the darkness of my unswelled beef.

"What's it for?" Bella asked, her voice like the choir of angels shining down on this glorious moment.

"Viagra," I replied quickly. "Hurry, my love! We must find our local Consumer Value Store!"

I darted out the door only to realize that I had left the room without getting my clothing back on. A mother screamed and covered her little girls eyes before scurrying off. I ran back into the room, put on my pants, grabbed Bella, and we dashed off to save our honeymoon for a sacless session.


	4. Divine Intervention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Bella's POV. We hope you liked the interlude with Edward. From here, things are going to really get heated up! We've got ideas that would give any female the vapors so keep reading and please REVIEW! We love feedback! :D

Edward was more excited than he'd been all night, which isn't saying much seeing as he lacked in the excitement department, but as he ran to CVS, I couldn't help feeling the same elation that he must be feeling. The wind ran through my hair, his sweet body odor blowing into my nose like crack into the nose of an addict.

We stopped just outside the door of the famed pharmacy and Edward put me down. I noticed him taking a deep breath before crossing the threshold of the building.

"Don't worry, Edward. Everything is going to be alright now. Carlisle has never failed either of us before and I'm sure he won't now."

"You're right, yes Bella. I am just... how shall I put it? Titilated!" He galliantly entered into the CVS and headed for the pharmacy department.

"Can I help who's next?" A women with horn rimmed glasses, classic pharmaist grab, called.

Edward stepped up and handed the small slip of paper to the woman.

"I'm dropping off a perscription for Cullen," he stated with a more sensual voice than Barry White.

The women glanced at the perscription and then eyed Edward suspiciously over her glasses.

"Aren't you a little young for this?"

"It's a touchy subject," his velvet voice quivered with his answer.

"Okay...It won't be ready for about an hour."

"AN HOUR?!" Edward screamed, louder than was probably necessary. "Ma'am, you don't seem to understand how dire the situation at hand truely is!"

"Uh hunh."

"Ma'am, if there were a starving child here, about to die, would you make him wait an hour for food?"

"No, but that's not--"

"My penis is like a dying child!" Edward exclaimed, grasping te woman's shoulders and staring straight into her eyes. How she was able to keep herself from going limp at the action is far beyond my conception.

"Edward," I lightly pryed his hands from the woman's shoulders. "Let's go. There is nothing we can do. It will be all the more better with the longer we wait." (According to Justin)

"Okay," Edward slumped in conseccion as I lead him out of the CVS.

"Well we have an hour. What should we do?"

And then I saw it. A brown brick omage to the one thing that has survived throughout the centuries. GOD.

"Let's go to church!" I skipped across the street to where it was located. I thought maybe being in the presense of the Holy Spirit would quench the ever growing thirst to rape Edward for the time being.

The service filled me like no other I had experienced. I could feel the presence of God comforting me and bringing me the salvation which I so needed at this moment. I looked over to Edward and noticed his face, a look of extream concentration and determination in his flawless features.

"Saggy boobs. Saggy boobs. Saggy boobs." I heard Edward softly muttering under his breath.

"Edward, hunny?" I questioned.

"Bella, we have a slight problem." Edward directed me towards his pants only to reveal that the Word of God has pitched a tent under his pants.

"Quick! God later! Sex now!" I utter before practically throwing myself out of the pew and heading for the exit with Edward quickly following behind. I guess praying to God does help.

"Bella... this feels wrong." Edward muttered as we blessed ourselves before leaving the main vestablue.

"Oh Edward, but it'll soon feel so right," I said seductively.

"No, not that. Although that's a problem as well... but I feel... wrong about leaving God after he just did so much for us. Bella, I think we need to go back and finish the service."

WHY WAS EDWARD ALWAYS SO RIGHTOUS!! I truged back into church, dejected, angry, filled with pent up sexual rage! I had waited one year, and many a disappointing sexcapdes later to find that the one time Edward gets a boner we can't relive the situation.

The mass went on excruciatingly uneventfully, but soon it was over. All we had to do was make it past the preist ready the hand shake of the Lord, and we could go create some orginal sin.

We finally got to the front of the line where a priest, creased with old age and God, happily smiled waiting for our thanks.

Edward got there first, extenting a pefectly fingered hand towards the priest.

"Thank you for the lovely service," he dripped greatfulness from ever orifice.

"Thank you!" The priest said, then directing himself to Edward's current situation. "It's nice to see someone get so excited over God."

Edward chortled politely at the man's unfunny and slightly pedofilic joke. I glanced down as we walked out of the church to make sure that the blessing from the Lord was still going strong.

It wasn't.

With each step we took off the property, Edward's circus was loosing clowns.

And when we stepped out side all Hell broke loose.

"OH GOD!" Edward shreiked his voice sounding like that of a twelve year old fan girl at a Miley Cyrus concert. "It's him!"

I looked in the direction where Edward's horrified eyes glanced. It was a fat man in a dirty white t-shirt eating a bean burrito.

"Who is that?" I asked softly rubbing his back.

"THE MAN FROM THE AIR PLANE BATHROOM!"

I glanced down, and noticed there were no more clowns in Edward's tent. The clowns had all left in the tiny car that was a fat man's bowel issues.

Edward looked just like Chance when he was faced with kissing Mr. Boston. The look of horror and disgust was too much for me to handle. I grabbed Edward's arm and tried to pull him away from the situation. Silly me as I forgot that he was like granite.

"OH GOD. DON'T EAT THE BURRITO!" Edward screamed running across the street to try to stop the man from beginning the process of creating gassious fumes which could whipe out the city. The man glanced up and the whole thing seemed to propell itself into slow motion. Edward made a jumping reach for the burrito but the fat man was too fast for him. Edward tumbled onto the ground, trying to plead wth the man for the sake of the city. For the sake of everyone. For the sake of Elvis.

The man paused, the outcome looked bright until he took the buritto, unwrapped it and placed the whole thing in his mouth, swallowing with an overly satisfied look on his face.

If I thought Carlisle on LSD was scary, the look in this man's eyes just made him seem as cuddly as Quill.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Edward screamed throwing his hands up to the heavens.

The man turned his bum to face Edward and bent, ready unleash a fart to end all farts. The Great Fart. World Fart One.

I ran to save my honey lumpkins. I pushed him away just in time as the man let one rip if you will. I took the whole brunt of the wind that had passed. If it had a color it would be bright orange it was that pungent with aroma. I laid lifelessly on the sidway gasping for clean air as the far sent wafted gently over me.

"Bella!" Edward ran to my side, his breathing in the off position. "BELLA! We're going to get through this!" He lifted me up and strode saftely away from the scene of the fart.

I gasped the cool clean unegg-like smelling air as Edward continuted to leave Burrito man behind. It had been an hour, and CVS had our sex elixer waiting for us.


	5. Prayer Cards and Newtons

The counter seemed so far away as we walked through the CVS. I could almost smell the sex wafting towards us from those tiny blue pills. Each step towards the pharmacy brought me a step closer to knowing Edward in the biblical sense.

"Pick up for Cullen!" Edward stated, fast and meshed together, when he was about three feet away from the counter.

My insides quivered with enthusiasm as the pharmasist headed in the back to retrevie our bedroom helpers. We would soon be doing the big nasty and all my wildests Vampirey dreams would come true.

Edward penned his name to the paper thus passing the pure pills into our posession. Extatic, I went and grabbed a bottle of minieral water for him to swallow the little friend down with and we headed to the check out line.

Reaching the line we noticed yet another snag in our shag. An elderly woman not long for this world was ahead of us. Infront of her, she had a pile of pennies and a package of Depends. It was almost endearing, how she was counting the pennies to properly pay for her adult diapers.

Her arthrtic hands slowly counted each penny at a time in order to acheive two dollars and fifty cents worth of pennies.

"One dollar," The women counted quietly to her self. "One dollor and one cent," a sound of little kids crashing through the aisles forced her feeble head up. When she turned back down, she seemed to be confused. Soon after she pushed all her pennies into the uncounted pile. "One, two, three," she began recounting her pennies again.

Edward's face flushed to a deep pale. He was getting visibly annoyed. His jaw clentched in annoyance as he fished around in his wallet for two dollars and two qaurters.

"HERE!" he screamed, almost giving the poor woman a heart attack. "TAKE THE STUPID MONEY!"

"Oh... dearie me," the woman answered him feebly. "What a kind young man." She turned again to her pennies, "Now... how much do I owe you?"

"NOTHING. GOD WOMAN!" Edward once again screamed.

"Oh, well that just won't do," she retorted, searching in her purse. Pulling out a stick of gum and a prayer card, she handed the items to Edward. "There we are."

Edard visibly shook with anger, and sexual frustration, as he snatched the useless items from the old lady.

"On the plus side," I tried to calm my dear sweet Edward down, "Prayer seems to turn you on." When Edward is in church he isn't the only one that rises for the Apostle Creed.

Edward glowered in my direction as he jammed the ten dollars into the self-checkout. The machine wirled and sputtered and finally farted into a non working state. Edward had jammed too hard. I vwondered if that was a coming attraction of later that night. My loins quivvered with excitement imaging his inserting of the top dollar into my change machine.

"OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" he screamed again as he smacked the machine with viggor. "Will nothing go right for me today?!" Edward hit the machine once more with his fist and his head followed soon after. His flawless back began to tremble as, once again, Edward broke into an open weep.

"Why... Why can't I just have an errection?" he cried as he fell to his knees, sobbing openly. "All I want is to take Bella to be my own. I just want to thrust! To plunge! To impose! To push into her! Is that so much to ask, Lord? IS IT?" He looked down at his prayer card and gum, tears streaming down his face and leaving small watermarks on the cardboard. Saint Anthony, the parton saint of lost items, smiled a serene smile back at him causing yet another wave of tears down my beloved cupcake's face.

"WHY GOD? WHYYYYYY?" He bellowed, throwing fisted hands up to the heavens. People were staring.

"Hunny, Hunny," I rubbed his back trying to calm his heaving sobs. "We can just go to the regular checkout."

"We can?" his crying stopped as if his tears were controled by a faucet.

"Yes. Yes we can."

"HOT DOG!" Edward jumped up with vivacity, the same vivacity that made me fall in love with him, and sprinted to the assisted checkout only a mere two feet away. "Let's do this!"

He threw his ten dollars on the counter without saying two words to the cashier, and then snatched the viagra and me before dashing out of the CVS without waiting for a recepit.

We rushed back to the hotel with the speed that only a child who had been denied food and was now recieving it could rush. He popped the little blue friend into his mouth, downed his mineral water, and then sad on the bed.

"It takes about thirty mintues to work," he explained as I started derobing myself. "Might as well wait for the big show and not bother starting the activities early. Should we order room service?" he asked calmly.

'ROOM SERVICE?" I demanded. I wanted my sex, I wanted my sex badly. But, as he always was, Edward was right. It would be silly to waist the half-an-hour we had before the big moment, so I begrudgingly agreed, handing him the menu.

"Oh look, Bella! They have Fig Newtons! I love Fig Newtons. They're not a cookie, they're fruit and cake, you know." Edward said jovially.

"Yes, Edward. Yes. I know. Fruit and cake. Fine. Whatever."

"You seem a bit put-off, Bella darling," Edward observed.

"I just don't like the idea of this waiting thing! I've waited so long already! Nineteen years of my life have passed me by without prodding your member into my bits! I don't want to wait another moment!"

"Soon, my love. I can already feel a tingling. I think this is a good sign."

I sighed as Edward rang up some Fig Newtons from the room service.

"They'll be here in fifteen minutes!" he stated with the excitement of a kid who just got a toy store from his parents, once he hung up the phone.

"Cool. " I relied without emotion. Now I know why people of the religious profession are always so grouchy. This no sex thing was killing me, and God can always fulfill ones desires.

"Oh come on!" Edwards tone changed sharply. "It's a measley twenty-five minutes! I've waited over one hundred years. I've been a very very lonely man Bella. All I want is a few Newtons before we get started. Is that too much to ask."

Edward shot me puppy dog eyes, and I melted. His happiness was enough to put of sex until he could eat some delicious fruity and cakey treats.

"It isn't, I'm sorry Edward. I'm being impatient, but can you blame me? I've been longing for so long! And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!" I qouted without mentioning the source in the footnote. All this deprovation was making me a little crazy, denying Newtons, forgetting copyright laws...

Setting the full force of his eyes on me, Edward sighed, letting me get my girly movie quotes off my chest. "Are you quite done?" he asked.

"...Yeah, yeah I think I'm good now." I replied, substantially calmed.

"Good, because the roomservice bellhop is almost here and I wouldn't want you to embarass yourself infront of him. He believes himself to be very much a ladies man and I wouldn't want to kill his buzz. Poor sport."

Sure enough, the bellhop knocked lightly on the door a minute later. As Edward went to open the door I noticed that something else had just arrived as well.

"Hello my good sir!" Edward greeted the man with cheeriness, his pants protruding from his crotch.

"Hello sir." the Bellhop returned trying hard not to focus on the perfect denim lump in Edward pants. "Um...Here's your roomservice."

"OH BOY!" Edward jumped in place. "Let the heavens rain puppies and rainbows upon the world! My Fig Newtons are here!"

"Um have you been drinking sir?" the Bellhop inquired.

"Only the sweet smell of Newtons!" Edward once again jummped for joy, but seems destracted on his flawless landing. It would be a ten dismount in the Olympics.

"Oh. OH look-ey there!" Edward was now staring at his pants. "What ya know? The little bugger just surprised me. Well I guess the nights going to be even better than just devoring scrumptous not cookies but fruit and cake, ay?" he nudged the bellhop with a devious grin on his face.

"Can just have my tip please?" he asked.

"Sure me boy! For really stubborn stain use Club Soda!" with that Edward slammed the door on the confused and somewhat disturbed Bellhop.

"Now," he spoke to his Fig Newtons. "It's just you and me...and Bella! Look hunny! Fig Newtons!"

As angry as I was that here Edward stood erecting and not wanting to do the sideways tango, it was hard to stay mad at him when he was being as cute as a stuffed hippo.

He ate his Newtons with the vigour which I was soon to engage myself in. A smile spread across his face each time the confectionary delight touched his lips. I felt slightly envious as he never looked at me with such love, but I stopped such thoughts from becoming unflattering. Edward would never devour me and I continuted to exist for such a wonderous reason.

Once he had finished his figs, he stood and removed his belt thus allowing his pants and long-johns and underwear to fall.

"Shall we?" he asked, his voice smouldering with love, lust and (most importantly) tumescence.


	6. A Shag with Viag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem used at the beginning of this chapter was written by my college buddy Charlotte. Used with permission.

**EDWARD CULLEN'S POINT OF VIEW**

The night was so wonderous.

I have decided to write an ode.

"Dear sweet lover

I just can't get my brick to stand

I'm gonna need more than just your sweet hand

There's something wrong in my pants and it's rad

I think it's genetic, I got it from my dad.

So I heard they made this new magic drug

That will keep me inside of you all straight and snug

So let's try this baby don't be sad

I'm gonna shag you

a shag with Viag"

The experience, words cannot describe how amazingly pleasurable it was. I cannot form words that would recreate how absolutely fantastic every mere moment was. If I could dream, I would never in my wildest dreams be able to recreate the time I spent last night.

After I dropped my pants, Bella quickly shed the poposterous covering she wore over her boyd. If it were up to me she would walk around naked twenty four seven.

I smashed my lips against her. My stomach full of Newtons and my heart aflame with desire I was ready to take Bella where no man had gone before. The absolute state of bliss Cosmopolitan says you can have with sex if it was done in the right postions.

I shed the rest of my clothing inbetween kissing my woman in various places, and I got ready of the big dig.

"Edward, I've waited my whole life for this night!" Bella breathed as we got into sexing postion.

"Tell me about it!" I grunted and inserted my favorite friend into Bella's prized possession.

I had expected the whole experience to be louder fom Bella's point of view. I was growling and moaning up a storm but she remained silent. Perhaps the feelings were too much for her to handle. I jirated my hips back and forth, the friction between the two of us began to be too much to handle. I threw my head back with vigour, letting out a breathy "TWENTY THREE SKADOO!" and allowing my well ripened sperm to flow free into the wide world.

\--

**BELLA'S POINT OF VIEW**

I was whelmed.

I guess the years of no sex and masterbation had made my Edward quite sensitive in the penile contact area because after about two and a half thrusts he was done. It was good while it lasted, but not exactly what I was hoping for in my wedding night of passion.

"PHEW!" Edward sighed as he took postion next to me on the bed. "I'm spent!"

I stroked his chest lightly hoping to get the jucies flowing again. He had one hundred years of sprem tucked away in his scrotem, I knew he could do more than one session.

"Oh hunny. Just relax for now. Round two will start later."

"Round two?" he asked bewildered. "You weren't satisfied with round one?"

"Oh, Edward. It's not that. Round one... Well, I was working to satisfy you and make sure you got the best experience out of it. I'm hoping that round two... well, maybe we'll switch roles? Maybe you'll be the pleaser and I the pleased?"

"...You wern't during the first round?"

"Oh, no. I was. Edward, I just want even more of you."

"You're lying."

"Edward, I--"

"SHUT YOUR FACE WOMAN!" Edward cried. " Why you gotta do me like that?" he demanded. "I worked so hard to make it great for you. I communicated! That's thekey! I read it in cosmo! I made noise, I thrusted. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME, BELLA?! WHAT MORE?"

"Maybe more than two and a half thrusts?" I requested timidly.

Edward screamed violently, punched a pillow, and ran to the bathroom locking the door behind him.

"Come on baby. Don't be like that!" I called from the bed that should've been marinated in Bella and Edward jucies.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" he bellowed.

"I'm sorry hunny! Just let mommy have some more suger."

"YOU ARE NEVER GETTING NEAR LITTLE EDWARD AGAIN, YOU SADIST!" he yelled. I pushed my ear to the bathroom door hearing him mutter about "How could she expect me to do more than two thrusts? Doesn't she know there are NERVE ENDINGS in there? Does she expect every part of me to be made of granite?! INSENSITIVE!"

I sighed, resting my head to the doorframe and waited for my love to return to me and try again.

He didn't.

I waited all night and into the morning for Edward to remove himself from his tiled haven. It wasn't until I recieved a phonecall from Carlisle that he removed himself from the shrine.

"Let me talk to Carlisle!" he demanded hold his hand out for the phone.

I complied just happy to see him.

"TERRIBLE!" he growled into the phone. "WOMEN! NEVER SATISFIED! I KNOW! WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT ME TO BE? A SEXUAL PLEASURE MACHINE! I'M JUST A MAN WITH MAN WITHOUT A BEATING HEART!"

I listened to one side of the Edward-Carlisle conversation, pangs of guilt wracking my body watching my dear Edward in such an upset state.

"BYE!" he grunted before hanging up the phone. "Well!" he huffed. "You know where to find me!" he held back tears as he ran back to the bathroom.

I stared down at the phone and carefully dialed Esme's phone number.

"Hello?" she answered in her lovely voice.

"Esme... May I ask you a personal question? A question which you may not want to answer but I need your honest imput as a woman."

"Bella, sweetheart, what is it?"

"HOW MANY THRUSTS, ESME? HOW MANY?"

"...What? Bella, I don't underst--"

"HOW MANY TIMES DOES CARLISLE THRUST HIS LITTLE DOCTOR INTO YOUR HOSPITAL BEFORE YOU ARE FINISHED?"

"..."

"HOW MANY, ESME?" I screached.

"...Two times, Bella. Two times."

"So two and a half?"

"Well, Edward is young. Did he wear you out? You should have let him know dear. Communication is key."

"...WEAR ME OUT? What do you think I am?"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart. Two and a half thrusts is very good for your age. At your age, Alice and Jasper managed two and one fourth, so you're ahead of the game. He'll calm down soon. Don't worry, two will come soon."

"WHAT? ONLY TWO THRUSTS!! AREN'T YOU PEOPLE SUPPOSTED TO BE SUPER HUMAN?" I felt as if I fell into a world where sex was terribily boring.

"Yes of course. We're very senistive about that stuff. Why do you think we have to do it so much? Humans thrust more than twice?"

I screamed a scream of a women who had not be sexually pleasured before just slamming down the phone.

"I'm going out!" Edward stated curtly soon after I finished talking to Esme.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"Don't you wanna try again?" I ebraced his stone body sensously.

"You've wounded my pride Bella. My pride and my ego. I don't think I can go on stage for awhile. I'll be getting more Fig Newtons. Don't look for me. I don't know when I'll be back."

"But Ed-" my plea was inturrupted by Edward slamming the door behind him.

I watched his perfect body leave the room and dejectedly sat on the bed. I picked up the room service menu, deciding that I may as well distract myself while Edward went and rebuilt his pride.

I scanned the menu boredly, until an eclectic combination came into my view. Cheese wiz and fruit roll ups. I picked up the elegant hotel-room phone and dialed room service once again.

"Hello? Yes. I'd lile the number 69 please. Yes, yes. Thank you." I hung up the phone and robed myself in some naughty negleegee (all I had brought with me beyond my travel clothes) and waited for the delivery to be made.


	7. Bell Hoppin' and There's Just No Stoppin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in updates, fine readers. We have been apart for far too long due to a thing we don't like to refer to as school but rather refer to as Harold.
> 
> While this chapter is short, it is but one of many upcoming chapters in the wonder saga of Unexpected Changes.We shall continue to write, we hope you continue to read. If you suddenly stopped reading we worry for your sudden bout of illiteracy. You should have that checked out sometime.

Within twenty minutes my fruit rolls and cheeze wiz was at the door. I swung the door open even before the Bellhop had time to finish his first knock. I found myself staring up at the same bellhop that delivered my Edward his Fig Newtons a mere thirteen hours before.

I don't know if it was the lack of good sex or the florescent lighting, but the bellhop looked unbelievable attractive with his dyed brown hair that was lightly fading to gray. I felt like I was back in the middle ages as his front gap teeth sent my body into a twitter. That coupled with his chalky back and his holding his hands behind his back in a weird angle was more than my female desires could handel. I shoved my cart of cheeze wiz and fruit rolls down the hall, and pulled the Bell Hop into the room.

"What are you dong?" the belhop asked, his voice like a herd of lions growling into the night.

"I'm releasing the inner vixen," I said, pushing him down on the bed.

"By the way!" he replied, tossing his hands back. "You remind me of that time I saved a girl's life. She was going to kill herself but she started calling me every night and I saved her."

His story threw me into a deeper pit of desire. A man who would fight for the life of another, I could only dream to be so lucky to possess such a heavenly being.

"What is your name, my beautiful HUNK OF MAN-MEAT?!" I requested in a voice like velvet.

"My name is John Guevremont," he smiled, the space in his teeth causing the vapors in my nethers. "Some people pronounce it wrong though. Don't do that. My brother pronounces it wrong. I hate that. It's Gev-er-mont not this... Guuuu-vern-mont nonsense."

"Well, John Guevremont. Save my life and stick you man meat into my hogee."

I smashed his lips onto mine. I didn't care if people pronounced his name wrong. All I wanted was his French-Canadian manhood inside me. I felt his manhood throb against my thigh as I let my tounge explore the cavernous space within his two front teeth.

"Would you look at that?" John pulled away from our passionate embrace. "Have you never seen a finer looking penis. Now this is a penis that was made to write musicals!"

"Yes," I replied a little annoyed. Was every man I tried to have sex with incompetent in some way? "I bet you and I could make wonderful music together if you just did the necessary actions with that erect little wonder."

"I mean, seriously, I haven't been circumscribed but this baby is so great you can't even tell!"

I looked down at his manhood, standing tall in the light of the florescents. I had to admit, it was a fine piece of man. All... skin and veins and urinary tracts and tubing and some muscle and maybe a bit of fat that didn't alter the shape or size. It wasn't the granite statuesque member of my Edward, but I admit, it did look like the right tool for the job.

The job of sex.

"It's quite nice," I restated as I began to gentley stroke his lovely music maker.

"Tell me about it! Why am I not a porn star? Actually there was that one time...oh no, wait. That was me just crying in the parking lot of a Dunkin Doughnuts, but of I ha-"

"CAN WE HAVE SEX ALREADY?" I lost it I wanted sex and I wanted it so bably I was ready to sell my soul to the devil for it.

Unfortunately for me I screamed this at the wrong time. For a click could be heard in the door as Edward swung th door open.

His powder ringed mouth dropped open as the rest of his Newtons fell with a thud to the ground. He looked like a young child who just realized Santa did not exsist, and mommy and daddy were getting busy under the tree instead of lining it with presents.


	8. I Just Don't Know How This Threesome Happened!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first few lines of the Canterbury Tales are property of the (very) late G. Chaucer. Not us. Technically, we should be saying that the characters from Twilight are also not ours, but really? Really now people? Duh.

"WHAT IS THIS?" Edward bellowed pulling my naked body away from the naked body of John, a man who would be a perfect English teacher if he wasn't so dedicated to being a bellhop.

"Edward!" I gasped. Who knew he would be back so soon? I wasn't the one with the ability to read minds. "This isn't what it looks like!"

"Well it certainly isn't an anatomy lesson!"

"Well actually," John cut in. "Technically it could be."

"AND WHO A-" Edward stopped mid-sentence. His eyes locked on to John's still surprisingly erect penis. "YOU HAVE ONE BEAUTIFUL PENIS!"

"Thanks! Try to get this broad to understand the greatness of it!" he gestured towards me.

"She doesn't appreciate any penises!" Edward muttered from beneath a scowl.

"Don't I know it," John agreed. "I mean, here I was, in the prime of me hour, strutting to the stage and all she wanted was the climax instead of the exposition! So much like youth in this day, to not want proper story structure. They just want the action. This is why I hate going to movies, all the kids do is talk and text and make out and it's so noisy! I hate it!"

"I agree completely," Edward replied, sitting beside John on the large, heart shaped bed, pushing me off. "Stories now are nothing compared to the works of masters past. I cannot see anything in modern times which compares to the awe inspiring power of..."

"You cannot be thinking..." John gasped.

"Oh, but I am!" Edward grinned.

"THE CANTERBURY TALES!" they both cried out in complete and pure joy.

Then, to my utter surprise and horror, they began reciting the opening prologue to the tales. In Middle-English. I sat, jaw dropped as these men recieted olde tyme poetry to each other. Oh, how I wished for Edward to write a sonnet for me, to declare prose in my honor, how I longed for him to speak roses and sunsets and sage to me on the beach, naked while lying in the sand.

Instead, I was 'blessed' with the 'wonderful' Geoffrey Chaucer's best known (and probably only) work.

" Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote

The droghte of March hath perced to the roote

And bathed every veyne in swich licour,

Of which vertu engendred is the flour;

Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth

Inspired hath in every holt and heeth

The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne

Hath in the Ram his halfe cours yronne,

And smale foweles maken melodye,

That slepen al the nyght with open eye-

(So priketh hem Nature in hir corages);

Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages

And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes

To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;

And specially from every shires ende

Of Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende,

The hooly blisful martir for to seke

That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seeke." They recited, getting more excited with each line, until they were screaming the last line at the top of their lungs.

After, Edward walked to where he had left his Newtons to lie, perfectly contained with in the freshness re-sealable pouch.

"Newton?" he offered one of his sacred goods to John. An honor I had yet to acheive.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW THEY ARE MY FAVORITE!"

"THEY'RE NOT COOKIES! THEY'RE FRUIT AND CAKE!" The both squealed in unison before chowing down on the figs.

"But seriously," Edward's tone changed to one of seriousness. "How do you keep your penis looking that amazing? Teach me your ways, oh master!"

"Well my dear boy, I let it soak in shea butter for twenty minutes each day before I give it a light exfoliant and then finish off with my secret ingrediant."

Edward leaned in close to John to hear the key in awesome penises.

"I...use...Curel on it."

"NO WAY! I've always wanted to, but I wasn't sure how it would be on the bits."

"Just a thin layer now. Just enough to keep it smooth and gliding nicely for the ladies!"

At that I let out an audible scoff. Like Edward needed to please the ladies. He could only manage two and half thrusts.

"Well, some are unpleasable," John said to Edward, patting his shoulder consolingly. "I'm sure you did your best for her. Sometimes you just find that uncatachable fish. You've got to give yoruself credit for doing the best you could to catch it. But when it gets away with your heart, money, bank account, house, kids, dog, mom's good China, some silverwear, the comfy chair... well, you've got to know when it's time to give up."

"Yes..." said Edward, nodding solemnly. "Yes, I believe you are correct. I have tried my hardest... two and one half thrusts,"

"Not bad!" John interjected.

"I didn't think so," Edward responded. "But... women. You know? Never satisfied. They don't know the feelings of a man. I... now, I must admit, I am not lacking in the southern regions, but..." he sighed a heavy sigh. "She makes me feel so... so... Inadiquite!"

"May I?" John asked. "May I look upon your tool of the trade?"

Edward nodded, removing his pants for this stranger much faster than he ever did for me. It took me years to woo Edward to the point of no-pants. As Edward slid the unnecessary garment off his Adonis body, I let out a soft moan. No man could be as sexually pleasing to look at as my Edward. His evey muscle shone through his granite skin, rippling with his every move.

John nodded approvingly. "Not bad," he said, patting Edward like an old pal. An old pal who pats people on the penis. "Not bad at all. You just need the Curel, you'd be all set."

"You think so?" Edward asked, looking down at his limp noodle. "I feel as though it could do with more..."

"Perhaps a spray tan?"

"Would that work? Do you think?"

"The ladies love a tanned bod," John nodded. "Trust me, I know."

"I have so much to learn. Teach me all your ways!"

"I would, but I should probably get back to work! Don't wanna loose this job! Here's my cell," John pulled out a little buisness card from the jacket in which he threw over her messily clothed shoulders. "Call me if you ever need any more advice. I'm a wealth of knowledge. So knowledgeable, I can't enjoy the fact that my kids soccer team won their last game."

"NO!" Edward clung to John's knee as he tried to leave. "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! I NEED YOU!"

"It's okay," John padded Edwarded softly on the head. "I've taught you well enough to go out on your own. You don't need me anymore."

"NO PLEASE!" Edward cried as John shook loose from Edwards grasp and quickly flitted out the door.

"WHY?" Edward collapsed on the floor in a mass of heavy sobs. "WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE?" he sobbed into the carpet. "HE KNEW ME SO WELL! HE WAS ALL I COULD EVER ASK FOR!"

"Edward," I knelt beside him and tried to wrap my arms around his quivering body.

"NO!" he bellowed before running into the bathroom. "A TOILET AND NEWTONS IS ALL THE COMFORT I WANT RIGHT NOW!"

"But Edward," I pleaed, once again, with a closed bathroom door. "I'm your wife. I'm here to help you through the tough times. No matter how strange and alarming about you sexuality they might be."

"YOU DON"T GET ME BELLA! YOU DON'T GET ME, AND YOU NEVER WILL!"

I stared at the bathroom door in complete shock. "I... don't get you?" I asked in a small voice. "I? I who raised you? I who comforted you during the Exlax? I who brought you from the vally of the shadow of death and you feared no evil for I was with you? I DON'T GET YOU!?" I turned, huffing. "WELL MISTER MIND-READER. DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE? YOU DON'T GET ME!?" I fell to the floor, huffing loudly. "WELL... FINE THEN! MAYBE I DON'T GET YOU! BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CERTAINLY DON'T GET MISTER EDWARD CULLEN!?"

"What?!" he called through the door, still obviously in tears.

"YOU DON'T GET ME!" I screamed.

"YOU JUST SAID THAT, BELLA!" he yelled back.

"SHUT UP! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T UPSET ME SO, I WOULDN'T REPEAT MYSELF STUPIDLY! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT EDWARD CULLEN! YOU AND YOUR STUPID ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE SATISFIED WITH WHAT I HAVE BELLA?"

"WHY COULDN'T WE JUST HAVE MORE SEX? WHAT MAN DOESN'T LIKE TO DO IT MORE THAN ONCE IN ONE NIGHT? CAN YOU TELL ME THAT? I KNOW YOU'RE ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND ALL, BUT THE TIMES HAVEN'T CHANGED THAT MUCH!"

With that Edward opened the door. A devious and seductive smile was spread across his face. His tears gone.

"It's more sex you want, ay?" Edward picked me up and threw me on the bed.

He climbed on top of me taking off his clothing as quickly as his mood had changed.

"I think I might be able to manage that!"


	9. Inner thighs a vagina do not make

My excitement level peaked. Edward was willing to try once more, for the sake of our marrage, for the sake of my pleasure, for the sake of sex. He breathed heavily along my skin, causing ripples of goosebumbs to erate from the spot.

"Mmm... Edward..." I moaned deeply. "That's it... that's the ticket... The ticket to my swelling..."

"Oh yeah," Edward grinned as he looked upon my supple flesh.

We fond ourselves once again, fully naked on the bead that "The King' himself seemed to have designed. His beastial hands, strong with the desire of my womanhood, splayed my legs open for the thrust. He whipped his penis into place, a satisfied look upon his face.

"I remembered to take the pill a half hour before AND added the thin layer of Curel like John recommened!"

I'm very proud of you honey," I cooed and moaned. "Now just stick it in there!"

Edward placed his penis delicalitly to the opening of the gates of paradise, freshly mowed might I add. I waited for the initail thrust to begin. I began to close my legs to creat a nice tight space for my dear Eddie's penis. Cosmopolitain explains that the tighter the maximum pleasure for both parties! And boy did I want maxiumum pleasure after my night of sexual dissapointment.

I waited for the pressure of his Godly penis to park in my parking lot. I waited. And waited. And waited.

"Oh yes... Oh baby..." Edward moaned above me as he rocked his hips back and forth. I glanced up, noticing how gorgeous his mid-thrust face was. He was like a painting created by one of the ancient masters, flawless in every way except for the light cracking due to age and oxidation on the paint. I glanced down between my legs, knowing that I should be feeling something from his work. There was a sliding motion, but it wasn't within the amusement park of my body.

Edward was a golfer hitting for the 18th hole when he was playing a 16 hole game.

"OH MAN!" He growled, his primal instincts showing through. "This fit is so tight and amazing! Just like Cosmopolitain said it would be. However, it is a bit dryer that I would've imagined," He paused his thrusting to ponder this thought.

"Uh dear?" I contemplating telling him the truth. He had been awful sensitive as of late.

"What? Are you loving this just as much as I am. Is it as good for you as it s for me, as the cool kids would say!" he wiggled his eyebrows, and began to continue his college trying thrusts.

"Uh Edward? I can tell you why it's so dry down there?"

"WE FORGOT TO PICK UP SOME LUBE! THAT'S WHY!" He snapped his fingers as if he just discovered to formula for safe teleporting.

"No." I heaved a sigh at how dense my love could be. "You're not thrusting in my lady lump."

"That's preposterious! I'm between your legs thrusting. Why where else..." he looked down. I didn't have to tell him for him to catch on. He clearly saw he penis gently being cradeled between my two thighs.

"...Lube." He stated once more, denying the fault being his own. "I once saw that they carried different flavors. I believe, Bella, that what you need is Banana Pineapple. I think Strawberry would only harm the situation. I didn't know your condition was so dire."

"...Edward, I don't have a condition. I'm fi--"

"It must be a human thing," he decided. "I should have asked Carlisele. He would have prepared me for such encounters. Although I can't say I'm not... disgusted."

"What?!" I demanded.

"Bella. I realize you are Italian but no one should consume so much yeast!" Edward said, matter-of-fact-ly.

"I do not have a yeast infection, Edward," I said, unamused. "If I were, I would not be dry... although I'm not. You're just not in the right pla--"

"No worries, my love!" Edward inturrupted once again, standing quickly. "We shall mend this for you! I once read that putting yogurt up there can help. Perhaps some activia? It has something that will help keep you regular as well and Lord knows you need that."

Edward began riffeling around me suitcase looking for something.

"AHA!" he exclaimed pulling an open box of tampons from my suitcase. Tampons flew to various location across the room as he flung them up in triumph. "On of these things should do the trick. I believe they're called Toopoons, or something like that. I learned about it health once. never really payed attention in that class."

"They're Tampons Edward!" I lunged foward off the bed in an attempt to grab my feminine hygine products from his hands.

"Now let's see," Edward brought box down to inspect it more closely, causing me to land with a thump on the floor. "Hm gentle glid. Different sizes for the different courses of you flow." Edward read the back of the box. "No instructions on what to do in the case of a yeast infection though." He looked at me sprawled on the floor next to him as a result of my recent tumble from the bed. "Bella," he rolled his eyes," This is no time for playing games."

"I'm not playing, Edward," I huffed. I stood, leaning against his solid granite, gorgeous, perfect body in an attempt to balance myself. "I just want my tampons back."

"What?!" he exclaimed, astounded at my request. "Never again, Bella!" he said. "It says here that the use of these... tools, can cause DEATH."

"That's if you leave it in too lon--"

"NEVER!" he screached, throwing the tampons out the window. I watched in horror as they fell on the heads of a group of nuns. "WE'LL FIX YOUR YEAST THE OLD FASHIONED WAY, BELLA."

"What are you planning to do...?" I asked nervously, afraid of his next idea.

"The only sane thing to do. Scare it out of you," he said.

"What...?"

"Bella..." Edward proclaimed, staring at me seriously. "Tonight we make bread."


	10. Tonight we dine in hell. Tomorrow... I'm thinkin' Arbys.

Edward marched in circles in the small kitchenette of our hotel room, searching for ingreedients.

"Are you sure this is going to cure whatever you think is wrong with me, honey?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It's like the hiccups, Bella," Edward said distractedly. "You just have to show it who's boss. And in this house I'm the man. So therefore I am the boss and you will do everything I say."

"I don't think that's what we decided on when we married..."

"SHUT UP WOMAN AND GET IN THE KITCHEN!" Edward roared. "YOU WILL BAKE ME BREAD AND YOU WILL ENJOY DOING IT."

"I don't think so," I crossed my arms over my chest indignantly.

"Okay. Fine! How about this?" Edward's shoulders slumped as be began to bring up his new plan. "We bake together! You do all the grunt work and I'll be the manager! I'll tell you what to do, and critize you when you do it wrong, which will be always."

"EDWARD!" my mouth stood open aghast. If Edward's penis was near my mouth, and the vigra didn't wear off, he would have prime realestate for a blow job. "I know you were brought up in the early 1900's, but women have rights now! We are equals in this relationship! Now I'm leaving to go buy more Tampons since you threw my last couple on some nuns!" I huffed, getting my clothing back on to travel to the small convinence store in the lobby.

"WAIT! Honey!" Edward's lower lip began to quiver. "I...I..." he broken into a full on sob. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO YOU LIKE THAT! I... I LOVE BAKING BUT I HAD TO STICK TO THE STATUS QUO!"

"No... no... No...! NO!" I yelled, shocked. "Why have you never told me!"

"I... I couldn't..." Edward said. "I wanted to be cool so I had to follow that one simple rule, Bella! Can you ever forgive me for such scandal? Such lies?"

"Not another peep!" I ran to Edward, kissing him passionately, dreaming of all the delicious sweets my un-eating husband would eventually cook up for me. "I really do have to go get more tampons though."

He nodded in acceptance, turning once again to the kitchenette. "I don't even know where to begin..." he muttered to himself. "I don't think I can do this alone... I need the aid of a master. Of a god among men..."

"Yes. You pray, Edward. I'll return to you very soon," I said as I slipped out the door.

EDWARD'S POV.

I watched my dear sweet Bella slink out the door. Her perfect body shaping the bits of oxygen and other atmospheric elements that made up the world around her. I needed help. I had displeased my dear Bella so many times over the past two days. I did only what man in my situation could do. I picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello?" a familiar and heavenly voice answered after a few rings.

"John? It's me Edward. I need your help!"

"Well! I couldn't be more delighted! I'll be right on over. By the way,...do you have a computer in your room?"

"Yes!" I replied without histation.

"Internet connection?"

"YES!" I sung like an operatic star.

"I'll be over in two shakes of a lambs leg then!" with that John hung up the phone, and I sat in giddily awaiting his arrival.

Long seconds passed before the knock at my door from the blessing from the heavens. John stood like a beacon of light in the darkness that was not only the hallway, but my life.

"Eddy," he smiled, clasping me close to his breast. "I can see you've had some trying times. Why don't we sit and break bread together to discuss them?"

"That's the problem!" I heaved. "I cannot bake bread to break!"

"...Why did you need to in teh first place? Were you trying to scare out a yeast infection?"

"It's true," I sighed. "My beloved Bella is tainted in ways I cannot even describe to you properly. I wish I could show and not tell like a proper literary scholar, but it would be too much for even the bravest of souls to handle."

"I understand," John Guevremont said with a knowing nod. "Then let the monster rise. This bread needs to be made on the double. And while the dough rises, I have an idea for you, my lad. You need teaching and I... well, I don't want to brag, but if I weren't a highschool English teacher, I'd have my own school."

"I thought you were a bellhop..." I said.

"...BY THE WAY!" John threw his hands back. "Did I ever tell you about the time I figured out how to create the perfect murder?"

"You did not!" I replied, surprised and amazed at his amazing abilities.

"I'll do that later. First, we must bake," John said, whipping out a package of yeast from the band of his bellhop hat. "Let's cut this turd loose."

We baked. We laughed. John told me all his wonderful theories and stories. Such a well educated man like him is only something I could've hoped to be at some point in my very long and immortal life.

"Okay!" John wiped the water from his hands. "Now it's time for the Education of Hymin Kapel!"

"My name is Edward," I narrowed my eyes in confusion.

"Whatever. Fetch me your computer my dear boy."

I quickly trotted to my suitcase where my dormint computer lied.

"Now my boy," he patted me on the head as he called the internet to the desktop. "You will learned like all the greats, except me, it came to me naturally of course, have learned in the past." he typed in the search bar the url GIRLS DANCEING ON

The screen alit with lights, dancing, singing and the glow of musicals. I was briefly reminded of the scene from HAIR where everyone is running around naked as a newborn child, singing. I had never seen such erotic images and here was a whole website dedicated to the act of sex.

The men and women were doing things I had never in my wildest dreams dreamed of doing even in the wildest dreams where I was not dreaming of doing the things that I could not dream of in my wildest dreams.

And all while keeping perfect harmony and time!

John Guevremont was right. There was so much I had to learn and so little time to learn it in!

"Take it all in," he said, nodding meaningfully at the screen. "It only lasts for a few minutes before it asks for your credit card number. You can keep the magic going but it's a pretty big fee... Worth it though."

"I can see why you've brought me here," I replied. "You are so kind to me, John..." I stared deeply into his eyes, the pools of blue reflecting my loving gaze. I wished deeply to embrase this man, to hold him in my arms as I had held no other. He was like a brother to me. A brother who was not a vampire. I imagined he would be warm and soft like a baby's bottom.

"I must leave you now my son!" John stood up before I could even motion towards the loving embrace I wanted from him so badly. "There are others who need my help. My tenth graders need me to say 'that's what it is' for them. The little buggers, they can't get throughout the day with a dose of their favorite teacher." he gave me a comforting pat on my shoulder before he advised. "Remember. Once the dough has risen bake it at three fity for thirty minutes. Let it cool, and then serve. Also, I am always a simple phone call away if you need me. Never hesitate. I'm a giver."

Before I could even respond with my graditude, he was gone, almost like he had vanished. I turned back the computer and gazed intently at the gyrating and thursting that went in time to the beat. I was going to learn this sexual divinity. I was going to learn it all for love. All for the love of my darling yeast ridden Bella.


	11. Every thing you're lookin' for.

BELLA'S POV

I was walking back from the in-hotel connivence center, tampons in hand. I was a bit miffed about having to pay for over priced generic items, but in times of trial, one must do what one must. I suppose my thoughts should have been filled with Edward, but I was not particularly happy with him at the moment. Had he not attacked those poor nuns, I would not be down six dollars and eighteen cents. He had better be preparing something special for me in the room to apologize for such grave wrongs.

I got to the door of our beloved Honey Moon suite, heaved a large sigh, and slowly slide the door open.

Upon entering I didn't smell anything delightful cooking. I only saw Edward hunched over his laptop, it aglow with naked men and women in a...chorus line.

"WHAT ARE YOU-" I stopped short in my berating of Edward once I had sidled up to his side. He was hunched over this weird Broadway Porn with a notebook and pen in hand. He was taking notes.

"Hi hunny!" Edward turned jovially in notice of my return. "Now I've been taking some notes. Most of this stuff looks like it could only be done by trained professionals, but there are some moves I think we could try right now. And who knows? Maybe one day we can complete the entire chorus of Sweenie Todd. Now I just need to find out where I can get the Official Broadway Soundtrack of Cats..."

"Edward..." I started, giving myself a moment to think. "What... is this?"

"This, Bella my sweet, is the key to multiple orgasms in a night. The key to making you feel like an absolute woman. The key to sex!" he replied, nearly jumping in joy.

"No. No, Edward... this is porn. Bad porn. Musical based bad porn."

"Well if you knew why did you ask?" he replied huffily. "It's a good thing you did though. Because you were wrong, Bella. John showed this to me. And has that man ever been wrong in his life? No. No he hasn't," he answered before I could object.

I sighed, looking once again at the screen. "How long have you been watching this?" I asked. "Usually these websites cost money after a little while..."

"Oh, not too long. Our bill is only several hundred dollars but it's totally worth it! I've already learned so much for you, my love!"

"Several... hundred... dollars?!" I replied.

"But it's worth it Bella!" Edward motioned to the screen, but noticing that I still looked unconvinced took another angle. "You might think it's not worth it, but you'll definitely be singing a different tune..HA! GET IT! DIFferent tune?" he nudged me in the ribs making sure I under stood he understood his lame joke. "...because we're talking about...ANYWAY! You'll definitely think differently later tonight! Here, let me give you a little preview!"

Before I could even object, Edward stripped down to his skivvies(not that I was complaining about that), and began showing me what he learned. He launched into an elaborate naked dance that involved several jazz squares, the can can, and ended with him thrusting in time to some show tune that he had memorized.

I had to admit, I was impressed. Watching Edward's little (well... not so little) chorus line swinging in time was quite a sight. I only hoped that soon it'd be entering into my off Broadway theater.

"Don't get too excited, Bella," Edward warned. "We still have to take care of your very large problem. Don't think I forgot. I have the mind of an elephant." He tapped his head. "Elephant," he stated again for emphasis.

All of a sudden, before I could protest, a loud beeping sound erupted into the atmosphere.

"OH NO!" Edward screamed! "I had complete forgotten about the bread until just now! I was totally wrapped up in The Best of Budding Broadway Bods!"

"I thought you had a mind of an elephant!" I screamed over the beeping smoke detector as I ran to the oven a flame with some over cooked bread.

"Bella! Now is not the time to dwell on what might or might not have been said! Now is the time for action!" Edward took one of his mighty perfectly sculpted elbows and slammed it into the glass container that held a fire extinguisher.

"EDWARD!" I chided as I fanned some smoke away from the oven to re-inspect the oven. "YOU SET THE OVEN AT 700 DEGREES?"

"Yeah! Of course. If it takes thirty minutes to bake bread at 350 then it must only take fifteen minutes if you cook it at double that!" A large smile spread across his face as he revealed his apparent genius.

"No Edward," I whined. "It doesn't work that way."

"Oh...OH! Silly me! Next time guess! Now step back my little morsel!" He pushed me back from the oven a blazed. "It's time for me to save you!"

"No! No Edward, we have to escape from here and call the fire department! We have to get out! We have to--"

"COME ON DOWN!" a voice sang from the front lawn.

I glanced out the window and there, amidst the smoke, stood the one man that could help us in this situation.

Ernie Bach Junior.

"Edward!" I shouted, grabbing his arm. "Edward! We have to go now!" Pulling him along was like pulling along a granite countertop to a new kitchen. His distraction with everything in the hallways didn't help things, either.

"Bella! Look! This door looks like a newton!" he said excitedly, pausing to examine it as the smoke began filling the hallway. "How fantastic! Can we get Newton doors?"

"Not now, Edward!" I hissed.

"But what if the place burns down? Shouldn't we get the name of the manufacturer now? We might spend forever looking for them!"

"EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! COME ON DOWN!" the voice of Ernie sang from the outdoors.

"Oh! Well then. Never mind!" Edward said jovially. "If there's everything we're looking for, then they're certain to have the doors! This is fantastic!" With that, he skipped down the hallway to the stairs.

We filed out of the hotel with the rest of the Elvis lovers. Some people we sobbing as one of Elvis's lovely red rooms of Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love poured smoke out the windows.

"Hello my good sir!" Edward approached Ernie. "Did I hear speak of you having everything I'm looking for?"

"Why of course my lad!" Ernie flashed a smile only a man in the car sales business could muster. "Let me just finish up with this pesky business and we can talk!"

"Come here Edward," I carefully led him away from the firemen. "Let the poor man do his job."

"Did you hear what he said Bella?" Edward bounced with excitement. "Those Newton doors could become a reality. In our house! Today!"

I wished Edward would get as excited over me as did over anything that remotely resembled a Fig Newton, but I pushed the thought out of my head. He didn't marry a Fig Newton. He married me.

"I LOVE FIG NEWTONS SO MUCH!" Edward screamed shaking me jovially.

Maybe it was because of my brain crashing against my skull, or maybe it was a moment of divine revelation, but I had thought of a wonderful idea.

"You say this Erine Boch Jr. character has everything we're looking for ay?"

"Of course! He sung it! People never lie in songs Bella. NEVER!"


	12. Nee-glee-geee

It is not often that I get ideas which I would consider to be brilliant or magical. I am plain and boring and I don't know how a perfect vampire could ever love me so much because I'm dumb and self-loathing.

It was in this moment when I realized what Edward sees in me.

I rushed up to Ernie Bach Junior, pulling out my wallet. "Good sir," I said using my best seductive voice. "I have a favour to ask of you..."

"COME ON DOWN!" Ernie replied, grinning brightly. "We've got EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!"

"Yes. I know," I said, nodding knowingly. "This is why I need your help. You see..." I paused, moving closer to him as to better whisper in his ear. "I need to rekindle the spark in the bedroom." I wrapped my arms around his strong, car selling neck. "Think you can help?"

"Certainly!" He replied with zest. "We've got EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!"

"Well this is a really odd request."

"Don't worry!" he bent his knees and gave the air a side punch of enthusiasm. "WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!"

"Okay..." I looked around before leaning in even closer to Ernie. "Do you have...a neglege made of Fig Newtons?"

"Well..hmmm...COME ON DOWN!" Ernie motioned over to his fire truck. "I think we have one left in stock!"

I followed Ernie to the inners of his truck. Inside if was adorned with would be a prostitute's heaven. Stocked along the inner walls of the truck was every kind of sex toy imaginable.

"Yep! See, right here!" he held the glorious piece of lingere. "This looks to be about your size

It was a neglige made by the Roman, Greek, Egyptians, and all the other Gods in the universe. A bra made of Fig Newtons with a lace cut out of Fig Newton wrappers as a train. There was also a set of Fig Newton panties. It was completely magical. More magical than Moses when he was sent to free the Hebrews from Egypt.

"Now remember," Ernie Boch Jr. carefully began to wrap the delicate heaven sent underwear in a box. "it's edible so be wary of crumbling as you put it on."

"I understand," I nodded. "Ernie Bach Junior... how can I ever thank you?"

"No need, my dear," he smiled, patting my head as he charged my credit card for the newtonly undies. "We have EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! WE BUY FOR LESS SO WE CAN SELL FOR LESS!" he handed my receipt and my credit card.

I glanced down at the bill. One had to wonder how much they bought it for if they were selling for 'less.' It was a good thing that Edward's sister, Alice, could predict winning lottery numbers. I glanced back at Edward in his skivvies then returned to the bill. It would be worth every penny that I was paying.

"HEY Ernie!" Edward ran over to us before I could grab him and drag him back to replacement room to model my new clothing item. "Would you happen to have something that I desperately need?"

"Most definitely my boy! WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!"

"Perfect!" Edward jumped up and clicked his heels as he exclaimed this. "Then you must have those most desirable Fig Newton doors that some of these rooms are graced to have."

"Fig Newton doors?" Ernie Bach's Jr. changed from constant salesman delight to one of confusion.

"Yes! Fig Newton doors!"

"Sorry, my son! We don't carry those!"

"WHAT?" it took only nanoseconds for the tear to pour from Edward's beautiful winning trophy colored eyes. "But you sang you have everything I'm looking for?"

"Well I meant in the sexual toys department..."

"YOU LIED IN A SONG!!!" Edward fell to his knees sobbing for what felt like the umpteenth time.

I felt dreaded that I couldn't make my dear sweet pumpkin pie feel good on our vacation of bliss together. What I wouldn't give for that stone cold god of a man to be happy all the time. He was just to caring and gullible. Too faithful of the human race.

I ushered him away like one would usher away a bereaving widow from her dead husband's grave.

"YOU LIED IN A SONG!" Edward screamed as I soothingly lead him towards the hotel. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIE IN A SONG! YOU LIED! MAY GOD RAIN PILLARS OF FLEAS AND ICE UPON YOUR TRUCK OF INDECENCIES!! FLEAS!"

"Edward, honey..." I soothed. "It's alright. Bella will make it all better for you. Let momma give you some sugar to help the medicine go down."

"Why would Esme feed me sugar?" Edward asked in confusion, pausing in his weeping to glance at me. "Why would I need medicine in the first place? Have you ever heard of a sick vampire? Why do you think Carlisle has to treat all those humans, Bella. He wouldn't make any money to support this family if he just worked with vampires. God Bella. Why are you so dumb?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"Have you never noticed it?" he said. "I mean... really. Dumb. You don't even grasp the glory and godlyness that is Fig Newtons. I bet you think John Guevremont is just a mere English teacher and not a god among men."

"...Edward..." I was hurt. He was right, of course. I was but a mere human and he was a brilliant vampire with the mind of an elephant.

"It's okay, of course," he said comfortingly. "I love you anyway. I mean... I did marry you, didn't I?"

He was right. Of all the humans in the world, Edward had chosen me to be his bride. No one else was so desirable to him. No one else smelled so delicious. I was his bacon double cheeseburger in a world filled with plain meat on a bun. I beamed with glee, kissing him deeply.

"Oh Edward," I gushed. "It's true. You did pick me. I love you so much, my pudding pop. Let me show you...?"

"You've never been much of an interpretive dancer, Bella," he replied. "And your art leaves much to be desired... Perhaps you have a photograph you wish to present me with?"

"No silly!" I laughed before I stuck my finger in the little hole that allowed his little Edward to dispell it's various liquids. "Let me show you in a way that I know you'll love."

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Well shut my mouth and slap your grandma! What are we waiting here for? Let's get back to our smoke damaged hotel room, and you can express you love for me!"

I stopped in my tracks pulling Edward back from his forceful lust filled stride.

"Why would I slap my grandma? She's dead Edward."

"Oh... It's just a saying little lumpcakes! Now let's go!" with that said, Edward tossed me over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes and bounded up to our room.

The room had little damage, with the exception of the burnt kitchen. Thankfully Ernie came in enough time to save our little sex haven. Of course, it smelled of burnt bread, but it was okay because in minutes the room would smell like the sweet smell of sex and fig newtons.

"You just wait here, honey," I cooed, pressing Edward against the bed. "I have a little something special for you that I just need to slip into."


	13. A Newton Among The Hills

Putting on the negligee was an experience. I had not expected the newtons to be so ripe and tender. They clung to my body like a second skin. A skin which would make my beloved Edward go crazy with lustful need.

I could only pray that my needs would be fulfilled as well. My womanly needs. Which had yet to be fulfilled.

I was about to exit the bathroom when I heard a strange noise coming from the other side of the door. Edward was singing something to himself. I pressed my ear to the door, hoping to hear more clearly.

"My mind is clearer now! At last, all too well! I can see where we all soon will be!"

Edward's angel soft voice was singing the score of Jesus Christ Superstar. I poked my head through I small crack I created in the door to see what else was going on in Edward's religious musical.

Next to the velvet bed was Edward, arms flailing and legs a-kicking as he continued to sing,

"JESUS! YOU'VE STARTED TO BELIEVE THESE THINGS THEY SAY OF YOU! YOU REALLY DO BELIEVE THIS TALK OF GOD IS TRUUEEEE!" with that, Edward turned into a glorious pirouette.

However, something was amiss on my prefect little buddies flawless backside. He has a bald spot. Something quite curious since he stopped aging over one hundred years ago.

"Edward?" I asked cautiously, not exiting the bathroom. "What.. what happened to your skull?"

"Oh this?" he asked, pointing jovially to the shiny hole in his silken hair. "Do you like it? I got it fo' you."

"Oh... 'dey nice," I replied, catching his reference to the reunion special of I Love New York season one when Tango first saw New York's new implants of the breast variety.

"Except... Edward. No... That's not nice," I said after a moment. "Whatever did you do?"

"I shaved my head, of course!" Edward said patronizingly. "God, Bella. Dumb!" He paused, rubbing the newly exposed skin. "I had to get into character. Into the role, Bella. Jérôme Pradon was the perfect Judas and I... I had to set the mood for myself, Bella. I wouldn't be able to perform to my best ability if I weren't in the right mood. You must know this."

"I don't think you're able to perform, period," I muttered to myself, forgetting Edward had inhuman hearing.

"...Bella... Your words.. hurt. You hurt me, Bella." He stated as though I forgot who he was talking to within the pause of the sentences.

"Well it's kinda true dear. Between your inability to last for more than two thrusts, and then the thinking my thighs are my vagina really? I mean who has that much room in a vagina! That's, that's just Stewpid. That's stewpid!" I knew my words were hurtful, but I couldn't help it. I was sexually frustrated. Bad things happen when sexual frustration is involved. Just think of how things would've turned out if Judas was just getting some.

"YOU!" Edward began to let the water works flow. "YOU ARE SO MEAN! MEAN! MEAN LIKE A RACIST ON A HOT JULY DAY AT THE WHITE MEN CONVENTION!" he began to sob uncontrollably.

"I can't let you see me like this!" he sheilded his tear ridden eye from view, as if I hadn't already seen him cry a million times in the past couple days. "I NEED TO BE IN THE BATHROOM!" He sobbed with a scream before he yanked open the door. "YOU NEED to...OH! OH!" his sobs were replaced with wiggling suggestive eyebrows.

I stood back so that he could enter the bathroom and fully take in the view. "Do you like it?" I asked, glad for the distraction from tears (which, frankly, I was growing quite tired of.) "If you want... you can make me take back that little statement from a moment ago, Edward. You can make it all better."

"Well girdle my loins and call me Nancy!" Edward howled with excitement, picking me up and carrying me hurriedly to the bed.

My heart fluttered from anticipation. Finally after all the wait, I would get laid. Really and truly laid. Orgasm city was on my map and I was headed there with an EZPass for the highway.

"You look so good, Bella..." Edward moaned, licking his perfect Adonis lips. "I could just eat you up. I mean... more than usual. I could always eat you, I guess. WHICH IS WHY AM SO DANGEROUS, STAY AWAY. But you can't now because I wouldn't let you go. Not in this state..."

"I wasn't planning on going any--"

"AS IF YOU COULD OUT RUN ME!" he yelled over-dramatically. "AS IF YOU COULD FIGHT ME OFF!"

"I didn't plan on doing any of that, Edward." I said. "What was even the point of yelling that?"

"Well I never want you to forget how strong I am! I know beneath this tough exterior I might seem like a gentle man who cries all the time, but I'm not Bella. I never cry! NEVER! I just leak testasterone from time to time. And if anybody asks," he narrowed his eyes with menice. "That's what you tell them."

"I promise!" I said as convincingly as I could. I was just ready for sex games Elivs round three to start up. This time it was personal! I would be a loose cannon cop on the edge, kicking ass and not taking names. What loose cannon cop has time to take down names?

"Do you solemnly swear?"

"Yes, Edward."

"To tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?" Edward recited the oath of honesty with a smug grin. He watched his Judge Judy, and took pride in it.

"Of course my sweet honey dumplings dipped in sour sauce."

"Well in that case!" Edward rubbed his hands together. "It's been about a good twenty four hours since I've had my fix."

"Edward we had sex a few hours ago..."

"Not that. Pish posh!" Edward flipped his wrist dramatically. "My Newton fix!"


	14. But I Did Not Put My Fist Back!

Edward lifted me up in his strong, granite arms and carried me to the bed, placing me down on the velvet comforter. I gazed into his perfect, topaz eyes, smiling inwardly to myself as I took in the lust which bubbled under the liquid gold.

"Edward," I moaned softly as he began tracing the Newtons with his fingers. "I have waited for this moment for so long..."

"I have dreamed of this, Bella. Dreamed on many nights when I wasn't sleeping. When I was watching you like a stalker, this is the moment I was thinking of," he replied, setting my heart a-glow.

"Oh Edward..."

He leaned down and began to nibble at my shoulder. Well, technically at the Newton strap along my shoulder, but I was desperate for action so at this point, I'd take what I was given.

"Mmm... Bella... you taste so... good... You're my tasty little morsel of love..." he purred with a voice of pure velvet.

He sent shivers down my spine as each devoured Fig Newton left a bare spot on my upper body. It was only a matter of time before the important bits would be feeling the breeze of complete nakedness. Then. only to be replaced by the warmth of my dear Edward's meat man thrusting.

"Mmmmmm. Fruit is delicious. Cake is delicious. The two combined are amazing. All these earthy and delightful ingredents are mixed in with the skin flecks of my Bella to create a symphony of great and different flavors!" Edward muttered like a salsa commercial as he ate his way down my Fig Newton bra.

He finally got to my little piglets, pausing for a moment. "I shall save these for last," he smirked. "I don't want to uncover too much, you know."

I pouted slightly, wishing he would eat the last two remaining Newtons of my bra. I was beginning to get a bit impatient with the lack of sexings in married life, but once he began working at the waistband of my panties, I lost all sense of annoyance.

"These are even more delicious," he murmured to himself. "They've had more time to ripen... to take in the aroma of my beloved Bella. Any longer however, and the Newtonly deliciousness would have been overtaken. That would be a crime. Perhaps punishable by law... Who would ever want to destroy the glory that are Newtons?" he paused, thinking to himself. "Oh, right. Bella."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"NO QUESTIONS!" he snapped dramatically.

"...I haven't tried to destroy Newtons for you, Edward. I know you love them almost as much as you love me," I soothed, petting his hair in an attempt to get him to continue and provide me with some much needed thrusting.

"Of course!" he agreed quickly. "I know you would do anything to make me happy. Now I must get back to these Newtons before they ripen too much. That would be a shame!"

Edward continued his quest, eating the Newtons the covered my sexual organs. He ate in a circle leaving a small strip of Newton's covering my baby maker. He ate at a healthy pace, each Newton being devoured in a matter of seconds due to Edward's super human powers...and his extreme love for Newtons.

There were only five Newtons left. Two at the top, three at the bottom. However, there was a break longer than five seconds as the Figs still covered all the most important area. Ilooked up to see if my sweet nibblin' man was okay to find him rubbing his stomach with pride and fulfillment.

"I think I just broke a record!" Edward exclaimed before letting out a beelch that resembled the same sound frequency of a Mach five Jet taking off. "I've never eaten forty-five Newtons before. AND THEY JUST KEEP GETTING MORE DELICIOUS WITH EACH ONE!" he screamed.

"You know, Edward..." I said, trying to remain calm. "If you follow that logic, these last five will be the best of all. Perhaps even..." I paused, wondering if I dared to say the word which I so longed to experience. "Orgasmic."

"Oh, Bella. You're so simple," Edward said, brushing me off. "Everyone knows you can't force these things. Newtons are meant to be savored, enjoyed. Not gobbled down in a fit of passion. I am a connoisseur, Bella. Not a glutton."

I stared at him in disbelief. "So you're not going to finish...? You're not going to have sex with me?"

"Was I supposed to?" he asked, oblivious to my womanly needs.

"YES!" I near yelled, throwing my arms up in annoyance. "That's what this whole thing was for, Edward! I didn't buy a bra made of cookies just so you could have a snack!"

"They're not cookies, Bella," Edward replied threateningly, narrowing his eyes. "They're fruit and cake."

"I DON'T CARE!" I screamed hurling the last few dumb Fig Newtons that covered me at Edward.

Of course, Edward's lighting fast reflexes caught every single Newton without as much as a bit of crumble on them.

"BELLA!" Edward's face frozen in shock. "It's one thing to be mad at me, but to take you anger out on these precious little angles!" he cradeled the Newtons against his cheeck.

"OH DEAR GOD, JESUS, JUDAS, AND KING HENRY VIII!" I bolted up and tore to the bathroom. "Why don't you just marry a Newton, Edward?" I screamed while throwing on my discarded clothing.

"Well now that's the silliest idea I've ever heard!" Edward paused for a second. "...although..."

"I hate you, Edward Cullen!" I yelled halfheartedly at the door as I fell to my knees to weep. "...Lots!" I added for emphasis.

"No you don't. You love me, Bella. I'm perfect in every way possiable. Everything about me draws you in MY FACE, MY VOICE, EVEN MY SMELL!" Edward said to the door, yet again using an over dramatic tone of voice which, truth be told, did draw me in.

"Go away," I said. "Go get my phone and bring it to me then go away again."

I heard his footsteps leaving and returning with my phone which he passed to me under the door. "What are you going to do, Bella?" he asked.

"The only thing I can think of to do," I said. "I'm calling a 900 number."


	15. the breath that from my mistress reeks

I began to dial a number which I had memorized long ago on a lonely and dark night. My fingers danced across the illuminated number pad of my telephone like a ballerina along the stage at Christmas. My heart leapt as I heard the familiar ringing on the other line and, when a soft and sultry voice answered, I knew all was right in this world.

"Haaaaaallooooo," a woman replied. I imagined her to be blonde, buxom and missing several teeth. "Ya've cahlled heah befoa, haven't ya? Frequient costmaaah?"

"Yes," I replied. It was nice to return to the service. Sometimes you really do want to go where everybody knows your name. Or, in this case, credit card number. "I need... I need a man. Tonight."

The woman on the other end chewed her bubblegum loudly as she flipped through what I could only assume were stacks of papers. "Ally is free dis evenin, daahl. Yous wants me to send him ovah?"

"Yes. Yes please," I said excitedly. Ally was a new member of their team. A team I knew only too well. "I'm currently in Tennessee... will that be a problem?"

"Cahllah eye-dee," she said. "We know wheres yous aah. Big Brotha is watchin' you."

"...Indeed," I replied, not sure how that would work seeing as I was calling from a cell phone. "Indeed..."

"Be exspectin' Ally in 'bout tweny minues!"

"Okay!" I could barely hide my elation as I hung up. Even if this "Ally" character was unfamiliar, my clitoris needed more stroking than a pack of Huskies that have been left in Antarctica once all the scientists left.

"BELLA! NO!" Edward screamed as soon as his super sonic hearing got the vibrations of my cell phone closing shut. "DON'T DO THIS!"

"I must!" I cried back. "My clitoris needs more stroking than a domesticated T-Rex!"

"Wow," Edward paused in his plea, "That's a lot of stroking. Not even John Guevermont could provide such services."

"Clearly not, if you were his pupil and all!" I shot back, knowing my words would hurt.

"Bella! You know I can't think about anything but Newtons when I am in their presence!" Edward rationed.

"You have a problem!"

"JUST THINK OF THE STDS!" Edward made one last plea, but it was too late. A man whore would be in the room in mere minutes. If I couldn't get my own husband to pay attention to me, then I would pay some stranger to!

"You can't turn back time now!"

"Well what if I spin in circles really fast? Do you think that could work?"

"Edward, if you knew anything about physics, you would know that would only slow the rotation of the earth down and cause more time in the now than in the later."

"But sex is only in the now!" he cried.

"No. Sex is in the... seventeen minutes when Ally gets here to pamper me. To provide me with what I need. To pamper me like a woman should be pampered. To do to me what no man has done before."

"...I thought you were a regular of this establishment," Edward said.

"Well yeah, but usually all business is taken care of over the phone," I explained. "I was unmaried in a story written by a religious fanatic. Of course I'm going to be a virgin until I wed."

"That makes... you know? I don't know if it makes sense or not," Edward said, shrugging it off. "No matter. No matter, I say! Bella! You can't do this! Give me one more chance! A Real Chance at Love! I CAN PLEASE YOU, BELLA!"

"Edward, do you even know where my clitoris, which so desperately needs to be stroked, is?" I asked.

"Somewhere in your ear, I'm sure," Edward replied. "Although perhaps your nose...? I'm not sure why you want such stroking... That's a bit awkward. I mean... I love you but I draw the line at picking your nose."

"YOU TWIT!" i felt horrible at talking to my Edward this way, but he needed an intervention. If his niavity were a drug he would be on that TNT intervention show. "It is in my vagina! Some people call it the little man in the boat! The woman's equivalent of the penis! How do you know that Cosmopolitian says communication is the key, but yet you don't know with my Clitoris is?"

"EW!" Edward squeled. "What do you think? That I spend my spare nights looking at diagrams of viginas? Carlisle is the doctor in the family! Not me!"

"Carlisle spends all his spare nights looking at diagrams of vaginas?" I asked, slightly disgusted.

"Well, I suppose he looks at the real thing," Edward mused. "What with his being married to Esme and all. And seeing as all vampires are sexbeasts..."

"All?" I asked, raising an accusatory eyebrow.

"Yes, all, Bella," Edward replied through the door as though he had seen my accusatory eyebrow in action. "I am a ravenous beast in the bedroom. You should be happy I've been holding out from my true mantastic urges."

"Mantastic... urges..." I repeated, unconvinced.

"Yes."

"And you have these?"

"Yes."

"Since when?"

"Yes."

"You're not paying attention, are you?"

"Yes."

"Edward..." I groaned. "I'm tired of these childish games with you. I want to play adult games, but you just won't let me. That's why I have to resort to these drastic measures. That's why I had to call Ally. That's why I have to--" I paused, hearing a knock on the door. "--let him in."

I rushed from the bathroom, throwing the door to the hotel room wide open. There, framed perfectly by the fig newtonly door frame stood my savior in times of sexual trials.

"My mistress?" he asked in a sultry scratching voice as if years of repeating Sonnet 130 had left him horse.

"HAH!" Edward roared before I could even reply with a ever enthusiastic yes. "This is your male prostitute?"

"I think my love is rare," the male in all his bewitching glory replied calmly, and somewhat monotonously.

"PFT! It looks like you've been around the block more times that a Pizza Delivery Boy with no sense of direction. Bella I would sue. This man must be at least in his seventies!"

"Seventy years of sexy!" I retorted, not really making much sense, but I was in utter shock of the "Ally" character. Even my religious fanatic writer wouldn't have kept me from not sinning had he been around when I frequented Male's for Maleless Madames.

"I love to hear her speak," Ally stated with bedroom eyes for only me. Even if was trained to do so, I took all of the standing around I could.

Maybe it was the lack of sex. Maybe it was the way his sultry voice rose in iambic pentameter. Or perhaps it was the way his black Slytherin robe accentuated every single manly curve of his body. I wanted him more than Edward wanted a woman made out of Fig Newtons. More than John Guevermont wanted himself.

I led him to the heart shaped bead, and discretely nudged my head towards the door, hoping Edward would take the cue. Unfortunately it was too discrete for even my acute Edward, as he sat in the chair in front of the desk his face lit in a glower.

"WELL, GET ON WITH IT THEN!" he spat venomously at us. "JUST BREAK MY HEART, BELLA. I MAY BE MADE OF STONE BUT IT IS NOT!"

"Music hath a far more pleasing sound," Ally remarked of Edward.

"I know," I agreed. "But... I suppose he cannot be blamed... perhaps it is my fault."

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, BELLA," Edward replied.

Ally nodded in agreement with Edward. "If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun," he said.

"I know, right?" Edward replied, having no real idea what it meant.

I, however, was amazed. In all my times with Edward, not once had he spoken to me of my bosom. I blushed in pride to know that they had caught the eye of such a seasoned gentleman. I swiftly pulled off my shirt to show off my dun boobs to him. He eyed them approvingly, nodding at me to continue.

I began sexily yet quickly removing my clothing until there was nothing left. Ally motioned for me to turn so he could get a full view of all my goods before he left the supermarket.

"But no such roses see I in her cheeks;" he remarked of my backside.

"Ain't that the truth," Edward chortled, slapping Ally heartily on the knee. "Oh Allan Rickman, you sure do know how to make a friend."

"Allan... Rickman?" I spun quickly, facing my gentleman caller. It was true. There sat the famed actor in full Snape attire. My heart soared. I had received, at no extra cost.. "The Harry Potter Special."

Allan Rickman nodded once more. "I have seen roses damask'd, red and white," he said modestly.

"You are too kind!" I giggled, not quite sure what it meant, but it had roses in it so it had to be good.

"I grant I never saw a goddess go," he continued showering me with compliments.

There were certainly roses on the cheeks on my face. Edward only graced me with mundane loving compliments, but Alan was going out of his way. He was concocting a love potion and I was drinking it up hungry for more. I lunged at him. Tiring of this talk and no action.

His lips kissed like he had danced a few good dances with the dark side. His touch was that of a man who had locked his love away until she was legal for marriage. His body was taught and sharp, like one who must pretend to be on the dark side, but is really all in the right.

"You call that having sex!" Edward scoffed as Alan pulled me into reverse cowgirl. "Why that looks nothing like the stuff John showed me.

Alan paused for a second to reply with, "As any she belied with false compare," before he continued in my physical pleasuring.

"I bet he can't even do a jazz square," Edward muttered in the corner as Alan began to hurtle me in to the troughs of pleasre.

I wished there was some spell to silence him. He was bringing down the mood. Only minimally, however. Alan's body limber with practice, knew all the ways to make me forget that my husband was the glowering audience in the corner of the room.

A small moan escaped my lips as Alan, like a glass water after a walk through the desert, hit the spot.

"YOU!" I heard Edward scream seconds before Alan Rickman was tossed across the room. "HOW DARE YOU HURT MY DEAR SWEET FRAGILE BELLA!"

I smacked myself on the forehead. Woe always me. My sweet simpleton of a husband has mistaken my moan of utter Alan Rickmany pleasure for pain.


	16. Harry, Grab Your Wand!

"YOU FIEND!" Edward screached as he pounded Alan Rickman's gorgeous, greasy hair into the floor. I had to wonder why Edward chose to punch only his hair, but perhaps it was something that I, a simple minded and plain human girl, could never understand.

"Treads on the ground!" Alan replied as he watched the grease from his scalp sink into the carpeting. "Treads on the ground!"

Edward stopped his punching, pushing Alan Rickman's limp body to the side. "You are no man," he said firmly. "No. Man."

"And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare," Alan said weakly.

"Be that as it may," Edward said. "I cannot believe you. What man would ever think that such actions were right? I don't care how belied you are, you are still no. man."

"Edward..." I said soothingly. "We get it. He is no man."

"Well it has to sink in, Bella," Edward replied testily. "These things take time, especially when they're old."

"But Edward," I started, hoping if I explained things he would stop beating the poor old famed actor. As brilliant and as old world attractive as he was, he was no match for the brute force of an enraged vampire. "He wasn't trying to hurt me."

"No need to make excuses Bella!" Edward, like I predicted heeded no word to my plea. "I've seen this many a time in my years as a phychotrist. You're just trying to protect him because you think you can change him. Well, Bella, an abusive man will never change. He is not worth changing!"

"You were a pshychotrist?" I inquired, momentarialy forgetting that Alan Rickman was now beginning to spew liquids due to Edward's fists of fury.

"Well no, but I watch a Lifetime movie on an abusive relationship. The acting was so real I felt as if it could be our next door neighboors. Poor Diane," he stopped punching Alan for a second as tears welled in his eyes. "She really just thought love could change him. Well!" he began to beat Alan Rickman once again. "I'm not letting that happen to you Bella! I will not have another Diane in my life!"

"Music hath a far more pleasing sound!" Alan screamed as the sound of his hair squishing on the carpet became less and less. Edward was literally beating the oil out of his hair. I had to pause for a second to really think about why this was a bad thing.

"Can you just let me explain?" I tried to plead once again. Although Alan Rickamn's hair could use a good de-oiling, punching the oil out of him wasn't the answer.

"No Bella!" Edward screamed back. "Your eyes are fogged over with love! Fogged over with...with..." Edward searched for the words.

"Roses damask'd?" Alan suggested.

"Well, yeah. YEAH! LIKE ROSES DAMASK'D!" Edward stopped his punching to put his hands on his hips authoritatively. "Your eyes are fogged over with roses damask'd! Gee Rickman you sure do have a knack for the turn of the phrase!"

Alan shrugged modestly. "My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun," he said.

Edward nodded knowingly. "That explains it all... You know... you remind me of someone. Not as brilliant and godly, of course, but it is a similarity which cannot be denied..."

I gasped in horror. Edward was getting ideas. Ideas which I did not fancy him acting upon. It was like communism... good as an idea but it could never work in real life. Just like the plan which was forming in my beloved cupcake muffin cup's mind.

"You need to meet John," Edward said, slapping his fist in his hand. "John would fix you. He fixed me... He could teach you how to be a man. How to love a woman properly. How to take control in the bedroom, like a real man should."

"...Edward, he did none of those thin--"

"SILENCE WOMAN!" Edward yelled at me. "This is a conversation between the boys! No girls allowed!" he stuck is perfectly shaped tongue out at me, making vague farting sounds and covering me with spittle.

"If snow be white!" Alan said excitedly, slapping his knee. Clearly, he had heard tell of the famed John Guevrenmont. His face lit up with the joy of a young child, experiencing the wonders of Disney World for the first time, only to learn that they had the whole park to themselves with a private tour from Mickey himself.

"No.. no.. no...!" I yelled muscially as Edward began to reach for the phone.

"Now is not the time to stick to the status quo, Bella," Edward said as he pressed the number two and speed dialed the high school English teacher. "John? It's me, Edward. Yes. Yes, I miss you too. Oh, well... things are going as can be expected, I suppose... yes. Yeah, I know how that is. Mmmhmm... oh, Bella? Dumb as usual, but what can you expect? I tried so hard with her and all she wants is more than anyone can give. T-rex stroking, John. Yeah, it's that bad. Anyway... yeah, there's someone I'd love for you to meet. I think he'd be a good member of the family, if you know what I mean. ...You will? Great! Yeah! I'll see you soon. I love you too. Yeah. Bye."

I blinked, trying to grasp what just happened. The one sided conversation was very hard to decode but, from what I gathered, our threesome would turn in to a foursome but I just don't know how it happened.

"Now he may seem like a high school teacher that just thinks he really great," Edward had turned his attention back to Alan Rickman, his hair back to it's full oil producing ability. "But he's really much more than that! You just have to let his magic sink in. Why I wouldn't be the man I am today with out him!"

I let out an audible scoff at this, causing Edward to turn towards me his brow furrowed in anger.

"And what do you have to say about this young tonka truck?" he probed.

"The only think John Guevermont ever taught you to do was to set a room on fire!" I spat out, not even realizing the horrible mistake I had just made.

Edward stared, shocked, then he twisted his face up as if he were about to sneeze. It all ended, however, with Edward bursting in hot steamy tears.

"OF ALL THE HURTFUL THINGS YOU COULD'VE SAID!" he sobbed, balling up into the fetal position on the floor.

"In some perfumes is there more delight," Alan rubbed a soothing hand across Edward's stone sculpted back.

"I NEED NO PERFUME!" Edward wailed, his tears only coming down hared. "But thanks for the offer." His tears ceased for a second while he expressed his gratitude for Alan's kindly suggestion.

"Edward?" a voice called from the foyer of our room.

"JOHN?" Edward looked up sniffling. "JOHN!" he screamed with delight, realizing that it really was his God in L.L. Bean comfort hiking loafers. "YOU CAME!"

"How could I ever resist my best and brillant boy?" He met Edward's running greeting hug half way. "Here." John reached into his pocket. "I even got you a present!"

"OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY!" Edward jumped and clapped as John lifted the package towards him.

"It's a photo album of me!" he exclaimed before Edward could even finish unwrapping it.

"WOW!" Tears of happiness ran from Edward's eyes. "Now I can have you with me all the time! This present is even better than the one Charlie gave me!" he gave a narrowed glance in my direction.

"Hey no problem. Anything for my star pupil. I think I might even write a play about you. Only, you'll be in a coma, and it will have different memories of yours playing through your coma ridden head. But, I'll put that play down only to write one about a grocery store that's haunted by a teenager ghost. My prize winning song about the trials of teenage hood will be in ther. Why, I'll even play the piano for the song. I'll name it 'Shelf Life', after the play that I never finished writing about you...if you had gone into a coma that is."

"Thank you," Edward said graciously as he took John's hands in his own and held them to his un-beating heart. "You are... you are too kind to me. An angel in this world of devils."

"I love to hear her speak..." Alan said reverently.

"Now now, Alan. I think you should take another class in anatomy. This is no woman. This is a man... no. The man. John?" Edward turned to face the French-Canadian. "I would like you to meet our new friend... Alan Rickman."

"By heaven, I think... my love!" Alan rushed to his feet only to kneel down before John, kissing his hand softly.

"Is that... Could it be..." John said.

"Yeah, it's Alan Rickman in his Snape robes," I replied only to be met with a judgmental stare.

"What I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted," he continued. "Was is that... Sonnet 130?"

Alan Rickman nodded enthusiastically. "Is there more delight?" he asked.

"Only in my hit pop song!" John said as he pulled a piano out of thin air. "You see... I wrote this song... I call it 'Pop song 130'! It's based off of sonnet 130, as if you didn't already know," he nudged Alan with his elbow jovially. "I would like to perform it for you two... I think it would help you both in your times of need."

Edward and Alan looked like two dogs being handed jucy, raw steaks, cut fresh from the cow. I felt like weeping. At this rate, I would never ever get laid.


	17. He walks up to the closet, he goes up to the closet, now he's at the closet, damn he's opening the closet…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello our loyal readers! You've been mighty silent lately and we want to know what you think! So please write us comments or reviews! If you have suggestions for Edward and Bella, we'd love to hear them! :D

"NO!" I screamed just as John Guevermont pulled out the lyrics to the song he carried in his jacket pocket. "I will have none of this bubbly iambic pentameter in my room!"

I had to stop the madness. Pop song 130 now. A spoof on Grease in which it actually takes place in ancient Greece would be later if I didn't act now.

"Women!" Edward scoffed, clearly upset with my forbading of the song. "They just don't know true musical genius when they see it!'

"Music hath more a pleasing sound," Alan Rickman nodded in agreement.

"Definitely! It's all nag, nag, nag with the ladies," Edward brought his hand up to his air and made it as if it could talk to me.

"Gentlemen!" John Guevermont cut into Alan and Edward's complaints. "Woman are great. Why without woman who would I pleasure into submission with just the wink of an eye?" John shot a sultry wink in my direction.

I rolled my eyes. If only he knew how pathetic and washed up he looked in his tweed chalked stained coat only complimented by the rubber ducky tie that he wore over his mismatched blue oxford.

"TEACH US YOUR WAYS!" Edward screamed as both he and Alan sat down on the ground with their heads cradle in their hands, brimming over with excitement.

"We only have so much time," John smiled, patting their heads. "It takes a lifetime of hard work and dreams to get to this point. I've sacrificed much to be the man I am today."

"Like your marriage?" I asked bitingly.

"Silence, woman," John said. "I am happily married. If I happen to be in love with several of my students who's handwriting I could never forget, so be it. I've saved lives you know."

"I didn't, but I didn't necessarily want to know either," I said.

"Bella!" Edward yelled sternly. "How dare you speak to John that way? You need to learn your place. You are but a mere human-"

I knew this, of course. Edward's perfect vampire body reminded me of that fact every moment of the day. I didn't know much about vampires, but I hoped that they had more beauty than John Guevrenmont. If he turned out to be one of them... I didn't know what I would do.

"--but John is a god. A god who has blessed us by being here, Bella." Edward finished with a flourish.

"Silence you two!" John ordered before I could quip with a witty retort to Edward. "Fighting is for couples that don't know the art that is sex. Once, that is learned there is no longer fighting, but only aggressive love making!" John pointed a finger in the air knowingly. "Now, Bella." He turned towards me, his gap in between his front teeth making his front teeth look whiter in comparison to the darkness of his mouth. "I shall use you as example if Edward doesn't mind."

"NOT AT ALL JOHN!" Edward replied before I even had time to object. "Anything that is mine is yours. Why my wife is your wife. In fact, there are five Newtons left over from her Fig Newton Lingere. You are more than welcome to them." he leaned in closer towards John before continuing. "They covered all the most important parts if you catch my drift!" he wiggled his eyebrows at the last part.

"EDWARD!" I screamed in shock.

He was never one to share his Fig Newtons. I had once asked for one, and I nearly lost my right hand. He hardly ever gave a away Newtons, and here he was giving them freely to a man he had met only yesterday. I was appalled at the act, and even more so that he was giving away Newtons laced with such meaning. There were Newtons filled with intamacy along with their fruit interiors. They were Newtons that were almost shared between him and me in our private Elvis decorated room.

"Maybe later," John brushed his offer away with the flick of his crust encrusted hand. "This will build up an appetite. Now, gentelmen I hope you brought some paper and a pen. You will want to take notes." John turned his gray-blue eyes on me with a hunger only a pedophiliac English teacher could have.

\--

Once again, I was whelmed.

It seemed to me that I was just destined to avoid having an orgasm. John danced, jazz-squared, and sang his way into my vagina but there was no rubbing or thrusting or stroking to be had. From what I gathered, he just sat there, grinning with pride as Edward and Allan 'ooh-ed' and 'aah-ed'. I think I even fell asleep at one point while he was lecturing them on the importance of harmony.

"How do you feel, Bella?" he asked after he pulled out of my under stimulated vaginal cavity.

"...You don't want me to answer that," I replied, trying to hold back from insulting the Canadian man and thus facing Edward's anger once again.

"No need to be modest," John grinned. "I know that you came time and again. Your youth and sensitivity is endearing."

I bit my tongue as the three men had a good laugh at my expense. If they only knew how little I was pleased... well, the laughter would be like the laughter at a funeral not attended by the lead singer of the Barenaked Ladies. Laughter-less. I was starting to wonder if I really needed to take a trip to the adult store down the road. A vibrator seemed like a really good idea.

"And that, boys," John said above my ponderings, "is how you please a lady. Now, are there any questions?"

"Is the cha cha slide necessary?" Edward asked. "I always have trouble with that one..."

"You'll just need to practice then, won't you?" John laughed heartily. "The ladies love the slide, let me tell ya. I'm sure that your lovely wife wouldn't mind helping you learn it though."

"Well with that!" John punched the air with enthusiasm. "I must be off! There are other young lovers that need my help! Remember Edward that I am only a phone call away!"

"Thank you John!" Edward showered the man's feet with kisses. "I don't even thing my coveted Newtons will be able to pay you back for your deeds. Why...why...ALAN SHAWN FIENSTEIN WOULD BE SO PROUD!" Edward broke into a fit of happy sobs.

"Now, now my boy," John gave him a tender pat on the head. "I could only hope that one day my sons grow up to be just like you. One my of son's town soccer team just won a game. Unfortunately I am too intellectual to truly enjoy it. It is quite sad. One day, Edward, you will have a son and his team will win whatever sport he plays, and you won't be able to truly enjoy it. For you are an intellectual like me. However, that is for the future. As for now, you have a woman to please."

"Do you think I can do it?"

"I'm sure you can! By the way," John flung his arms behind his back. "Time steps are an instant orgasm inducer!"

"THANK YOU JOHN! THANK YOU!" Edward once more began to shower his hands with kisses.

"Anytime. Now, Alan let us leave these two to their devices. I'll even tell you about the time I saved a man from his failed attempt to comitt suicide. And, if your really good, I'll tell you my secret to curing hicups."

With that, Edward and I were the only ones left in our room. He was ripe for the sexing, and I was jaded. I didn't think my poor vagina could take another disappointment. It was more disappointed than Mulan's father when she tried to stop the Emperor's assistant front drafting him into the army.

"Well Bella?" Edward waggled his eyebrows with the suggestiveness of a hormone ridden man. "What do you say that we give it the good ole' college try?"

"Fine..." I sighed. Edward looked so happy and excited for sex that I couldn't just deny him and run the risk of his puppy dog eyes throwing their full force upon me.

I laid back upon the bed once more, opening my legs for the final call at the bar. Edward balanced himself over me for a moment before breaking into an elaborate dance which eventually resulted in Little Edward missing the bar completely and crashing drunkenly into the wall of my knee.

"OW!" Edward cried, tears welling with the fury of ten thousand bees who'd just seen a young girl picking everyone of their flowers. "OW! God, Bella! What'd you do that for?"

"I didn't do anything," I said, leaning over to stroke Edward's penis softly in hopes of making the pain ease away.

"You had a bone there! I bet you put it there on purpose, Bella!" Edward said.

"That's my femur, Edward," I said. "I was born with it. It's been there all my life."

"Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, Bella," Edward huffed. "You know, vampires never lie because we never sleep so we don't need help with it. Unlike you humans! SO FILLED WITH LIES!"

"You lie all the time!" I countered. "Isn't your whole life a lie? You and your family run around pretending to be young when really you're well over one hundred years old, at least!"

"...That's different, Bella," Edward said. "You lie just because you enjoy my pain. I can't believe you would do something so mean! Especially when I was just about to honor you with an orgasm!"

"A woman doesn't come in one thrust, Edward!" I said. "You, John, Alan... Even Ernie! You're all idiots! I need a orgasm, Edward! I need real loving! Not this... music based ridiculous stupidity!" I turned on my heel to the bathroom, grabbing my clothing as I did.

"Where are you going?" Edward asked, huffily.

"The only place I can go for some decent stroking, Edward. I'm going to The Amazing Superstore!"


	18. Bret Michaels Will Never Do You Like 'Dat

"BELLA NO!" Edward screamed, once again, from the other side of the bathroom door. "Things happen in those places. Bad things."

"Well only good can come out of it for me!" I screamed back. I wanted an orgasm and I wanted it now. Even if I had to buy Sex Games Cancun Four, I was getting the orgasm I deserved.

"What if I try the two step?" Edward pleaded. "Cira said that I'd be ready to roll if I did that. Maybe that's what we need."

I opened the door to Edward, eyes a-pleading, grasping at his one last shot to please me.

"Edward, for the last time. I don't need dancing. Dancing has nothing to do with sex...well," I paused in my thought. "Unless it's a stripper. Then dancing has everything to do with sex."

"Stripping!" Edward jumped jovially! "Why did you just say you wanted some stripper action!"

"No Edward that no-"

Before I could protest any further, Edward had me by the wrist and was dragging me out the door.

"We passed a quaint little place on the way in!" he explained as we left the hotel room for the fist time since the fire. "It's call the Diamond Dancers. There was even a special called Legs and Eggs. Maybe we can get breakfast there tomorrow!"

Edward's superhuman speed got us to the strip club in record time. Whether I liked it or not I was staring at a building that had a glittering neon diamond for a sign with naked profiles of woman dancing within it.

"Now you go make yourself comfortable inside. I'm going to work my magic and get some stage time."

"Edward," I grabbed on to his wrist to prevent him from leaving.

"Oh! I see!" Edward gave me a pat on the head. "Can't bare to be separated from your dear husband," he began to pull me towards the back of the club. "Well you can just come with me!"

"No, Edward," I protested as we came to a door that stood next to a large green dumpster. "I'm pretty sure this is a mens strip club."

"Yeah. So?"

"Meaning that the strippers are women. You can't strip here. No man wants to watch another man dance."

"Why that's pure nonsense Bella. Boy if you were Ponocho, I bet your nose would be all the way to China with all the lies you tell. I've watched John dance all the time. It's a male bonding thing, kind of like scratching our butts."

"No... Edward, I'm pretty sure all the men here came to see naked women... If you went out there in all your non woman glory..."

"Don't you worry one bit, Bella my love," Edward said as he led me into the strip club. "I know how to handle these things."

My perfect vampire of a husband brought me to a seat at the edge of the stage and settled me down in between a obese, burly gentleman and a smooth shaven fellow with a shirt reading "Mustache Rides 5 cents!" I was less than comfortable when Edward left and decided to drown my sorrows in drink. Unluckily for me, this bar carded and, being under twenty one, I was left to engage in the hardest of club sodas with lime.

"GENTLEMEN AND BELLA" a voice boomed over the speakers. I cringed. Clearly I was the only woman in the establishment save for the employees. The burly man at my right turned and nodded at me, his expression never changing from a perfect representation of bland.

"TONIGHT. FOR ONE NIGHT AND ONE NIGHT ONLY. AT THE REQUEST OF HIS NEW WIFE, BELLA..." I cringed, wishing that I'd paid more attention to Mike in highschool. He wasn't perfect, but he would never do something of this nature.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITS... TOASTY TESTICLES!"

Edward came onto the stage to the sounds of Les Miserables. It was ironically fitting. The musical of his choice was about miserable people and their moods reflected mine. Edward had taped fig newtons all along his penis in an attempt to remain covered while being otherwise completely naked. He sashayed his way over to the stripper pole, making direct eye contact with me as he began belting out the lyrics to 'Do you hear the people sing'. Again, quite fitting as I did indeed hear the songs of angry men.

"Whatdafuck'sdisshit?" the mustache-less man to my left demanded. "Dude'sadude."

The burly man nodded in agreement, snoring slightly.

Edward sung proudly even though there were hissing boos, and even a few glasses being thrown from the crowd. He didn't began to dance until the customary music break in a song just for dancing. Then, he whipped out every move that John Guevermont had taught him, and even managed to incorporate them on the pole.

I sank down in my seat, trying to fade from the crowd impossible as it might be because I was the only clothed woman in the place. However, to my surprise the boos and hisses and glass throwing had stopped soon after started his show stopping number dance. I sat up in my chair and looked to the men next to me. There were no longer looking upon Edward with looks of anger, but rather with looks of utter amazement.

"WHOA! DUDE HAS GOT GAME!" mustache shirt boy gasped, half mimiking Edward's hand motions.

"Why he must be able to get any woman he wants!" I heard another man exclaim from somewhere in the club.

Edward finished his song by doing two jazz squares to a fan quick into a leap and then into a full split. The men of Diamond Dancers erupted with appluade and praise as they all jumped to their feet to clap for my soulful ballerina. They didn't even seem to care that all of Edward's Fig Newtons had fallen off his penis in the finale of his dance.

"Thank you! Thank you!" Edward waved his hand like the Queen of England before tossing a piece of Newton out into the crowd, where two men fought over it manically. "Bella meet me out front! You guys were the best!" he called out before exiting to the back stage.

Another stripped with the name Honey Buns was taking the stage as I made my way out off the club. Unfortunately for her the men were no longer interested in watching a naked woman dance. Instead, I had to push through a mob of men crowding around a man who had gotten all of Edward's performance on type. They stared the projection of what they had just seen in awe. Some crying from its sheer beauty. Others saluting like it were the American flag. The rest were setting out one side of the club so they could begin to learn the wonderous dance that Edward put on.

"SO?" Edward greeted me beaming with pride. "Whaddya think? Great right?" he responed before I could even reply. "I was really worried about that fan kick at the end, but I figured you live once. It was worth try. And I totally nailed that slip. I mean even that professional Prostitute that Hugh Grant was caught with couldn't spread her legs as well as I just did. I hope that got you in the mood. I even wore 'our' Newtons," he gave me suggestive eyebrows coupled with a nudge.

I must have looked like a large mouth singing bass with the batteries taken out. My mouth was agape with complete shock and, try as I might, no words would be spoken.

"That's the ticket!" Edward said. "See? No need for that silly store of yours. Why, I bet you orgasmed just from watching me!" He laughed, eyebrows waggling once more. "Should we go clean it off for the next fellow?"

I shook my head, trying desperately not to crash my skull into the nearest wall. I had less of what one would call an orgasm and far more of what one would call burning eyeballs. I couldn't believe Edward was so desperate for my loving. After all the times he'd pushed me away because he was too dangerous. After all the cockblocking. It was kind of sweet, in it's own way. I smiled to myself as I realized he was doing all of this to be with me. The plain and simple and stupid human girl he'd so graciously married. So what if I couldn't orgasm from jazz squares? He knew this about me and married me anyway. Or would have, if he'd known because technically he didn't know until just this week. All things considered, he probably had no idea what would make me orgasm when he married me. Not that he knows now.

Regardless, Edward loves me. And I love him. And that's all that matters. Not sex, not clitoris strokings, not orgasms... not even sonnet 130. Our love was all that mattered.

"Let's go, honey," I said, jumping into his perfectly carved Adonis arms. "I want to make love to you all night long!"

"AAAAH YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LAWNG!" Edward sang as he speed back to our hotel room.

"Mmmhmm," I cooed. "We can go all night baby. This diner open 24 hours and it ain't closing for the breakfast rush."

"What does that even mean?" Edward asked as he opened the door to our Kingly sweet.

"Don't you worry your pretty little head about it," I stroked his golden hair before he laid me on the bed.

"OH MAN!" Edward squealed as he begun to undress me. "I'm more excited than an alter boy who managed to make a soundless fart in church!"

"That's nice Edward, now how about you just make with the kissing?"

Edward smashed his lips upon mine his saliva making sure my face was cleansed for the sex that was about to occur. Although it was a little gross, I did not care because my dear sweet Edward's breath smelled as if those little Listerine mouth wash strips dispensed from the roof of his mouth.

Edward's mouth separated from mine, as he began his customary sexual jazz squares, but I stopped him before he could combine that with his Cotton Eye Joe moves.

"Edward I just can't take anymore of you dancing tonight," I tired to sound as sexy as possible as I said this.

"Ah yes! You can't handel that much pleasure in one night! I'm just a pleasure machine use me, but don't abuse me!"

"Edwa- nevermind. How about we play a game called who can keep their lips on someone else's lips the longest?"

"OH YEAH! I MMA GONNA BEAT YOU!" Edward screamed before he smashed his lips on mine as he eagerly glided his member into my tunnel of female.

"I gotta admit," a voice from the open doorway said. "that's kinda turning me on."


	19. I Have Dee-a-bee-ties.

I looked up, annoyed beyond all measure that someone dared to threaten my Edward lovin' time. The shadow of a man entered into the room, holding a hand to his chin in a pondering manner.

"Would you continue to stay on this bus and rock my world?" Bret Michaels asked as he came into the light, the gold strands of his wig glistening beautifully around his overly eyelined face.

"BRET MICHAELS!?" Edward yelled, jumping up in all his nude glory to face the dead-beat rockstar. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?"

Bret paused before answering, glancing down at Edward's (not quite) raging hard-on. He raised an eyebrow slightly then shot me the accusatory eyes. Clearly he thought I wasn't doing my job as a wife if Edward were not fully aroused.

"I'm here for the music and the love," Bret said after he brought his sightline back up to Edward's grinning face. "The music. And the love."

"OH! MAH! GAH!" Edward fanned his face with both his hands as if to stop himself from fainting. "I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT BRETT MICHAELS IS IN MY HOTELROOM! Bella," he turned towards me bouncing up and down like a little kid in a candy store, "It's Brett Michaels!"

"I gotta say," Brett Michaels chimned in, "Your rabbid fandom. It's turning me on,"

I couldn't figure out what Bret Michaels did to make him famous. All I know is that he had that reality TV show where he dated the girls that had the world's biggest boobs.

"So why are you in our room?" I asked trying my best to mask my intolerence of yet another unwanted guest in our little sex and intamacy haven.

"Well you see," Brett Michaels plopped himself on the bed, leaving his Cheehta print cowboy hat on a hook that was connected to the Hotel Room door. "I have the disease know as Dee-a-bee-ties,"

"Dead Beasties?" Edward asked loudly with a confused lilt.

"No," Brett matched Edward's tone, "Dee-A-Bee-Ties,"

"Dead beat Ties?" Edward asked again leaning so his ear was facing Brett Michaels.

"DEE-A-BEE-TIES!" Brett screamed

Edward looked up towards the ceiling his mouth a ring, "OHHHHHH! DIABETES!"

"Well now that we have that mystery solved," I added sarcastically, "That still doesn't explain why you're here,"

"Well I was feeling a bit sick from my Dee-a-bee-ties so I decided to look for some food. Some nice man named Ernie Boch Jr. told me you guys set you room on fire from baking bread, so I thought I'd stop in and see if you had any left."

"WHY TOSS ME IN THE OVER OILED UP IN ZUCCINI SAUCE!" Edward smacked his thigh with excitement. "I WOULD BE HONORED TO FEED YOU MY ROCK OF LOVE!"

Bret grinned weakly at Edward's reply, lying down on the bed while Edward went to search for the remains of the bread. Edward returned moments later with the speed only a vampire could have and handed the loaf to Bret. The rockstar took it graciously, stuffing it into his well sung mouth.

"fank oof," he said, mouth full of yeast and dough.

"It is my pleasure, Bret Michaels. I would do anything for you..." Edward replied reverently.

"Would you... would you stick a needle in my leg if I needed an injection?" Bret asked.

I knew where this was going. I had seen that episode of Rock of Love Season 1. Edward fell to his knees, placing his head in Bret's lap, weeping softly.

"Of... Of course..." Edward said as Bret pet his bronzen locks.

"Then you can continue giving me your 110 percent and stay here and rock my world," Bret replied, placing a tour pass around Edward's neck.

Edward looked down at the pass and held it like Charlie would hold the ticket to the Chocolate Factory. He leaned up and embraced Bret, far more intimately than he'd ever embraced me. I felt a twang of jealousy as I witnessed their bromance growing with each passing moment.

It was not to last.

Unexpectedly, Bret broken into a sweat, gained a chemical odor on his breath that was similar to that of acetone or alcohol, experienced fatigue, fainting, and reddening of the skin for he was Caucasian.

"BRET!" Edward screamed. "OH GOD! BELLA! WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I didn't do anything!" I yelled back, panicking slightly. Bret Michaels was twitching around on the floor so much that his bandana and wig were beginning to seprate themselves from his scalp. I scanned the room for something useful and eventually happened upon my cellphone. I grabbed it and called the first name that looked helpful.

"Carlisle?" I said hurridly. "We need your help! Bret Michaels is here having some sort of... shock-thing!"

"I cannot come down to Tennessee in time, Bella. You should call an ambulanc--"

"I WILL CARRY HIM!" Edward said. "CARLISLE, READY THE BEST BED IN YOUR HOSPITAL!" He picked up Bret Michales, cradling the rock star to his breast. "Bella. Call a cab and meet me back in Forks. I'm going on foot. With my fantastic vampire speed and strength, I will have him to Calisle in eight minutes. Maybe nine if I avoid speed traps and get stuck on the freeway during rush hour without my E-Z-Pass."

I could only stare blankly as I watched Edward (thankfully) pull on his pants and dash out the door.

"What just happened?" Carlisle asked from the phone.

"I... I think Edward's running there..." I replied after a moment to regain my brain's working."

"Oh," Carlisle replied unemotionally. "How are you getting back here then?"

"Taxi?"

"Oh, um, well then. Good luck to you Bella. I think hear Edward coming up the way. I guess I'll send him back here for you."

"Um okay. If it's not too much trouble."

"No, not at all. Ah my dear sweet stupid son. A heart so big, but yet a brain so small," with that Carlisle hung the phone. I could hear Edward's hopeless screams filling the background before the cellphone clicked closed.

I sat back on the bed, not sure how to react. I was just left in Memphis by my husband on our honey moon for some rock star that he seemed to have a more than friendly relationship with. I began to ponder how normal he seemed before we were married. I groaned aloud coming to realization that I had just married a vampire two screws loose from having a sturdy table.

"IT'S HORRIBLE!" Edward screamed the minute his nimble, silent feet touched over the threshold of our room.

"Is Bret okay?" I tried my best to sound concerned, but how could I be concerned about some guy who was my husband's Rock of Love.

"YES!" Edward sobbed freely now as he tossed himself face down on the bed.

"I'm failing to see the problem here,"

"ITS...ITS....ITS A WIG!" he slammed his fist down on the pillow and thrashed his legs around.

"You didn't know that?" I rubbed his back soothingly.

"IT WAS COMMON KNOWLEDGE?" my dear vunerable Edward turned his eyes dry with shock.

"Yeah...that's why he always wore a bandana."

"NO!" Edward's sobs broke freely again. "I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A FASHION STATEMENT! A FASHION STATEMENT!" he screamed for emphasis as he ran his way into the bathroom.

I sighed, and haggaredly followed him only to be met with a closed door.

"Edward honey," I leaned on the door. "It's a natural thing for a man to go bald. He's still the same low grade rock star that you know and love,"

"EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN!" he screamed in reply before the sound of hair clippers could be heard buzzing from behind the door.

"Edward?" I began to panic. His bronze locks were beautiful. Why any woman would die for his hair. If he wasn't a vampire that lived off his father, he could be a hair model his hair was that great.

"IF BRET MICHAELS DOESN'T HAVE HAIR I DON'T WANT IT EITHER! I WILL SING MY SAD SAD COWBOY SONG TOO!"

"Edward... please don't..." I begged. I had already had to deal with the chrome dome on top of his head from the time earlier when he had needed to get in the mood to be Judas during his one man Jesus Christ Super Star performance. I could only pray he was at least making the carpet match the drapes.

Moments passed until Edward came out of the bathroom, completely hairless save for a slightly overgrown hair coming from his nose which he had neglected to trim during his morning grooming.

"I should take a photo of myself," Edward said. "And send it to him with get well greetings."

"I think that would be a lovely idea," I sighed, glad that Edward was out of the bathroom although not so thrilled that he would be sending another man naked photographs of his silky smooth body.

Edward grabbed my camera and began posing like an emo kid for Myspace infront of the full length Elvis shaped mirror in the room. He held the camera at all sorts of strange angles, making the photos overblown and un-white balanced. I hoped to god that Bret Michaels didn't have a secret love of proper photography for, as much as I wasn't fond of him, I didn't want him to die of a heart attack in the way only a famous superstar could.

"How do you think this one looks, Bella?" Edward asked as he held the camera above his head and pointed it at himself, making a kissy face.

"I... I plead the fifth, Edward," I replied, shaking my head. Why this style of self protrait ever became popular is something I'll never understand.

"It's great, right? He'll love it. Tons. It'll cheer him up in no time," Edward nodded to himself as he began uploading the photos on my computer. Moments later, an e-mail was sent off, filled with photos of Edward's hairless body and good wishes. Edward smiled to himself, proud of his generous deeds.

"Allen Shawn Fienstien would be so proud of me," he said to me after a moment. "I'm a Junior Scholar, you know. He loves me. His son, Ari said so in a commerical I saw once."

"That's nice Edward," I replied half-heartedly. I was getting rather upset that everything in the world seemed to be against me having an orgasm.

"Bella... what's wrong?" Edward asked, sensing my dissatisfaction.

"I... I just want... you," I admitted.

He leaned over me, eyes a blazing with lust. "Why didn't you say so, Bel----OH!" Edward jumped, glancing at my now ringing phone. "It's Carlisle!" He sprang for the phone like a lion springing for a gazelle. "HELLO!?"

"Edward...? It's me, Carlisle. Your father," Carlisle said from the other side of the call. He was using his best simple voice to make sure Edward didn't get confused. I was thankful. With Edward in this jumpy state, anything could set him off.

"WHAT IS IT?!" Edward yelled unneededly.

"We... We have a problem."


	20. Drop Them Boxers! Let Me Smell Your Dick!

"NO! " Edward bellowed into the phone. I was glad that my ear wasn't on the receiving end of his woeful scream. I think that if Carlisle could, he would've gone deaf. "HAS HE GOTTEN MORE BALD?"

"Edward..." Carlisle used a voice that one would use when trying to explain that Santa doesn't exsist to a young child. "Once a man has gone completely bald there is no way for him to loose more hair."

"Phew!" Edward wiped his sweatless brow, "That's a relief! I can't shave more parts of my body to commiserate! Well I'll see you when I get back!" with that, Edward hung up the phone without even hearing the problem Carlisle called to tell. "It's all good!" Edward wrapped me up in a comforting hug that I didn't need. "Bret Michaels is not getting balder."

"Didn't Carlisle say he had a problem to tell you about?"

"He might have?" Edward turned his face to ponder off in the distance. "But the important thing is that Bret Michaels's baldness is at a stand still. Kind of like the state of Conneticut at rush hour!"

What ever problem Carlisle wanted to explain to us, confronted us moments later with a mighty banging at the door followed by Bret Michaels storming in.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY MAN YOU HUSSY!" he pointed an accusatory finger at me, for Edward and I were still in an embracing position.

"Bret!" Edward yelled, jumping from my arms into his tattooed ones. "What are you doing here? I thought... I thought you were still with Carlisle..." he trailed off, looking up longingly at the rocker.

"I was. But then... I saw your photos, babe. I saw your dedication for me. It's kinda turning me on," he said, all while making a very bland face yet still keeping emotion in his not so sultry voice.

"I've got nothing but love for my man," Edward replied as he gazed lovingly into Bret's eyes blackened with the liner only a man of little talent and B-list fame could ever pull off.

"I'm no Flavor Flav, but I gotta admit... That's kinda turning me on," he replied as he wrapped his arms around my Edward's perfect, carved from stone body.

"...Edward?" I asked softly into the silence, heavy with desire. "Edward... hi. I'm your wife. Hi," I repeated, hoping to get his attention.

"Hunh? What? Oh. It's Bella," Edward rolled his eyes, turning to face me, an annoyed scowl on his beautiful features. "What?"

"...Hi. I'm your wife," I said again, hoping he'd get the picture and stop trying to get in Bret Michael's pants.

"I know that, Bella. I'm not dumb. Like you. Dumb." He put his hands on his hips, balancing his weight on one leg as he gave off the impression of someone who was clearly displeased. "Didn't we go through this? Mind of an elephant, Bella."

I inturrupted him before he could poke his skull and say 'elephant' once more. "I know. But..." I trailed off. "I was hoping that... you married me for realsies. Not for falsies. But for realsies. You know... no cheating and all that."

"It's not cheating if it's a threesome and there's one partner not there," Edward replied.

"For realises," I jutted out my lower lip, hoping that the gesture would some how make Edward remember the love we once shared.

That day Edwards heart grew three times its size as he looked the little Bella Lou, and her pouting and innocent face.

"I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO!" he stated in a loud voice, jumping into an aside that both Bret and I could hear. "I have nothing but love for Bret, but I made a solemn oath to Bella. And if there's one thing vampires never do is break oaths!"

"Edward, no!" tears began to form, smudging Bret's perfectly lined lower eyelid. "Please don't do me like this!"

"I have to!" Edward took Bret's face in both of his perfectly fingered hands. "It has nothing to do with you Bret. It's me,"

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT LINE!" Bret tore his face out of Edward's hand. "IT IS ME! IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS!" he ripped of his hat and his blue paisley bandana to reveal his flesh toned scalp, glowing under the glare of incandescent hotel lighting.

"BRET!" Edward screamed sheilding his eyes from some unknown horror.

While all the action was going on, I made so popcorn. I was watching a soap opera at it's finest.

"I LOVE YOU FOR YOUR INNER BEAUTY!" Edward screamed trying his hardest not to grimace at Brets' raging baldness.

"LOOK AT ME!" he grabbed Edward's face so he couldn't look away, "LOOK AT ME!" Bret rubbed his hand against his scalp, flakes falling to the floor. "I'M CHRISTMAS, EDWARD!" he began to weep, the dandruff melting away in the night. "I'm.... I'm Christmas..."

"You know they have shampoos for that?" I advised, gleeful that finally Edward seemed to be acting like a normal husband should. Cherishing me and not giving into the temptations of washed up rock stars and pathetic English teachers.

"YOU!" another accusatory finger from Bret pointed in my direction. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN HERE AND BREAK UP A HAPPY FAMILY!"

"Family?" Edward inquired, not missing a beat for the first time this honey moon.

"Yes!" Bret began to weep harder as he replied. "Edward...I'M CARRYING YOUR CHILD!" he fell to the ground in heaving sobs.

Edward rushed to his knees to hold Bret in his tender and loving arms. "Oh..." he said, eyes welling with tears of joy. "OH BRET!"

I sat, mouth a-gape, popcorn falling from my oral cavity. This was an unexpected turn that I had not expected. I was just about to close my mouth when my cellphone rang once more.

"Hello?" I answered, trying not to sound as though I'd just found out my husband's child was being carried by another man who was not me.

"Bella? Oh thank god. I'm glad it's you and not my idiot son," Carlisle's voice sounded tired and relieved. "I have something to talk to you about. The problem I mentioned before which Edward hung up on me for."

"Yes?" I asked pressingly.

"Well... Emmett decided he wanted he wanted to try to reach the intellectual level of his siblings," Carlisle explained. "So he took an online course in surgery... and, well..."

"What happened, Carlisle?" I demanded urgently. "I need to know if something happened to Edward!"

"No, not Edward. I wouldn't care if it were Edward. Edward doesn't have a billion dollar legal team. God, you are dumb," Carlisle snapped. "Emmett inserted a uterus into Bret Michaels. I need you to get that uterus, Bella."

"...Get--"

"That uterus, yes. Why do I have to spell everything out for everyone ever? Even Esme! It's like, bitch, get in the kitchen and make me a fucking sandwich! But she's all 'ooooh, honey... what kind do yeeewwww want?' and it's like, GOD, I'm a motherfucking vampire! What kind of sandwich do you think I fucking want?! PBandJ? FUCK NO, BITCH. I want a goddamn BLOODY FLESH SANDWICH."

"...What are you even talking about?" I said after he finished his ridiculously out of character rant.

"FUCKING... UGH!" he yelled once more, slamming the phone against what I could only assume was a wall. He picked it up and yelled into it once more. "UTERUS, BELLA. GET IT. OR FACE MY MONSTER-IN-LAW WRATH."

"I GET IT!" Edward said from the floor where he was still with Bret. "Because Carlisle's a monster because he's a vampire! Great!"

Carlisle swore a few more times before hanging up and leaving me with a very quiet cell phone. I blinked.

"Is he always like that?" I asked.

"Oh yeah. All the time," Edward grinned. "He's great, right? I know! Best dad ever! He even damned me to a life of soul-less existance which I hate and which put me in mortal pain! I love my daddy!"

"Oh, um, well then." I stood in an emotion I couldn't even discribe. If there was one thing I learned it was that the Twilight Zone was not fictional. It was real and I was in it.

"YEAH! And once, when I was young Vampire, he left me locked in a room for day with nothing to eat! He said it was to build character! Well I don't know if it did any of that junk, but it definitely helped me keep my girlish figure," Edward popped up and ran his hands down his perfectly formed and manly curves.

"Wow," Bret patted his stomach lovingly. "He seems like the perfect grandfather for our child!"

"Well I wouldn't speak so soon," I said after finding the right words to begin the hard process of telling an expecting mother he can't keep his baby. "Carlisle needs your uterus."

"WHAT?" Edward and Bret gasped in unison.

"Carlisle would never ask for such a crazy thing!" Edward's eyes begin to fill with tears of anger. "You're just jealous Bella! Jealous that Bret and I were able to create life and your old, haggared, and dried up woman eggs couldn't!"

I gasped before defending myself with a, "I am only nineteen years old! My woman eggs are supple succulent and full of life thank you very much!"

"YOU'LL NEVER GET THIS BABY!" Bret screamed sheilding his baby bumpless stomach. "And I know just who to call to prevent it from happening!" Bret pulled out his I-Phone and punched in a number the way only a mother in defense of his unborn baby could. "Hello? Yeah John. It's me Bret. Yeah, I miss you too. Those flowers were quite nice. I especially loved to link to the naked rendition of Guys and Dolls you sent me. Yeah, I have to say...it was turning me on. Could you come over here though. I'm at the Cullen's hotel room. We have WOMAN," Brett stared daggers in my direction as his voice rose with the utterance of the word 'woman', "Issue that needs to be attended to. YOU WILL? That's marvelous. Who loves to love ya baby? KISSES! MUAWH! Bye bye!"

"Did you call John?" Edward asked lowering his voice an octive to bring manly weight to his question.

"DID I EVER? THIS PREGNANT MAN HATER WILL RUE THE DAY SHE CROSSED BRET MICHAELS!"

I slammed my hand to my forehead, it was never going to end.


	21. Edward's Hands are Bananas

I couldn't believe that anyone in this world was as unlucky as I was. I've always been prone to accidents and injuries and I accepted that fact with strength, but this? No one should have to put up with such a prolonged lack of orgasm due to ridiculous interventions.

Few women would understand my pain, but I knew one who could. If Edward and Bret were allowed to call John Guevrenmont, I could place a phone call of my own. I grabbed my cell phone, swinging my arm so quickly that if a video were being taken at a frame rate of 29.97 frames per second, there would still be substantial blur lines.

"R. KELLY?" I yelled into the phone.

"You forgot to dial, Bella," Edward glared from the other side of the room. "God. Dumb."

I returned the glare with one of equal measure, wondering idly if there was a measure for a glare. If there was, I'm sure it would be something that would be easy to measure using a protractor. As I wondered such mysteries of the universe, I dialed the number to the greatest source of guidance I could think of.

"Dis is Big Man," a voice answered.

"Big Man? It's Bella. Is your narrator there?" I asked, grateful to finally hear the voice of someone sane.

"Oh yeah. He's here. Hold on..." There was a slight muffling on the other line as a phone was handed over what I can only imagine was a wonderful cherry pie made by Bridget.

"Hello?" a manly yet oh so velvety smooth voice answered.

"R. Kelly!" I said. "It's me! It's Bella!

"I'm thinking of the person. I'm pondering the person. I'm a remembering the person!" R. Kelly sang. "It's BELLA! Ella... ella... ella..."

"Yes, R. Kelly. It's me. Bella," I said. "I've got a problem which you need to help me with. R. Kelly... It's Bret Michaels."

"He's carryin' the baby! He's got the baby! He's delivering the baby... baby... baby..."

"How did you know?" I asked, even though I should have well known that R. Kelly knew everything, being the narrator of many ridiculous stories about people having other people's babies and such things.

"Yeah well the baby he is carrying belongs to my husband...husband...husband!" I couldn't help but match the singing the soulful pedifiliac R&B singer.

"Shit. Think. Shit. Think."

"Can you just come over and help me sort this all out?"

"I'm getting my keys. I'm walking out the door. I'm heading to the car. I'm close the the the car! My hand is on the car! I'm opening the door! But oh shit, it's locked...locked...locked!"

"Well just try and get here as soon as you can," I hung up on the R. Kelly's song narration of him trying to get his pop out key to work so he could unlock his most definitely Gangsta ride.

When I turned back to the room, John Guevermont was already there giving words of comfort to his disciples in between angry and rueful stare at me.

"You will all be sorry for this!" I stared back, refusing to back down. It was show time. The final curtain call. It was go big or go home. Let the shit hit the fan. Cut the turd loose.

"OH yeah! What are you gonna do?" Bret Michaels demanded, a sly smirk spread across his face. "Bleed period blood on us, because you know, you have not fertilized egg in your womb. Your dead woman womb!"

"YOU GO GIRL!" Edward screamed while doing a badly chorographed z snap.

"OH SHEEIT!" John heckled. "BRET DID NOT JUST GO THERE!"

Before I could respond to the clever insult from Bret, the sounds of R. Kelly narrating were heard outside the door.

"I step off the elevator! I see the room! I'm walking towards the room! I'M GETTING CLOSER TO THE ROOM! I'M AT THE ROOM! I ENTER THE ROOOOOOM!" R. Kelly walked into the room as he sung the last part.

"You called R. Kelly?" John Guevermont asked with bewilderment. "OH! MY! GOD!" he started screaming and jumping in circles like he was a pre teen girl and R. Kelly was the Jonas Brothers. "I can't compete with R. Kelly! He's a really singer/songwriter! I'm just a high school English teacher!"

"WHAT?" Edward screamed, tears welling up in his copper eyes. "You lied to us. Why? WHY GOD WHY?"

"What the hell is going on?" R. Kelly's soulful voice chimed in, "I stare at Bella. Then I stare at John. Then I stare at Edward. They're faces are in shock, so I PULL OUT MY GUN. Someone better tell me what the hell is going on or I'm going to shoot this place up!"

"Calm down, everyone!" Bret cried. "All this tension is bad for the baby!" He clutched his stomach close to his body.

"JOHN! EXPLAIN!" Edward sobbed, his whole body shaking with complete sadness. "I can't believe... you were... lies..."

"Eddie, hey. It's still me. It's still Johnny," the Canadian said, petting Edward's hair. "I'm still the god among men you believed me to be. I just... I can't compete with god of gods-lyness."

Edward looked up at John, his tears drying as though the heavens had opened up for him once more. "Really?" he asked.

"Really," John smiled, the gap from his teeth shining like a beacon of hope in a world shadowed in hate. I had to admit, it was a beautiful sight.

"It's kinda turning me on," Bret said to me, noticing my reaction to the moment. "But I can't do nothing about it. Not with me being so fat. I'm like a whale now..."

R. Kelly turned to me, his soulful eyes deep with confusion and musical talent. "Baby, what is goin' on? Tell me what's goin' on. I need to know what's goin' on!"

"Oh, right," I said, remembering what I called the R&B super star for. "I need this man's uterus before my husband has a child with another man. I'm... well I'm not really sure why John Guevrenmont's here, but he kind of shows up every once in a while."

"Oh." beat. "Oh." beat. "Oh," R. Kelly replied in time with the music in his head.

"Yeah, more or less," Edward nodded. "Except, God Bella you're dumb. John's here because he's the godfather to my unborn child! He's here to protect little Brecarlisle."

"Bre...carlisle," I repeated slowly.

"Yes. Because his father is Bret and my father is Carlisle. It makes perfect sense, Bella. I figured it'd be what you wanted. Maybe if your woman eggs weren't sunny side up, we could have named our child Reneseme. But they are. So you lose."

"...Edward, what are you even talking about?" I asked.

"Wait! Wait. Wait," R. Kelly sang. "I did not stay here to hear you chew each other out! So get to the point or I'm a'gettin' out!"

"We went over this," I said. "I need the uterus that Emmett put into Bret Michaels."

"THIS IS CRAZY!" R. Kelly screamed in soulful song. "I'm gonna have to shot someone!"

"No! Please!" Edward sang in time to R. Kelly's acapella beat.

"THINK OF MY BABY!" Bret crooned as R. Kelly pointed towards him.

"SOME ONE BETTER TELL ME!" R. Kelly shot a round in air, "What are we gonna do?"

"Maybe we should go to the hospital?" I rhymed as best I could, not being an award winning and ex-convict R&B singer.

"That sound like a plan to me!" R. Kelly lowered his gun and his lulled into the soulful part of his song, seeming to enjoy this plan.

"But Mr. see?" Bret Michaels stood up with the strain that only a pregnant woman could have.

"We want to keep our baby!" Edward chimed in as he helped Brett to his feet.

"I take a minute to fully digest what has been said," R. Kelly went into his musical aside. "I was trying hard to not blow a vessel in my head. How can a male be pregnant with another man's baby? This shit's gettin' crazy. Why did I get into this mess? I JUST CAN'T HELP, HELPING A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!...distress...distress."

"Well," John broke in without singing. "Something similar happened to me once. You see I had an emotion affair with one of my students and she got mad at me for something that couldn't possibly have been my fault. So, in order to smooth things over I sent her carnations on Valentines day label to the "Other Nicole" which is really special because she is my most beloved of student emotion affairs!"

"What does this have to do with anything?" I asked, throwing my hands up in exasperation.

"You better start explaining or you'll get shot by me!" R. Kelly backed me up.

"They answer is simple, but maybe only someone as intellectual as me would get it. Give carnations to Bret and Edward and then they're putty in your hands."

"But...but...don't you want them to have the baby?"

"GOD NO! I'm a Roman Catholic for Gods Sake! Why I believe that everyone loved Jesus even though a religion book proclaimed that to Hasidic Jews saying the name Jesus is like utter a swear word."

"Why you gotta do us like that?" Edward cried, weeping once more.

John shrugged, R. Kelly hummed, Bret rubbed his belly woozily, I ate some more popcorn.

"COME ON DOWN," an all too familiar voice called from the heavens. We all looked up, searching for the source of the call.

There, on the lawn of our Elvis themed hotel, dressed in full uterus-reposession attire, was Earnie Boch Junior.


	22. We repossess for less so we can sell for less.

"EARNIE BACH JUNIOR!" I gasped, waving jovially to the used car sales man who graced our lawn. "AM I EVER SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!"

"No need to yell, m'dear. I've got EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!" Earnie replied.

"...No. What I'm looking for right now is Bret Michaels' uterus and I'm pretty sure he's got that in his stomach. Unless you already repossessed it but you just got here so I can't see how you could have done it so quickly without anyone noticing. Or coming down for that matter," I said.

"God, Bella. Don't you ever shut up?" Edward asked from where he sat with John, Bret and R. Kelly. "You're like... You're like a daytime television talk show host on a program aimed for middle aged women who hate their marrages and want to find the best way to fold napkins as to woo the pool boy!"

I was stung by his words and slinked away from the window, clutching a hand to my heart. Edward was wounding me more and more with each passing day of our mairrage. It was though the hole in my heart which had previously been ripped open when Edward had left for Italy then been mended by his return was now being opened once more with a seam ripper, rusty from age and abandonment in a musty cellar.

"SHE BACKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW, SHE CLUTCHES HER CHEST! I PULL OUT MY GUN!" R. Kelly Narrated the current events that were occuring in the bedroom.

"You know, that reminds of the time a student pointed a gun at me," John perched his chin on his stroking fingers as he looked up towards the heaven, recalling yet another pointless memory.

Before he could finish Ernie Boch Junior busted in with a, "LET ME INNNININ!" remixing his custom lyrics for the uterus repossession at hand.

"YOU'LL NEVER GET THIS UTERUS!" Edward sprang into action, block Ernie's path from entering further into the Vestibule of the room.

"Oh shit." beat. "Oh shit." beat. R. Kelly put his head in his hands, clearly realizing the situation was slowly getting worse.

"Edward! He has to do this!" I hoped that for once on this honey moon Edward would listen to the usually off part of his brain that was the center for reason.

"Bella! Don't you see? We're in love! Bret and I have something special," Edward's voice cracked with emotion. "Something that could never be destroyed! Not even by this man that lies in his songs!" Edward stopped to cast an angry pair of eyes on Ernie. "This child is the symbol of our a love! A symbol of the special bond as husband and wife that we share! For better or worse Bella. For better or worse!"

"...Edward," I tried my best to stay calm. Edward was like a cadged animal. Agitation only mad him angrier. As long as you could keep your cool Edward would not go totally pshyco. "You and Bret aren't married."

"NOT YET!" He cried with a sweeping gesture he was at Bret's fee on one knee. "Bret, I want to stay on your tour forever and rock your world until the end of time!" with that he whipped out a sparkly diamond ring.

Before a teary eyed Bret could answer a boom voice interrupted from the door. The large figure cast in darkness.

"WAIT!" the voice bellowed, sounding like a hairy man who had be trapecing through the woods.

"Hold on a tick," I said, using outdated slang for emphasis and to hopefully confuse my fellow roommates. They were often ones for outbursts, so I hoped that, if confused, perhaps silence would remain long enough for me to get my thoughts out.

It didn't work. In the time it took me to explain my slang useage, voices rang out between the walls.

"IS THAT...?" Bret looked at the door in both horror and shock. "No... it couldn't be!"

"IT IS!" The voice replied. "IT IS I!"

"Wait just a poppencocky minute!" I saId, hoping to confuse again and thus render them speechless once more. Time was of the essence and I had to stop my internal narration as soon as possiable if I was ever going to get a word in edge-wise.

"WHO!?" Boomed Edward as he raised his fists up in preperation for a fistacuffs. "ARE YOU HERE TO ALSO STEAL THE BABY? WELL I WON'T ALLOW IT! AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!"

"...I could outrun you actually," the voice said, sounding slightly surprised that Edward had question. "I mean... probably not right now. But when I get more feet I could. Four is more than two, you know."

"Really? I had a feeling but I was just... never sure. Sometimes these things go a bit over my head, you know? I mean. I'm a birilliant vampire, of course, but there are things even my powerful and flawless mind cannot comprenend," Edward said, tapping his cranium. "Elephant."

"Can I please speak?" I asked, hoping that maybe being polite would get me somewhere in life beyond managing a store in a mall during the Christmas rush.

"No," Edward snapped as soon as the question left my lips. "Women should be seen and not heard. God Bella. Dumb."

"Ain't that the truth," John nodded. "I remember this one time when one of my students left me a note saying that I wouldn't remember her handwriting. As if I could forget..."

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?" I screamed, finally losing it. "WHO CARES?" I threw my hands up to the heavens. "YOU BEING ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN YOUNGER THAN YOU, FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON, HAS NO BARING UPON THIS SITUATION!" I slumped my body in exhustion. It was a harsh truth, but it had to be said. Someone needed the help the poor man, and even in my frazzeled and confused state I could never forget that I was a Finestein Junior Scholar. And as every good Finestein Scholar knows, good deeds come before anything else.

"BELLA!" Edward matched my previously loud screaming before breaking into a fits of rageful sobs. "WHEN YOU DO JOHN LIKE THAT...YOU...YOU DO ME LIKE THAT!"

"Edward!" Brett gasped as he began to heave himself off his perch. "I hate to see you li-"

"NO!" the shrouded wolf of a shadowed man finally revealed himself at Bret Michaels's side. "You can't jostle the baby in such a way!"

"JACOB?" every person in the room screamed in unison, followed by silence save for R. Kelly's suspenseful echoing.

"YES IT IS I!" Jacob beat his chest and stood up straight after safetly getting Bret back to his seat. "I HAVE COME TO GET WHAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ME!"

I groaned, "Jacob you know that we can never be together. I told you at the end of New Moon that It was always Edward. Sometimes you can be so thick. Why your skull is as thick as those perfectly sculpted legs of yours."

My chastising was followed by silence. A silence coupled with a confused face from Jacob. A silence and a confused face followed by hysterical laughter.

"Please Bella!" he flipped his wrist at me after wiping a tear from his eye. "That ship sailed that day you finally agreed to kiss me. I mean come on! Who eats an scallion and garlic omelette with tabasco sauce before a kiss? You're not the one I'm here for." He turned towards the jury of idiots that sat in my hotel room watching the drama go down. "I'm here for Bret!"


	23. A Furry Predicament

Everyone except Bret and R. Kelly stared at Jacob, mouths a-gape, ready for birds to nest. I had to stop and wonder. How was it that a middle-aged, balding and untalented singer such as Bret Micaels was able to gain the love and affection of the most important people in my life? What did he have that I didn't? I paused to ponder it. Bret had a penis. He had busty women. He had a weave. He had loads of money....

Bret had a lot which I did not have.

"YOU!" Edward yelled, pointing at Jacob and giving him the accusatory eyes.

"Yes," Jacob said again, not with the gusto of before, but with the tone of a man who was sick of introducing himself to the peanut gallery. "It is I." He sighed, giving Edward a look which could only express his deepest disgust.

"YOU!" Edward yelled once more, adding a pointing finger to his accusatory eyes.

"...Yes," Jacob said with even less enthusaum than before. "It is I."

"YO--"

"EDWARD. WE GET IT! IT'S JACOB. WE GET IT. GOD!" I yelled, throwing my hands up in exasperation.

"How could you let him in here Bella. Why you gotta do me like that?"

"Edward..." I sighed, tired of needed to explain the most simple of things to my shockingly dimwitted husband. It is true what they say. They do wait until your married to show their crazy side. "I didn't let Jacob he barged in all on his own."

"YES!" Jacob regained his earlier vigor. "FOR LOVE KNOWS NO BORDERS. DOORS OR LANDS! THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD DO TO KEEP ME FROM MY LOVE...BRET MICHAELS!"

"Wait. Wait. Wait." R. Kelly's soulful voice tuned into the conversations. "How can this be! This man is carried Edward's baby! PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME!" he pulled out his Beretta once again.

"Well you see," Jacob took a seat on the bed. "I too wanted to Rock Bret's world on his tour of love. We had a connection! A REAL CONNECTION! Why, I even got his name tattooed on my neck. It was my first tattoo ever. Remember baby?"

"It was a magical moment for us both. I had to admit...it was turning me on."

"Yeah, well after our night of intimacy things went sour. Sour with the talk of needles! I just couldn't do it! I couldn't stick a needle him in if he went into diabetic shock!"

"You have diabeties?" John questioned.

"Yes," Bret replied as if it were something to be ashamed of. "I have dee-a-beet-ties."

"DEER BEAT FLIES?" Edward screamed not seeming to remember Bret's odd pronunciation of the word only hours before.

"No dee-A-BEET-ties!"

"FEET LEAVE TUESDAY MORNING?"

"NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING THINGS UP!" Jacob snarled showing his what would be fangs if he were in his werewolf state. "Yes, my dear Bret has Diabeties and I am afraid of needles!" Jacob must've noticed the skeptical faces of the audience as he continuted. "I may be big meaty, warm, and hair, but I am still a man! A man with wants, needs, and fears! FEARS THAT CAN CRIPPLE RELATIONSHIPS! TAKE ME BACK BIG DADDY! YOUR LITTLE SUGAR MUFFIN NEEDS SOME SERIOUS LOVIN'" Jacob pleaded at Bret's swollen with pregnancy feet.

"I...can't. Don't you see? It would never work out!"

"But what about our little miracle?" Jacob motioned to Bret's stomach.

"Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit!" R. Kelly's soulful voice was the only thing that reverbriated againt the walls.

"What..." Edward started. He looked broken. Destroyed. Like a broken and destroyed man. "What do you mean...?"

"I mean what I said," Jacob replied, obviously annoyed at Edward's question.

"Jake... He's a bit slow in the head. You have to spell things out for him. He's not quick to the uptake," I explained.

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH WOMAN. SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Edward yelled with the voice only a man who was losing his unborn child could have.

Jacob sighed and rolled his eyes. "Sure sure," he said, quoting his famous line. "Right. Well... okay. So... it was a night of passion, yeah?" Everyone nodded. "Well. During nights of passion, a man can't just pull a Kenny. There has to be someone there to help him milk the cow, as it were. And Bret, well..." Jacob paused to smile fondly at the diabetic singer. "He's got himself the best hands on the farm."

"...What is that even supposed to mean?" I asked.

Edward rolled his eyes. "And here you were just critisizing me," he said sternly. "What Jacob means, Bella, is that he and Bret did what you and I have done so many times before. They made passionate, orgasmic love."

"Edward," I said. "I have never had an orgasm with you."

"WHA-WHA-WHATTTTT?!" Edward stammered.

"She ain't gonna gasm. She's never gonna gasm. She better give up trying to gasm... Gasm... Gasm..." rang R. Kelly's soulful voice.

For the first time since Edward left me for Italy to go and dazzle himself to suicide, I fell to my knees and wept openly. It was true. I was never going to get an orgasm at the rate things were going. I had hoped that sex was going to be something beautiful and wonderful which brought both my darling pudding pop and myself to Nirvana. Not the band, although that would be pretty neat, but rather the state of being.

"Oh pish tosh," Edward flicked his wrist limply. "Of course you've orgasmed with me, Bella. I'm fantastic in bed. You're just silly and can't tell when your own body is reaching the beautiful climax which I provide you with. I mean, who can resist my two step?"

"Ain't that the truth," John nodded in compliance. "Eddie here is one of my best students. Right up with Meg." He sighed, looking longingly into the distance where Earnie Bach Junior's organ repossessing self once stood.

"Wait... Do you mean to tell me that you've forgotten what the main issue for the past few days has been?" I threw my arms up in the air. Why was it that I, the measly and imperfect human, surrounded by all these near gods, was the one speaking common sense?

"Of course not," Edward chuckled.

"I think we have a more important matter to deal with, gentlemen," Jacob interrupted with a voice of dignity. "I've brought my lawyer with me today to help me reclaim what is rightfully mine. Not only in my cells, but in my heart. Gentlemen, may I introduce to you..." he paused. "Actually, no. I will represent myself. I called that hotline that they advertise during Springer. I got off my couch and got my degree. So I'll introduce you to me. My lawyer."

"YOU!" Edward pointed again, excited to have the opportunity arise once more.

"Yes," Jacob replied. "It is I."

"What happened to having a mind of an elephant?" I tapped my head for emphasis. "Elephant?" completely ignoring the exchange between Edward and Jacob that had happened moments before.

"Well Bella, I can't remember everything that happens. I am just a human...well not really. I'm actually a vampire! A terrifying and evil vampire! I'M A MONSTER BELLA! SEE ME FOR WHAT I REALLY AM!" He stepped into the sunlight that was pouring into the window. His skin became a glow as if he slipped into a sequined body suit. SEE! I'M A MONSTER!" he bellowed before braking into sobs only a hideous sequined monster could have.

"You're...you're beautiful!" Bret began to stand as if the Virgin Mary appeared to him.

"DON'T FALL FOR IT!" Jacob screamed as he fumbled to shade the light from the window. "IS THAT WHAT YOU DO?" he screamed, tears streaming down his face to match Edward. "BREAK UP HAPPY COUPLES WITH YOUR SPARKLES?"

"HOLD EVERYTHING!" I screamed.

"OR I'LL PULL OUT MY GUN!" R. Kelly backed me up, placing his hand comfortably on his jacket pocket.

"Thanks R." I collected myself and begin. "The real problem is not Edward's sparkly skin or who Bret's scienfical maircle baby belongs to. Why it's not even the fact that John Guevermont is a forty-seven-year-old man who lives in a dream world in which he is the greatest being alive."

"PFt dream world?" John scoffed. "If I lived in a dream world how did I come to be the choir director of my Church choir. Why they just don't ask anyone to direct a bunch of old people, who can't sing or hold long notes anymore, in the song of the Lord."

"Whatever," I continued, not wanting to get into a fight with him at this point. "The real problem is that Edward can only last for two and a half thrusts, and that is not enough for a woman. A real woman needs at least a good twenty thrusts before she is fully please. Twenty. that is seventeen and a half thrusts more."

I was greeted with silence. Silence was something I was beginning to appreciate in the light of the situations as of late.

The silence, however, was quickly broken by Jacob's howling laughter, "TWO AND A HALF THRUST?" he continued his laughter. "WOW I CAN LAST FOR OVER THIRTY THRUSTS! Well I think at least. Bella's rejection has caused me to never want to be with a woman again. But jeez Bella. I bet you have egg on your face!"

"I think Jacob's blind," Edward whispered to Bret. "There is certainly no egg on Bella's face. Acne, maybe, but not egg. You should love me, Bret. I can see her for what she really is."

"...I meant it metaphorically, two-point-five-Eddy," Jacob said, smirking slightly. "I think Bret could see that. He appreciates the finer things in life. Like a sharp wit."

"Yeah? Well... FINE!" Edward huffed. "I'LL SHARPEN MY WIT! JUST YOU WAIT!" He turned on the ball of his foot and went into the kitchenette, pulling out a knife. A look of confusion spread across the perfect face of my husband. He looked at the knife curiously, thinking about something very hard.

"What is it, pudding pop?" I asked.

"Where would my wit be to sharpen?" Edward asked. "I mean... I have a knife and I learned how to widdle when I was in boy scouts..."

"Aren't you a little old to be getting away with being in boy scouts?" Jacob asked.

Edward shrugged in reply.

"Eddie... babe," John Guevernmont patted his back in consolment. "It's alright. You don't have to strain yourself for him."

"I do though," Edward replied, putting the knife down on the counter. "I spit at Jacob for this man. I... I love him."

John nodded and continued patting Edward's back. "I know, believe me son, I know. It's hard when they get this way but sometimes you have to realize that you're married and it's never going to work between you and the one you lust after. They're so young and full of life. A life they need to get on with, even if it is without you and with a restraining order."

"You're right," Edward nodded sadly. "Perhaps it is time to move on. Jacob will..." he broke into heaving sobs. "He'll take care of... the baby!" His sobbing ended in a full out wail which echoed down the halls of the hotel.

"You know what they say," John laid a promising and comforting hand upon Edward, who was now on the floor in the fetal position. "It's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. You know? I wrote that little ditty the last time one of student affairs realized I was too intellectual to ever love them the way they needed it."

"You did not write that!" I broke in, my love for English taking hold. "That's a line from a Tennyson poem."

A horrid scream came for the Bret Michaels region, stopping any retort from John Guvermont. All heads snapped to find Bret Michaels curled up on the floor, mirroring Edward's fetal position.

"Clearly my love is having sympathy pains for me!" Edward mused watching Bret writhe in agony. "However, while my pain is internal and emotional, his is physical."

"WHAT IS IT? I SCREAMED." R. Kelly's soulful voice hit a crecendo that only a popular R&B singer could muster.

"TELL US PLEASE!" I cried aloud, for the first time caring about the well being of Bret, in rhyme to R. Kelly's last musical outburst.

"I THINK IT'S THE BABY!" Bret screeched, still following R. Kelly's rhyme scheme.

"Is little Jacret okay?" Jacob knelt at Bret's side.

"Jacret?" I quipped.

"DUH!" Edward huffed shooting an annoyed look in my direction. "It's a combination of Jacob and Bret. All the cool parents are naming their kids like this today!"

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Bret took hold of the room in a way that only a pregnant woman who is in labor pains could do. "I THINK THE BABY IS COMING!"


	24. You are the wind beneath my wings.

"Good lord!" Jacob screamed as he knelt to Brett's side. "We need to get this heavenly being to a hospital right away!"

"There's no time for that!" Edward replied in a panic. "I'll call my father, he'll know what to do! He's a doctor! Doctors give birth, right?"

"Right!" Jacob said. "Good thinking!"

"Oh! Well, thank you for the compliment! It really means a lot coming from you. I know that we don't really get along, but it really makes me feel good knowing that you'll still willing to acknowledge my achievements," Edward smiled, putting a friendly hand over Jacob's. They looked into each other's eyes, smiling softly. There was a part of me which squealed like a fat English woman inside. I had always hoped that one day the two most important men in my life would join together in the bonds of friendship and brotherhood. I wiped a tear from my eye, knowing that everything in the world was right in that moment.

That moment did not last long as Bret let out yet another, blood curdling, pregnant woman scream. "AAAH!"

All eyes once again turned to the diabetic winner of the latest season of Donald Trump's reality television show. "Oh no!" Edward gasped. "I MUST GET TO CARLISLE!" He leapt to action with the speed of a one hundred and nine year old vampire and dashed for the phone. He paused, not being fully able to figure out how to unlock it quickly, then, after a bit of button smashing, dialled Carlisle.

"CARLISLE?" Edward screamed into the phone once the sound of it being answered by a being was made. Somehow throughout the phone smashing Edward managed to get the phone on speaker.

The receiving end of the converstation did not reply with a hello, or a good day, or even a wazzup. Instead we were greeted with the sound of heavy breathing and moaning.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Carlisle managed to gasp out during hefty huffs of oxygen.

"Carlisle? Are you in a marathon?" Edward asked, completely unaware of the situation. "I didn't know that was a new past time of yours! Why it's probably down right unfair! You must be the fastest thing by far! I mean as if people COULD OUT RUN YOU!"

"I'M FUCKING YOU MOTHER DUMBASS! NOW GET TO THE POINT!" Carlisle seemed to have quite the change in attitude as of late. He was no longer the loving and pacient man I knew him to be. I guess over a hundred years of stupid coming from his son really wore the guy out.

"EW! !" Edward squealed like Justin Bieber sung, high pitched. "Why would you tell me that? Now I'm going to have horrible nightmares! It's almost like walking in on you! Do you know what happens to kids when they walk in on their parents doing indecent things? WELL IF YOU DON'T JUST ASK TOMMY! HE'S DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND NOW!"

"THE SITUATION AT HAND!" Jacob bellowed, now at Bret's side. He was fanning him and brushing back his golden strands that were now darkened with the sweat of a woman about to give birth.

"Oh right…BRET IS HAVING THE BABY DADDY! AND I'M THE BABY'S DADDY! WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET HIM TO THE HOSPITAL! YOU NEED TO COME!" Edward flailed around as R. Kelly hummed some soulful, yet urgent, background music.

"Damn right I need to come," Carlisle groaned with frusturation. "This is all I wanted from the beginning of this whole chapter. GODDAMNIT, EDWARD. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS! YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING!"

Esme's reassuring coos could be heard through the phone as she tried desperately to attempt to revive the fainted, tiny doctor.

"What's mommy saying, daddy?" Edward asked naively. "She sounds… sad… like something she wanted very much was lost."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BONER KILLING MEATWAD!" Carlisle screamed. "GODDAMNIT! WHY DID I DECIDE TO VAMPIRE-IZE THE DULL CRAYON WHEN I COULD HAVE HAD THE NEW BOX?"

Edward looked at the phone with shock. Even more tears began to well in his eyes as he started shaking. "I'm not a dull crayon, father," he said, sniffling. "I am a boy. A human. Or I was, until you promised my mother that you'd save me from that disease I had when I was about to die way back in the day. Now I'm a vampire, but no less un-crayon-y!"

"Shut your mouth, boy. Just… shut your mouth. STOP TRYING TO OPEN IT AGAIN!" Carlisle screamed, just as Edward went to speak once more. He paused then spoke, calmer this time. "Give the phone to Jacob. The son I should have had. The son I wanted to have. The intelligent son. The son I'd be proud of. Beyond Emmit. He's the coolest. But Jacob would be a good other proud son. Give him the phone."

Everyone exchanged nervous glances across the room as Edward looked at the phone, mouth shut. He nodded solemnly, realizing that this was something he was going to have to do, for the sake of the baby which Bret Michaels was only mere pushes away from delivering. He took a deep breath through his nose, as his mouth was still shut, and walked over to Jacob, handing him the telephone.

"Carlisle," Jacob answered the phone like a man who's wife was about to give birth. If he was sporting a mullet he would be sporting the buisness aspect of it.

"Jacob. How are you my dear boy?" Carlisle chuckled into the phone exponentionally merrier than seconds before.

"I'd be better if my love were in the proper hands of a doctor. I sure hope you could make the trip."

"Unfortunately, I would not get there on time. For, there was an acciedent on 95 and cars are backed up for miles. There's only so much a vampire with superhuman speed that could run to Tennesse instead of drive could do."

"Oh Shit. Shit. Shit!" R. Kelly was the first to react the sheer direness of the current situation.

"You'll need to deliver the baby on your own. I know you can do it! You graduated highschool with high honors…unlike someone else in the room!" if this was a video phone one could've seen the daggers that were Carlisle's voice. "I can't help you any further, for the mission would be compromised. This message will self destruct in five-four-" he used the old candy wrapper crumpled into the phone trick before hanging up.

"!" Jacob screamed to the heavens for a surprising long time, for he went without breath for a good minute in a half, but I suppose stressful situations give one that ability.

"I guess we'll just have to deliver the baby ourselves!" Edward placed his hands on his hips purposefully. "NOW! We'll need a knife, pot, bowl of soup, and some pretzels."

"Don't forget the rainjackets!" Bret added, coming out of his labour distress for a moment.

"Gentlemen," I interrupted for the first time. As much as I hated Bret there was no need to kill a baby over the situation. Or if not kill at least mame horribly for the rest of his or her days. "We do still have time to call the parametics. Let the professionals deliever the baby!"

"Professionals?" Edward questioned sarcastically. "Are you trying to say we're not professional? Why, I'm wearing gloves!" Edward help up his hands to sport a pair of winter mittens he had somehow got his hands on…literally. "All professionals wear gloves, AND in classic syllogism form if all professionals wear gloves and I'm wearing glovers, then I'm a professional!"

"Edward…" I held my head in my hands, taking calming breaths as I tried to deal with the overwhelming stupidity which was filling my life. "Edward, those are mittens. Not gloves. Gloves have fingers."

"Oh! Think you're so clever, do you!" Edward laughed hartily as he pulled the top of the mittens off, revealing his fingers. "Who's face is red now, Bella?"

"Is it Bella's?" Brett asked, as he paused his screams once again to join the conversation.

"IS IT EVER!" Edward exclaimed gleefully. "You're so smart, Bret! You're like Alex Trebek on Jeopardy. He knows all the questions to the answers! I think he might even know the answers, but I'm not sure if they give him those or if the screen has them."

"I think he has them with him in his little stack of index cards," Jacob said, nodding in agreement with himself.

"Aren't you supposed to be trying to deliver a baby?" I asked, trying to steer away from the topic of night time game shows. "If you want to do this right, you're going to need boiling water, towels and tongs. Not… soup or whatever el-"

"God, Bella. You're so dumb! When was the last time you had any sort of baby giving experience? You don't know anything about this! You don't have the mothering instinct that we do!" Edward gave me a look to express his feelings about my lack of intelligence.

He was right once again. He was clearly the superior being here and I was but an idiotic human. My mind could only comprehend so much, and even that was nothing in comparison to his huge vampire brain. Even his medulla oblongata could trump all of my anatomy in terms of superiority.

"I HAVE THE RAIN COATS!" John Guevernmont announced, holding up several yellow rain slickers. "And Ernie is coming on down with the soup. Let's get this party started! Why, it reminds me of the time when I gave birth to my youngest son who cries every day when he goes to school!"

"FABULOUS!" Edward clapped his mittened hands together, ready to start the show. "Let's get Bret to the bathroom! That seems like the right place to give birth, right?"

"I concur!" Jacob and Edward both lifted Bret carefully only to place him in the large twinky shaped bathtub.

"Okay, if memory serves me correctly, we have to make sure Bret is properly dialated."

"How do we do that?" Jacob looked panic striken as Bret heaved and huffed in a way only a woman in labour could do.

"You have to measure his cervix…although," I stared off towards the heavens to ponder outloud. "Considering that he has a penis I don't know how it would work."

"Please!" Edward scoffed. "If it had to do with the cervix it would be called cervixing…or something of that matter. "We have to give Bret dials, but, how?" Edward sat on the base of the bathtub deep in thought for a few minutes before popping up and springing towards the kitchen.

"JACOB QUICK!" Edward called Jacob from the kitchen. "We need to rip the dials off this stove so we can dialate Bret!"

"GENIUS!" Jacob yelled as he jumped to his feet, becoming a wearwolf and ripping the dials off with his large, wolf-y teeth. He picked the dials up carefully in his mouth and brought them over to Bret, wagging his tail like a puppy bringing slippers to its owner.

"Good boy! Good Jake-y!" Edward rewarded, scratching Jacob behind his ears as the wolf turned back into a man. "What a good puppy you are. Yes you are! Yes you are!"

The two of them began working quickly to put dials on Bret. They struggled for a while, trying the best methods to get the dials to stick, but after the failure of play-dough, the denture cream and the rubber cement, they found that peanut butter worked best. Especially under Bret's arms.

"We've got him dialated!" Edward said proudly as he placed the last of the dials on Bret's left nipple. "Now what do we do?"

"I know that pushing is involved somewhere," Jacob said, scratching his chin. "But I think that's after the baby is out of his stomach. And there are section C's which we might have to fill out. You know, like in taxes? Do you have a blue or black pen?"

"I have a number two pencil… I thought… if there were any forms that needed out filling, I'd be covered…" Edward looked disappointed in himself. Forlorn, as it were. "I feel so unprepared…"

"That reminds me of the time when I failed to cure the hiccups of one of my classmates during class! Did you know that I can cure hiccups? Just think of my grandfather. It always works. Except for that one time." John nodded and smiled to himself. "Always works…"

"I'm glad you know my pain," Edward replied. "But… the baby. The baby is more important right now that my pain. We need to deliver it!"


	25. Fitty cent minus half.

The panting began to fill the room as Bret went deeper into his labor.

"BREATHE!" Edward yelled, cazily. "GOD, MAN! WE'RE LOSING HIM!"

"I am breathing," Bret said. "That's what the panting is. I'm breathing quite a lot. This is some quality breathing. Award winning breathing, even! Why, if my breathing was a president, it would be Abraham Lincoln!"

"That's some good breathing," Jacob nodded. "Good. Breathing." He nodded again, slower this time. You could tell he was a connoisseur of the breathing art.

"Wait" beat "wait" beat "wait" R. Kelly's soulful voice filled the air once more. "Who's the daddy of the midget midget midget…"

The two men I loved most paused and looked at each other, eyeing the other sceptically. "I am," they both said at once.

"YOU!" Edward screamed, pointing at Jacob.

"IT IS I!" Jacob replied in the same manner as before. He paused, as though a thought were hitting him. "Oh my gawd! I'm gonna be a daddy!" He jumped around, giddily. "Ohmygawdohmygawd!" He began getting more nervous. "Oh what to do! What can be done! Oh worry! Oh fear!"

Whatever it was that Jacob was doing, I wasn't sure if I condoned it. He seemed to be dancing around in some sort of interpretative art performance. As though trying to harvest each of his feelings into one sleek movement. It wasn't working.

"Now is not the time to worry!" Edward embraced Jacob as if he was trying to stop his emotions from pouring out through the vehical of dance. "We need to move on to the next step of the delivery!" for once Edward was making some sort of sense.

"You need to engage the baby so it will go to the pelvis," I squinched my eyebrows together still trying to figure out how the baby would come from Bret's little rockstar. I knew that baby's could squish, but not that much. NOT THAT MUCH!

"ENGAGE THE BABY YOU SAY!" Edward pointed a fervent finger to the ceiling. "Why I know the art of proposal! I just did mere months ago. First! I must ask for the father's permission, which is me. Edward?" he conversed with himself. "Yes Edward? May I marry your soon the be born spawn? WHY OF COURSE MI BOY!" he patted himself on the back. "I couldn't think of a better son!"

"Perfect!" Jacob clapped with delight. I, on the other hand, buried my face further into my hands. It wasn't everyday that one lost brain cells from simply being near stupid people. "Now we just need a ring!"

"Here!" John slipped off his gold and pewter wedding band. "This is of little meaning to me, considering I basically cheat on my wife with a new girl every few years. Not that we have sex…that would be highly illegal, and I am catholic after all."

"GREAT!" Edward snatched the ring and was down on one knee in one movement. "Spawn of Brett," he began with a nervous lilt in his voice. "I know you haven't met me yet ,but I truly am a good man."

"OH DEAR GOD!" I screamed, the ridiculousness of the situation trying my last nerve.

"BELLA! Now is not the time for praying! We pray at the wedding ceremony! Now, dear Spawn," he began again. "Would you marry me!" he held the ring towards Bret's nether regions as if the babies tiny hand would grab it.

"OH GOD!" Bret screamed, shaking the walls around him. "IT'S COMING!"

"Wow!" Edward looked quite pleased with himself. "I know I'm a charmer, but I must be getting better with age. Like a fine wine I'm becoming more and more irresistible!"

"Edward, you knew from the beginning of our being together that you were irresistible. Why else do you think I married you? It's clearly not because of your mind or your abilities in the bedroom," I said blandly.

"You know nothing, woman. Get back in the kitchen and go… iron something," Edward scoffed, ignoring, for the moment, the fact that Bret was screaming louder than a twelve year old girl meeting the Jonas Brothers for the first time. He turned back to his weave-clad rocker, remembering the task at hand. "Oh! Rigth! Breathe!" he said.

Bret breathed. Bret breathed many times, in fact. He was becoming a champion in the ways of breathing while in labour.

"He has to push too!" Jacob remembered. "I saw that on a documentary once! There was this fat woman but then there were eight kids and then her husband cheated on her. It was a hit tv show for a while. I think it's died down though."

"Oh right!" Edward nodded in agreement, grabbing a bunch of bricks. "Here, love, push these! You can push them in whichever direction you want."

Bret looked sceptically at the bricks before him, unsure of what to do.

"Perhaps these are too much…" Jacob searched around in his bag, pulling out a toy car. "This is a lot easier to push. And you can make racecar noises while doing it! You know… like… 'vroom' and stuff!"

Bret took the car and pushed with all his pregnant might, driving it around on the floor as his contracting stomach began to contract more frequently and with greater force.

A large scream erupted from Bret, and then a foreign sound. A sound that was not the wailing of a baby being stripped from the confines of a womb. It was a sound that was most deadly. Deadly to the ears, and unfortunately to me, who was sitting by Bret's penis/vagina, deadly to the nose.

"OH DEAR LORD JESUS IN HEAVEN!" I screamed plugging my nose, struggling to get as far away from the scent that enveloped me as the loudest fart in the universe finished it symphony.

"Hmmm. Now would be a god time for Praying I suppose," Edward quipped, his breathing powers in the off position.

"Where's the baby? We dailated, engaged, Bret breathed. What else do we need to do?" Jacob looked concerned, confused, and disappointed all in one facial expression.

"IT WASN'T BABY!" revealed what had just happened. "DEFINTELY NOT A BABY! JUST A LITTLE CRAZY! BUT HE JUST BLEW A LARGE CHEESY TOASTY…Toasty…toasty!"

"YOU!" I screamed, pointing my finger in an Edward-like manner. Finally being able to reclaim my wits, I discovered where I had smelled a fart like Bret's before.

"Yes hunny!" Edward pet my head patronizingly, "That's Bret Michaels. I know this has taken you a long time, but I know, he's a huge star. Try to act normal though. He hates it when girls croon over him."

"NO!" I screamed flailing about manically. "IT'S NOT BRET MICHAELS AT ALL!"

"Bella… you crazy. You so crazy!" Edward chortled. "Who do you think it is? The artist formally known as unpronounceable symbol formally known and now known again as Prince?"

"I wish," I sighed slightly, regretting the decision moments after for it forced me to take in another lungful of air. "It's the man. From the airplane. With…" I paused for dramatic effect. The room went silent. It felt good to have all eyes on me for a change, instead of on someone else who was not the lead character of the story. "The burritos!" I finished dramatically. If the moment were being filmed, there would be a supreme close up on my face after the statement had been finished.

Everyone held their breath. I wasn't sure if it was because they were processing the truth or if they didn't want to take in the odour which was still emanating from the rear end of Bret Michales.

"It…." Edward looked horrified as he glanced towards Bret and his weave. "It can't be…"

"It can be," Bret replied, hanging his head in shame, although the hanging lasted only for a short moment as he realized this brought him closer to the stench. "I… I'm sorry Edward. I had to hide my thoughts from you. My true self. I knew you would be able to accept me for the monster I am, if only given the chance to see my outer self first…"

"That makes no sense!" I said. "What is that even supposed to mean! And why do you eat things that give you the runs anyway? You're diabetic!"

"I'm what?" Bret asked, clearly confused over my proper pronunciation of the disease.

"Dee-a-bee-tuc," Jacob explained, speaking for the first time since the incident. "I can't believe this…" he looked uncomfortable. But not with the uncomfort of someone who'd just experienced a gassious attack, but rather the uncomfort of a teenage boy who gets too excited when delivering a presentation infront of class while wearing tight pants.

"I… I just… I imprinted on that fart."


	26. Honkey Tonk Badonk A Donk

"You what?" everyone shouted, casting confused and surprised eyes at Jacob.

"I imprinted on the fart, guys..." he paused then held his hands to his cheek, sighing dreamily. "It was the most... beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. I... I cannot describe in words how gorgeous and perfect it was. I wish to be with it forever..."

"Jacob..." I wasn't sure how to break the news to my best friend. Jake had helped me heal the metaphorical hole in my heart when Edward had decided to be over dramatic again and left me. I wasn't sure if I would be able to heal the hole in his heart when and if I told him that the fart was gone forever and the world was better off for it. I bit my lip.

"Bella?" Edward asked, breaking me of my thought provoked lip biting.

"Yes?"

"Why do you always do that?" he asked.

"Do what?"

"Bite your lip like that," he waved his hands around generally. "I mean... you do it all the time. Do you think it makes you look attractive or something? Are you trying to avoid spending money on lip injections by plumping it through physical torture?"

"I don't do it all the time..." I argued.

"You kind of do," Bret Michales said. "I mean... every two seconds it's like you're biting your lip over here. Biting your lip over there. You're always biting your lip! You're crazy!"

"I am NOT crazy!" I said exasperatedly. "I'm not the one in love with a fart here! I'm the only sane one in this whole conglomerate of crazy!"

"HEY!" Jacob pointed an accusatory and angry finger in my direction. "WHAT Farterella and I have is beautiful, and if it's crazy than I don't want to be right!"

"Farterella?" Edward questioned

"Well I figured it needed some sort of name. I mean... everyone farts. I need to be able to distinguish her from the rest."

"Good thinking!" Edward quipped. "I think it's a beautiful name. It really captures her essence."

"I once had a fart," John broke into the conversation, dreamy eyes cast on the shower wall. "I was told it was smelled like Sex and Candy. I turned it into an award winning song you know... "Sex and Candy"."

"WE'RE TALKING ABOUT FARTS!" I screamed, not fully understanding how this kind of thing kept happening. Things were so normal in Forks with all its mythical residents and the vampires that kept trying to hunt me down.

"Dumb," was all Edward replied with a disappointed head shake. "Dumb."

"AND FURTHERMORE!" I ignored Edward's attack on my intelligence. "YOU DID NOT WRITE SEX AND CANDY! THAT IS A SONG BY A MAN CALLED MARCY PLAYGROUND!"

"WOW! That is such a COOL name! I wanna be Edward Playground! I mean Cullen...it's so bland! CULL-EN!" he accentuated the syllables. "It's so blah. I mean whatever British man came up with this surname was a boring man, but Playground! That's creativity! I wonder what ethnicity it's from."

Before I could waste my precious breaths trying to explain to Edward that it was simply a made up name, a knock came at the door.

"OH A VISITOR!" Edward's excitement climaxed as he punched the air with enthusiasm. "OH JOY! OH GLEE! A VISTOR FOR ME! I SHALL GET THE DOOR AND INVITE THEM IN! THEN I WILL TELL THEM A STORY ABOUT RIN TIN TIN!" he skipped to door reciting this odd little poem I could only assume was made up.

Just as Edward reached the door, holding the doorknob in his hand, about to turn it, it opened without his turning the doorknob that he was holding in his hand at the door he reached. Much to everyone's surprise, the volturi waltzed in in perfectly syncronized steps which would make John Guevernmont either proud or aroused were he paying attention.

"IT'S YOU!" Edward pointed at them, gasping in shock. "YOU ARE NOT INVITED IN! AND NO STORY OF RIN TIN TIN!"

"No matter," The volturi shrugged in unison. "We have come because you have done something... naughty." The volturi turned quickly, staring harshly at Bret. "FATHERING A NON-VAMPIRE!"

"Oh, that?" Edward laughed, flapping his wrist limply. "Yeah, well... you know how I can be sometimes. I'm just a naughty boy," he began sucking on one of his fingers in what I can only assume was an attempt at being coy or sexy. Considering his age of a ripe one hundred and nine years, it came out as merely disturbing. "Perhaps I should be punished?"

"What?" The volturi spat. "That's gross. No."

"Fiddlesticks!" Edward kicked the ground, pouting.

"What you must do is VAMPIREIZE THAT FART," the volturi yelled forcefully, causing Edward to pause in his ground kicking. He gazed at them with wide, fearful eyes.

"NO!" Jacob yelled. "I WON'T LET YOU DO THAT!" He coughed a few times, trying to turn into the large bear-wolf which was part of his DNA. I was afraid of what would happen if he did change. I wasn't sure the room could take much more damage. Fortunately, he wasn't able to switch and just glared instead.

"I love that fart," he growled. "There is nothing more beautiful in my world. I'm not going to let you turn it into the thing I hate most!"

"Oh you're so silly," Edward said. "They're not going to turn the fart into carrots."

"Can we hold up for a minute?" I stepped in between the Volturi and Edward. "We all realize we're talking about a fart. You know...a fart. I know none of you have eaten in sometime, but I'm sure you remember the joy of passing gas. You know, gas. GAS. It's there and all, but you can't really touch it and it's invisible and such. GAS! The substance that has really loose atoms. GAS! It's smelly, but it passes. You know... that's why they call it PASSING GAS! Because you pass it out of your butt and the it smells and then it leaves. It's the nature of Gas. GAS! It's there, and then it's gone!" I huffed in a few lungfuls of air, my rant leaving me tired and exasperated. I thought the Volturi were supposed to be smart.

"Gone?" Jacob was the first to break the shocked silence. "As in no longer here?"

"That is the definition of gone," John agreed. "I would know this stuff," he elbow nudged the closest Volturi to him. "I'm an English teacher you know. It's probably the most challenging job in the universe!"

"Even more challenging than running an entire Vampire nation that stretches across the globe?" the Volturi were clearly unimpressed with John's minimal life accomplishments. I knew they were secret world leaders for a reason.

"I'd say so. You don't know how scary menstrual teenager girls are. All those raging hormones, and those sexual urges, and their needing a strong and learned man to Catch them in the Rye..." John trailed off, fanning himself with a toilet bowl brush.

"GONE?" Jacob asked again this time his face streaked with the tears of a man who was going to terms with the fact that the fart he loved had left the world forever. "HOW? WHAT? WHO? WHEN? WHERE? WHY?...WHY SHE GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT!" he screamed falling to his knees, weak with sobs.

"Jacob..." I tried to put a comforting hand on his shoulder but it was knocked away.

"I'm not a wearwolf, Bella... I'm a disgrace..." he cried. "I couldn't even protect the one I imprinted on! I'm worse than Sam! And he physically abused and caused scars to his girlfriend who I can't remember the name of right now but she made really good blueberry muffins!" He began sobbing openly, much like Edward was prone to doing. "I bet those blueberry muffins would have made Farterella really strong... She would have loved those muffins..." He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes but they were flowing far to quickly.

". . .This man is a wearwolf?" The Volturi asked, slightly confused. They turned to Edward and glared. "Why isn't he eaten yet? Or... blood sucked yet? Dead? Whatever it is that we do?"

Edward shrugged, pointing to me and spinning his other finger around one of his ears to indicate that I was crazy. "She's crazy," he stated. "You know... She thinks that his existance keeps holes in her filled up. I think it's because she's allergic and is having some sort of infection or something that's clogging them... I mean... she's always got the sniffles and complains about not being able to breathe... and her ears must be filled with wax because she never listens to how smart I am... and I don't even want to get started on the yeast infection..."

The Volturi nodded, obviously appeased by this explination. "Fair enough," they said, nodding once more. "But that's not the point. The point is... you need to vampireize your baby. We can't have more baby-vamp-wanna-be-s running around. It's just uncouth. And annoying. And there's only so many we can convert when they're older. But having perpetually teenage vampires is the biggest pain in the ass... Always going through puberty and always having their voices crack..."

"What the heck are you talking about!" I asked. "Do you not understand that this is a FART you're talking about?" I took a deep breath, preparing to give my fart lecture again.

"You're crazy, we're going to ignore you," they said firmly, not knowing that I was used to being ignored. I stomped my foot in anger, not going to stand for this any longer. I may be ignored by every single person in this room, but I still had words!

"FART!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT A CHEESE TOASTY. BEAN BOMBERS! BUTT MUTTS! CRUNCHY FROGS! ESSENCE OF EMRIL! MORNING THUNDER! PANTS GEESE!"

"BELLA!" Jacob said sternly, glaring at me from behind his tear filled eyes. "How could you ever call Farterella such fowl names! She is a goddess among men! A perfect angel! My love and my life! I will not stand for such slander on her name!"

"It's a good thing you're sitting..." Edward noted.

"I know, right?" Jacob nodded, grinning at him. "I always come prepared for such situations."

"Enough of this!" the Volturi help up their hands, commanding silence. "You need to turn your fart into a Vampire baby by a years time or else!"

"Or else what?" Edward threw his hands on his hips in defiance of the perfectly coordinated "man."

"OR ELSE!" they screamed as if flames were to burst up around them. "We will do something horrible to you and your family!"

"OH NO!" Edward ran to cower under our heart shaped bed. "You're going to castrate us?"

"WORSE!" they screamed, while I wondered what could possibly be worse(besides death that is). "We're going to cut your toe nails so short that it hurts to walk!"

"OH GOD NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Edward began to cry with the thoughts of what could happen if he didn't vampierize the unattainable fart.

"A years time," was all that was said before they vanished, which was strange because vampires didn't have magical powers.

"Well there's only one thing we can do!" Jacob was the first to regain composure.

"I sure hope it involved a mental hospital," I muttered.

"Well we might cross one in our paths, whether or not it will be involved, we will have to see," Jacob replied quite logically even though he didn't get my implication. "We have to take it to the streets! TAKE IT TO THE STREETS TWO, ELECTRIC BOOG-A-LOO!"


	27. Can You Tell Me How To Get, How To Get to Sesame Street?

I wasn't too sure how I came to be in the situation which I now found myself in. Edward, Jacob, John Guevernmont, R. Kelly and I (Bret, having just given birth, was forced to remain in the hotel) were all now walking the streets of the large and prosperous city of Memphis Tennessee. I tried my best to blend in with the crowd, which was definately not what my companions were trying to do.

"Hey! These Hammer pants were a great idea!" Jacob said to Edward. "I feel like we really blend in with the people of the streets!"

"I know, right?" Edward looked proud of himself as he adjusted his bright day-glow yellow and blue shirt. "I'm so glad I decided to watch MTV that time!"

"When exactly was this time?" I asked.

"The nineties, of course!" He chortled. "Gosh Bella... can't you tell by our hip threads?"

I shrugged. It did make sense, judging by their clearly '90's era clothing. I wasn't sure how Edward thought this related to the streets as they were now, but he looked so proud of himself, I didn't really want to burst his phat bubble.

"By the way!" John Guevernmont said, throwing his hands behind his back. "Did you know that I invented the streets? It was a social experiment back in the day. I'm so brilliant, you know."

"Oh gee!" I said with mock enthusam. "How extraordinary! You really are in a class all your own, aren't you?"

"What? No. You're dumb. I'm a teacher so I have many people in my class. If I was all alone, I wouldn't be teaching anyone," he replied, clearly not seeing my sarcasm. "Who's rye would I be catching then? Hmm?"

I declined to answer, shaking my head in frusturation. It had only been a few days since my wedding and I never imagined life as a wife to be so bizarre. I was hoping for a week filled with mind blowing orgasms and Elvis. Not a week filled with farting, viagra and soulful music by the R and B singer .

"HEY!" Edward snapped his fingers in realization. "Maybe John could cure your yeast infection. Rye can be used to make bread, and if he catches rye he must know a thing or two about yeast!"

"I'd like to keep my infection thank you," I decided to play along. It seemed easier even if it got me stuck with a bunch of men that looked like MC Hammer's back up dancers.

"Look at what these pants are great for!" Jacob turned the attention away from my yeast and towards his badly dancing body. He was going down the street dancing in the MC crab walk thing that he does in the 'Can't Touch This Video.'

"WOW!" Edward jumped in shock and excitement. "THAT'S GREAT! I knew these pants were a great purchase. I just bought them for the consederable leg room. I mean Jakey boy and I have a lot of rippling muscles to worry about. But now! NOW I see the true awesomeness of these pants. Let's all walk like that all the time!" with that said him and Jacob crabwalked the next ten blocks before they smashed into each other in shock.

"Is that?" Jacob breathed.

"Yes kids!" A man with a nasal Rhode Island accent answered for Jacob. "It's me Alan Shawn Fienstein." he took each of hands and shook it only like a local philanthropist could.

"OHMYGOD!OHMYGOD!OHMYGOD!" Edward and Jacob held each others hand and danced around in circles. Apparently this man was of some importance to them.

"Uhh...who are you?"

"GOD BELLA!" Edward yelled in embarressment. "HE'S ONLY THE BEST GOOD DEED DOER ON THE PLANET! Why, in fact, he's always feeding the hungry of Rhood I-land!" he pronounced the small state much like his tweed jacket clad hero.

Alan Shawn help up a modest hand, "Now, now. I don't like to brag!"

"Oh but Mr. Fientsein!" Edward took both of Alan's hand in his own as if he were a saint. "You have no need to be famous! You taught me that we're all a family under one sky. A FAMILY UNDER ONE SKY!" with this Edward took his hands off Alan and did the cheesy sign language cues that went along with the song.

"We're people!" Jacob joined in.

"We're animals!" John also added his voice to the song.

"We're... rocks?" I tried to join in when everyone was gazing at me to continue the song. They all glared as I obviously got the lyric wrong. "Sorry..." I said sheepishly.

"Please excuse her," Edward said to Alan Shawn Feinstein. "She's not a Junior Scholar..."

Alan Shawn Fienstein looked at me in horror, backing up slowly. "W...what...?"

"It's okay!" Edward tried to reassure the Rhode Island resident. "She's crazy... it's okay! Anyway... we... Mr. Fienstein... we need your help."

"Do yous need me to do yous a good deed? How bout a high five or a hug?"

"Oh a hug!" Edward bounced on his toes gleefully before sobering. "No... Mr. Fienstein... I'm afraid what we need is help in finding Farterella."

Alan Shawn Feinstein looked pensive for a moment, gazing over all of us in turn. "Edwahd," he said after the pause. "I need you to does me a favoa. You needs to make dis girl a juniah scholah. Then she can geet one of mai special baseball chards. It holds da key to da fhat."

"Right!" Edward snapped his fingers in realization. "That makes perfect sense! I wish I hadn't left mine back in Forks..."

"Me too," Jacob sighed. "But if we can get Bella to fill out the good deed book... then we can get the card and find Farterella, right?"

"Right!" Edward said as he took the handbook that was being held out to him by the old Jewish man. "Bella, this is for you! You have to fill it with your good deeds so then we can meet the Feinstein Singers and learn all the neat songs and then you can get a junior scholar card and then we can get the special baseball card and find Farterella! Ella ella hey hey hey..."

I looked at the book being handed to me. It appeared to be a work book in which I was supposed to write down different good deeds that I had done throughout the day and how I felt about doing the good deeds. It also gave me special instructions and inspirational statements made by the man standing before us. Apparently, he was very proud of me and was glad that I was helping to make the world a better place. I felt... oddly at ease, holding the book. Like I was going to change everything for the better and make this place a happy one to be in.

"She's got the look in her eye," Jacob said, smiling at me warmly. "She's realizing what it means to be a Feinstein Junior Scholar."

"I remember my first time..." Edward gazed off into the distance. "You never really forget, do you?"

"Good luck youngstahs!" with that Alan Shawn Fientsien vanished, as if he never really even existed.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE JUST MET ALAN SHAWN FIENSTEIN!" Jacob squealed and fanned his face with his hands.

"Tell me about it!" Edward giggled like a school girl. "I'm all giddly like a teenage girl who just walked in on the foot ball team showering!"

"OH MAN!" Jacob joined Edward in his simile. "That would be so hot for a teenage girl. All those buff bodies sweaty from practice."

"Oh yeah! It'd definitely have to be after practice. What's the use of seeing a buff body if its not all sweaty. I mean isn't that why sex occurs in the nude."

I cocked an eyebrow at this conversation. It might have won as the weirdest of them yet.

"You don't have to be nude to be having sex," I explained, knowing that it didn't matter in the least bit. "You can be in various states of dressed and it still works basically the same."

"That's nonsense I say!" Edward flipped his wrist in my direction. "Why in the Titanic they had sex naked, and everyone with half a brain knows that the Titanic is the canon on how sex should be had."

"So true!" Jacob nodded in agreement. "I can't tell you how many times I've watched to movie in order to prepare for the big day. Why I've spend so much time practicing the steamy hand on window slide that all the windows on my house are imbedded with hand prints!"

"Wow!" John Guevermont gaped. "That's devotion."

"What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic."

"Hmm," I thought aloud, "But if farterella is gas and steam, also gas, is present in your love making bliss, how can you be sure you're not really smacking Farterella when you push you hand against the steam ridden window?"

The four men stood pondering this thought. Hands stroking chins, they all weighed the options of the possible implications of this act.

"Well," Edward was the first to speak. "I guess that would make you a wife beater."

"Gee," Jacob scratched his head. "But I don't have any of those ribbed white man tanks. Isn't it required to have one of those if you're going to be a wife beater. I couldn't possible be abusive without one of those. But perhaps I'll have to modify the situation a bit. Improve upon the sex situation I've learned about. Kind of like when a Renaissance artist teaches another and the other surpasses the artist making him not want to paint again. I'd be like that!"

"HEY!" Edward came to another realization. "Bell you just helped Jacob, by informing him of this possible bad outcome to steamy sex with Farterella! That reeks of good deed doing! You better put it in the book!"

"I don' think th-"

"OF COURSE THAT'S A GOOD DEED!" Jacob exclaimed, why anything can be a good deed. Once, I did a good deed just by making sure to flush the toilet after I used it.

"Uh...fine," I thought it better to just comply than to aruge. I opened the first page of the book. The page was set up so I had to draw my good deed and then write about it. I took pen to hand and began to create my artistic interpretation of my deed.

"What is that?" Edward asked, once I had finished filling out the page.

"I think it's a coconut crab..." Jacob said, squinting at my picture. "Good job, Bella. That's a very nice crab."

I sighed. "It's a drawing of me telling you about Farterella..." I said, kind of embarrassed for my artistic abilities. "I... I tried really hard..."

"We could tell," John Guevernmont said as he tapped his foot impatiently. "It's been nearly eleven minutes since you started! We have to get the good deeds done so we can get the fart."

"Right!" Edward said, clicking his tongue. "We need to get going on this! I'm sure there are people out there who could sure use some smiles right about now! Come on, Bella, let's get going!"


	28. This situation is gonna be indescribable you can't even describe the situation that you're about to get into the situation

After helping Jacob to discover the problematic issues which could result from his sexual moves on Farterella, I felt empowered. I felt as though I was a junior scholar, ready to take on the world of unhappiness and Rhode Island. I clutched my good deed book tightly to my chest, holding it to me like a sacred child onto this world. If it were a child, I would name it Charlisle. Which would be a mixing of Charlie and Carlisle. My two fathers.

"We need to find another place to do a good deed," Edward said as he and Jacob crab walked down the streets. "There has to be someone in need of help somewhere…"

"Couldn't she just flush the toilet after using it?" Jacob asked. "I did that as a good deed once, remember?"

"I don't have to pee though…" I replied, feeling slightly dejected. Oh, how I wished there were someone I could help in this Elvis loving town! Going so long without doing a good deed was starting to make my spirits wan. What if I wasn't a junior scholar after all? What if I was just… just a fake…? I clutched my book tighter, hoping to the mighty Alan Shawn Feinstein that this wasn't true.

Just then, as if divine intervention had struck, a loud bass thumping could be heard approaching.

"HARK!" Edward pointed towards the direction in which the loud vibrations were coming from. "A VISITOR APPROCHETH!"

"MAYBE HE WILL NEEDEST A GOOD DEED!" Jacob screamed, now staring down the street in the direction of Edward's point.

As the music got closer, one could make out the harmonies and melodies that went along with the bass. Sleeping With an Angel by The Real McCoy was what was blasting towards us.

"OMG!" Edward let out a shrill squeal. "I LOVE THAT SONG!" he began to dance and sing along. "Sleepin' with an angel. Neva thought I could. Sleepin with an angel, neva felt so good. Bella," he turned to me and held out a hand. "Whenever you're sleeping and I'm awake, which is always because vampires don't sleep. Because I'm a MONSTER BELLA! A MONSTER! As if you cou-"

"Yeah, yeah. As if I could out run you and so forth."

"OH I ISEE!" Edward buried his face into his hands. "I'm so…so PREDICTABLE!"

Sobbing was heard, only this time, for once it wasn't coming from Edward's vocal cords. It was coming from the man who approached with boom box in hand.

"I think his head is on fire," Jacob squinched his eyes to get a better look at the man who is far off in the distance.

"No, no, no." Edward flipped his wrist. "He's simply an anime character. They all have hair that seems to defy the laws of gravity."

"I…" the mysterious anime character began to speak through heavy sobs. "I…" he came close to us before collapsing in a heap of sobs. "I lost the situation!" he screamed, fist pumping towards the heavens.

"Oh no!" Edward crab walked over to the man, putting a helpful hand on his not outlined nor animated shoulder. "What seems to be the situation here, my rea McCoy loving friend?"

"I am!" the man wept.

"No…" Edward paused. "I mean to say… what is the situation here?"

"Me!" the man fist pumped once more, the tears raining down his cheeks like only a man who had a dire situation could rain.

"Sir…" Edward put his hand to his chin, scratching it as he pondered his next sentence. "What I mean… what is causing the situation currently happening? With the weeping and the… fist… thing?"

"ME!" the man exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "God, man!"

Edward chortoled to himself. "I am no god, my friend," he replied modestly. "While I may have the body of a god… It is only part of what is used to lure in my prey. MY FACE. MY VOICE. MY SCENT. EVERYTHING ABOUT ME LURES YOU IN BELLA I'M DANGEROUS STAY AWAY!" he turned to me as he yelled.

I rolled my eyes, trying to bring him back to the situation at hand. "Edward," I said. "The situation?"

"Yes?" the man replied, looking up expectantly.

"I want to know the situation," I explained.

"Oh!" he stood, holding his boom box in front of his stomach. "Hello there!"

"Hi…?"

"Well!" he said, clearly looking proud of himself. "Now you know!"

"No!" I said, shaking my head. "No! I have no idea what the situation is!"

"Are all you bros dumb?" the spiky haired man sighed, adjusting his boom box so he could fist pound if need be. "I…" he paused, composing himself as though he were about to fall into another fit of weeping. "I wish I could show you The Situation… but that's the situation. The Situation is missing from The Situation. That's the situation."

Everyone stared at the man, mouths agape as though we were large mouthed bass, awaiting the wiggly worm on the hook. That. Sentence. Happened.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jacob was the first to catch on. "Don't you see? His name is The Situation. Whatever is gone is called The Situation, and we're wanting to know what the situation is as in what the issue is!"

"Wait," Edward held up his hands in the time out gesuture. "So his name is the issue?"

"No. It's The Situation," Jacob explained again.

"So what is the name of whatever is missing."

"The situation."

Edward screwed his face up in confusion, then, feeling as if it was no longer worth his brain function he shrugged it off.

"So kind sir. Tell us about The Situation."

"Well," he began, searching the confines of his brains for the right words. "I'm lookin' fo' the right chick, ya know how that is. I like long walks on da beach. Clubbin' is my life. All my friends and I have the same haircut. We go out to the da clubs for Jagga Bombs," he repeated Jagga bombs several times, pointing in different directions as the camera angles changed. "And if girls don't notice me," he did that chopped head of motion with his hand. "Fuckin' skanks. I like getting my swell on at the gym. It's wat I do wen I'm not clubbin."

"OH MY GOD!" I slammed my face into my hands. "Tell us the problem!" I screamed. "You really need to broaden your vocabulary."

"Bella!" Edward gasped, his eyes wide as if I had just thrown a vibrator at his head. "That was not a good deed. THAT WAS A BAD DEED!"

"Well the suggesting he broaden his vocab is a good one," Jacob rationalized.

"True. Bella! Write that and draw that in your little book there. Now sir," he turned back towards The Situation. "What seems to be ailing you?"

"I woke up dis mornin' and dey were gone!" he sniffled, tears began to form at his ducts.

"What were gone?" Edward coaxed, trying to find out what it was that was The Situation's situation.

"The Situation!" the guido wept. "I can't ask de ladies if dey seen da Situation! It ain't dere!" He held up the boom box, revealing an ab-less stomach. We all gasped in realization. We were just hit by The Situation's situation being the lack of The Situation.

"Guys…" Jacob turned to our motley crew, looking sympathetic. "We need to help this man. I… I couldn't imagine life with such a flat, drab looking body. Especially a life spent without a shirt. A life I live. We need to do something for him. We need to do the ultimate good deed! We need to fix The Situation for The Situation!"


	29. People of Wal*Mart

Jacob really took the situation of the Situation's lack of situation very seriously. Within moments, he'd stripped himself of his hammer pants and replaced it with an elaborate detective costume, complete with tweed hat and pipe.

"We are on the hunt!" he exclaimed. "Watson! Come here and look at this clever quip I've come up with!"

"Right you are, Holmes!" Edward replied, scratching at his false mustache as he leaned over Jacob's shoulder. "Why! This is…! Is it?"

"It is," Jacob replied, nodding gravely. "We have found it, Watson."

"Oh dear…" Edward put his hands around his face, cupping it like a young child in a Sears style family photograph. "I cannot believe it, Holmes! Your speed is remarkable!"

"What on earth are you two looking at?" I asked, finally taking the bait they had laid for me.

Jacob held a soggy piece of paper up infront of me, blowing bubbles out of his pipe for effect. "Elementary, my dear Bella," he said. "It is but a circular advertisement for a mart filled to the brim with walls."

Edward nodded vigorously, his hammer pants swishing with each shake of his head. "Duh," he added.

"Walmart?" I questioned, putting two and two together. For two idiots Jacob and Edward sure liked cryptic dialogue.

"OH!" The Situation spoke up fro the first time since he told us of his Situation. "I love dat place! I can get my hair gel fo' cheep. I gotta keep this baby gelled twice a day!" he lightly patted his physics deifying hair for emphasis.

"True." I began, not quite sure what good deals on hair gel had to do with solving Situation's situation. "But I don't get ho-"

"Bella," Edward cut in, stepping in front of me a bit. "I'm happy fo you, and Imma let you finish, but Target has the best deals of all time! OF ALL TIME!" feeling his point was mad, Edward nodded once and stepped out of the way.

"Why do we need one of those corporate superstores anyway? Last time I checked they didn't sell human body parts there?" I narrowed my eyes, still not grasping what they were getting at.

"YET!" Jacob pointed a knowing finger in my direction. "But in the mean time we need Wal Marts ample supply of washboards."

"YEAH BELLA!" Edward scoffed, turning his nose up to the heavens. "Dumb."

"Washboards?" I said slowly, taking the idea of the cleansing tool in. "Wait…" I held both of my hands up, patting the air. "Wait… you want to put washboards on The Situation's lack of situation to fix the situation?"

"PRECISELY!" Jacob exclaimed, puffing more bubbles. "The wench can be taught!"

I shook my head. "Guys… washboards aren't abs. You can't put them on a person and make them part of a body. It just doesn't work that way. Washboards are… boards. Used for washing. You don't use stomachs for washing. I mean… I guess you could, but that'd be pretty weird. Where would you put the soap?"

There was a silence and I revelled in it. My words had finally had an effect on my loud and flamboyant companions. I began counting the glorious seconds like mini orgasms. Except better.

However, much like the first time a teenage boy masturbates, it was over far too soon.

"You'd put it in between the pecs, of course," Jacob said. "That's what I do every time I shower. I get the little soap bottle, flex and hold it in my man-clevage. I thought that's what everyone does?"

"That's what I do, of course," Edward said, nodding in agreement. "When I shower that is. You see, vampires don't need to shower often because we don't sweat because WE'RE DANGEROUS STAY AWAY BELLA!" He coughed and continued. "I only really bother when the gel gets too built up in my golden locks and they don't do that thing they do."

"You wash da haihz?" The Situation asked, looking thoroughly confused. If I were to put my emotional state from the past few days into the expression of a human, The Situation's current facial arrangement would be it. "Why would yous wants da gel out?"

"I… Well…" Edward paused, not sure how to explain properly. "Sometimes… my hair… well… it does this…" he moved his hands around his head a bit. "You know. That. And when the gel builds up. It… doesn't. It is like a solid. Not a semi-solid like jell-o though. But more like… pants."

"Pants?" I raised my eyebrow up.

"Yes, Bella. Pants." He sighed. "God. Dumb."

"Yes," I decided it was just easier to be my shallow and vaipid self and just agree with whatever my externally and internally perfect husband said.

"Well dats crazy!" The Situation continued along the previous strain of thought. "I need my haih to stand up to da wind dat blows on da shoa. You can't get chick widout haih like this."

"OH NO!' Jacob looked up to his non-spiked hair. "Is that common knowledge?"

"Yea. All chicks dig a dude with a set o' spikes like dese!" he ran his fingers across the top of his head with a satisfied smile.

"AH!" Jacob pulled his Sherlock Holmes hat further down his head. "I MISSED THE MEMO! WE NEED TO GET TO WALMART ASAP!"

"What do Egyptian posionus snakes have to do with getting to Walmart?" Edward srunched up his face in confusion.

"Those are asps Edward!" I called over my shoulder, for he stood confused while the rest of the group followed quickly after Jacob crab walking with the speed only a man in dire need of hair gel could muster.

"OHHHH!" Edward ran close behind, finally figuring it out. "AS IF YOU COULD OUT RUN ME!" He called to the group quickly gaining. "I'M A MONSTER BELLA! WATCH OUT! I COULD SNAP AT ANY MOMENT!...LIKE NOW!" suddenly, Edward broke out into the West Side Story Jets gait in which they snap when they walk.

"HEY!" Jacob looked on, stopping his determined crabwalk. "That looks fun!" he too joined in on the snapping and walking.

"Dis will def get da ladies. Maybe we can trow in a fist pump or two ay fellas?" The Situation joined in, and the three, in a perfect chorus lined, snapped their way to Walmart.

"WALMART!" Jacob gestured to the neon white sign that was missing a t.

"THIS ISN'T WALMART!" Edward fell to his knees hopelessly. "THIS IS WALMAR! We'll never help the situation get his situation back! We're in a desperate situation!

At this, both Jacob and The Situation fist pumped angrily at the misguiding sign, falling to their knees beside Edward. All three sobbed in unison, making sure to harmonize as they did to impress John Guvermount. He looked on approvingly, screwing his face up into weird expression as him hummed along, trying to keep the right pitch.

"I have perfect pitch you know?" he stopped to inform me. "I have trouble keeping it there, hence the faces, but it's always perfectly accurate. That's why I was given the lofty and presdigious task of conducting the church choir!" he put authorative hands to his hips as R. Kelly looked on with a disappointing head shake.

"That guy is totally wack," his crooing was heard for the first time in chapters. "He's definitely a quack. I can't believe some high school ladies want to feel his sack… sack…sack," he echoed the last part as he faded further into the parking lot we now stood in.

R. Kelly really knew how to express moods. He was like mood lighting in a romantic restaurant which a man would bring a date to if he wanted to insure his getting laid later that night. I wished that Edward would take me on romantic mood lit restaurant filled dates that didn't involve me previously getting almost raped by hoodlums on the streets of Seattle. Alas, I was but a mere human who didn't diserve romantic dates with the perfect vampire which I was so infinitely lucky to have married and claimed as my own.

"Did R. Kelly leave?" Edward asked.

"Nah," Jacob said. "He's just further back in the parking lot. He was just moving for emphasis."

I nodded to show agreement with Jacob's statement. "It would be the worst if he left," I said. "I think he's probably the smart one who holds this group together. He is like the soulful glue of our motley crew. He is the J.C. to our N'Sync."

Edward looked at me with disapproving eyes. "What are you saying, Bella?" he growled. "Everyone knows the glue of N'Sync was Lance."

"Bu—"

"No. Stop talking. Just… God Bella! You're so dumb!"

"I'm dumb?" I shouted, finally getting sick of it. I could take a lot of pressure, but when my N'Sync knowledge gets challenged… well, I just have to take a stand. "I'm not the one who thinks that WalMar isn't WalMart with a burned out lightbulb in the 't'!"

With that, everyone turned to gaze upon the sign again, squinting in the evening light to see if what I said was true.

"It could be an 'l'," Edward huffed defensively. "Or perhaps a capital "I". It's not for sure a 't". You don't have to rub these periods of luck in everyone's face, Bella."

"I think it was more logic than luck," I said. "Either way… Can we just… go in? Get the washboard? Maybe some glue or something? Then write down my good deed, find the fart, send everyone else home and let me finally have my orgasm?"

"OH!" Jacob bobbed up and down like a bouy on stormy seas. "Don't forget the hair gel! I need to get with all the fly chicks!"

"Dat's it son!" The situation highfived Jacob and they imbraced in a man hug, otherwise know as a brug.

"Let's just get this over with," I sighed, stepping on the sensor that allowed the doors to automatically swing open, giving me access to Walmart's inner walls.


	30. SPECIAL CHAPTER FOR THE FANS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not cannon but because we've come so far, we thought you fans deserved it.

John Guevernont closed the door behind him, pulling off his ducky tie and unbuttoning his chalk stained shirt.

"Oh my," Edward purred with lust. "Your French Canadian chest is just making my stone loins quiver with need. And the gap in your teeth…"

John smiled a wide, gapped tooth smile. "I know, I know. It's just like in the Canterbury Tales."

"It is!" Edward swooned with delight, his toes clapping together in excitement. "This reminds me of our first meeting when we first discussed Chauser's finest work together!"

"WHAT ABOUT OUR FIRST MEETING?" Bret Michales yelled, storming in clad only in eyeliner, mandana and wig. "WAS IT NOT MAGICAL AS WELL?"

"Oh but it was!" Edward said, letting Bret into his den of men. "I gotta say…"

Bret looked at him lovingly. "Did it really turn you on?" he asked.

Edward nodded.

Before Edward could reply, Jacob bust down the door, breaking a hole in the wall for Ernie Bach Junior to appear.

"COME ON DOOOOOOOWWWWNNNN!" He sang holding his arms open wide as all the men in the room enveloped him into a thick and manly group brug. "I've got everything you're looking for, boys!" he said with a sly smile and a sudctress wink.

"That and then some!" Jacob growled, staring at Erine with the eyes of one ready to wham bam and thank you ma'am someone.

Ernie chuckled, petting each of his subservient men on the head. "Dears let us line up. You know how it is. We buy for less so we can sell for less."

"Never a truer word spoken!" Bret Michaels agreed, starting to situate himself in line formation. "And I have to say, it's turning me on!"

"D'at's such a good deed ya did for dis youngsta," Alan Shawn Fienstien said, patting Earnie Bach Junior on the back. "Yous such a good juniah scholah."

"Ain't that the truth!" said the man from the elevator. "Elvis and Good Deeds are eternal." He nodded contently to himself, nudging Edward on the arm with his elbow as Edward also nodded, chortling.

"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun…" Alan Rickman said as he entered into the room, looking forlorn. When he faced the room of studly, nude men, he lit up like a Christmas tree being plugged in for the first time since the wires were untangled. "I grant I never saw a goddess go" he said, wiggling his eyebrows as though to imply 'oh baby!'

"He's seein' da meeeens. He's lookin' at da meeens. He's lusting over da meens… meens… meens…" R. Kelly's soulful voice sang out, accompanied by The Situation's choreographed fist pumping.

The room was filled with hot, naked, burly, oily, sweaty, pectorially enhanced, men. They came together, embracing each other like brothers who sometimes let their animalistic urges get the better of them.

"Gentlemen!" John Guevernmont said, gathering the troops. "Tonight…

WE DANCE."


	31. I think it's fly when the girls stop by for the summer. For the summer.

It was an expreience to watch Edward take in all that WalMart had to offer. I thought that after living for over one hundred and nine years, he'd be used to the idea of a super market, but he seemed to take the super portion of the term quite more literally than expected.

"THIS STORE IS SUPER!" Edward danced through the aisles, twirling as he danced. "Look Bella! Look at all the things we can buy!" I could see the tears starting to once again well in his eyes. "So much joy… Are we even worthy?"

"It's just WalMart, Edward," I said, rolling my eyes. "I mean… I guess they have good deals sometimes, but it's not really a big dea-"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, WOMAN. SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Edward danced his way infront of me to point an accusitory finger. "You destroy everything happy in this world. You just want my happiness to be sadness, don't you Bella? That explains your unwarrented aggression towards my Newtons, among other things!"

You would think that by this point in time I would have been used to Edward's constant barrage of insults, but this one took the cake. Tears began to pool in my dull factory-made brown eyes. His words hit a spot that only a true bully could conjure.

"I-I-I" I stammered, desperately trying to hold in the tears that fought their way to break free. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP!" I sobbed, my tears flowing at full force. I was sexually frustrated, hungry, and tired, considering I hadn't sleep since we had arrived in Elvis's true home.

Edward stared on slightly confused for a minute. He wasn't used to seeing my one dimensional self become so worked up.

"Oh," he walked over to my sobbing form, now a lump on the ground. "Don't cry baby, don't cry!" he comforted, patting me lightly on the back.

"Wut's goin on ova heah?" the Situation strode over to find out what the situation was. "Oh," he stopped short, looing slightly uncomforable at my tear streaked face.

"She's having a moment," Edward explained. "I think it's pregnancy. We have been having lots of crazy, unprotected sex recently you know."

"That's not true!" I cried. "That's the whole problem! EDWARD I WANT TO FUCK! THAT'S ALL I WANT. THAT'S IT. I JUST WANT AN ORGASM! ONE MOMENT IN NIRVANA! THE BIG O! I WANT TO MOMENTARILY FORGET ABOUT BASEBALL!"

"Oh…" The Situation scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Edz… you…" he paused, not sure how to continue then broke Edward away from me into a brug. "Bro… I'm so sorry…" For the moment, his ridiculous accent disappeared. I could only hope it was to show the seriousness of the moment. "You got… a grenade."

I wanted to kick him in his very muscular, well defined shins.

"But bro," he continued before I could work up to shin-kicking, "even if the lady ain't fine… you still gotta provide. It's yo duty as a man to not forget, laundry, gym tan." He fist pumped for emphasis.

"Oh no…" Edward looked horror stricken. "I… I have gone against the code…?" He gasped as the Situation nodded grimly. "Oh… oh dear… oh no… I… oh no…"

I stood up from my sobbing lump position, with a renewed vigor. Someone's momma taught him well. The overly gelled, tanned, and muscled man who seemed to be doing nothing but fist pumping his life away had become the voice of reason.

"Bella," Edward turned towards me and extended a hand, "I've been so cruel. Shall we?"

"We shall!" I grinned, grabbing his hands. It only took four days ten hours and five seconds, but I was finally getting an orgasam.

"Fellas!" Edward turned to address the group. "We'll be in the dressing rooms!" with that Edward pulled me towards the clothing section.

"Edward," I questioned, half confused, half frustrated. "We just walked by the dressing room about three times."

"I know that!" he stared back at me quickly before tearing through a rack of clothing priced as cheeply as it was made. "But we have to have a cover. I'm getting something to try on!" he held up a regular white tee-shirt and wrinkled his nose. "What are kids wearing these days?"

"You don't have to like it, remember?" I tapped my skull for emphasis.

"Elephant, Bella," he returned the gesture before grabbing a large gray sweater and pulling me towards the dressing room stalls.

The moment felt so unreal to me. I don't remember much of what happened between the point of Edward grabbing the lumpy sweater and the moment of Edward posing in front of the mirror. I do, however, remember that none of hte moments between contained hot sex. Or orgasms. Or even heavy petting.

"Does this sweater make me look pale?" he asked, turning this way and that in front of the full length mirror. "I don't think it flatters my figure very much… Well… I mean, everything flatters me, of course, because I'm a vampire, but as far as flattering things go in terms of not flattering…"

"...it's lovely, Edward. Just great," I sighed, wondering if a lack of orgasm was enough reason for a divorce so soon into a marriage.

"Bella, you're not even looking!" he accused. "You didn't even check! You're just saying these things because EVERYTHING ABOUT ME PULLS YOU IN. MY FACE. MY SCENT. EVEN MY VOICE. I'M DANGEROUS BELLA, STAY AWAY!"

"Edward!" I tried to calm him down, hoping to avoid a confrontation with the not too friendly WalMart staffers who were sure to have heard him. "Please don't yell! What if the changing room attendants heard you! We'd be busted for sure!"

"Oh come now, Bella. They would know any loud noises were just you in the throws of passion. My vocal level is no where near that range."

"...How would you even know?" I accused.

"Elephant, Bella. Elephant."

I began to count. Perhaps if I were able to make it to five, I wouldn't want to kill Edward as badly as I did now.

"Bella, surely you remember my powers of pleasure," he looked slightly shocked and offended. "Although… I suppose that I might have blown your mind… perhaps that's why you're so…" he paused as I glared, daring him with my eyes to continue. He took the challenge. "Dumb."

"OH YEAH!" I blew up. If I were in a war, I would've been the field mine that blew up the entire convoy. "I remember all right! I remember that you DON'T HAVE ANY POWERS OF PLEASURE!"

"Bella!" Edward pressed himself against the wall, his hand placed over his heart. "Your words. They cut."

"GOOD!" I screamed. I couldn't take it anymore. I should've known that two to three years wasn't a long enough time before marriage. I should've listened to my dad and hung out with my other friends. Then maybe I would've noticed the crazy before we took our vows. "Let's just go get Situation his stupid washboard, so we can do the stupid good deed, so we can get the stupid cahd," I mimcked Alan Shawn's voice for effect. "So we can get the stupid fart, so we can then vampireize the fart, so we can go home, and live a long and orgamless eternal life together!" I stalked out of the dressing room, making sure to slam the door behind me. "OH YEAH!" I re-opened the door just enough to fit my head in. "That sweater makes you look FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT!

Edward's lower lip began to crumple as I slammed the door once more. He followed closely behind, back in his normal clothing: the hammer pants and brightly colored man tank.

"WELL….WELL…" he pointed a finger at my back, trailing behind my determined pace. "You're a...a...BUTT FACE!" he smiled lightly, clearly proud with his lame insult.

"You know, I wish I were, Edward! Maybe then R. Kelly would put his key in my ignition-face! He could be feelin' on my booty! And maybe then someone would love me properly!" I huffed back to the front of the store, snatching up a washboard as I went. "HERE!" I yelled, as I handed The Situation his temporary situation. "TAKE IT!"

"Jeez, Bella, you look pissed," Jacob said. I turned to yell at him too, to try to get all of my anger out for the day so maybe the unwanted adventure could end sooner, but I was stopped short.

Jacob's hair was so beautifully gelled.

I fell in love with my sun, the one who filled the hole in my heart, all over again.


	32. Hey Gurrl How Ya Doin? You are the woman that I'm really persuein'

"Hey Bells, how ya doin?" Jacob asked as I made a bee-line towards his gloriously spikey hair.

"So much better now, Jake-y," I said as I pressed myself against his overly buff and now even more tanned bod. "I just wanted to thank you for being a friend…"

"Hey, you know me. Travel down the road and back again, Bells. Your heart is true, you're a friend and a confidant," he paused, not quite sure if he should continue. The last party that was thrown in my honour, Edward had given me a car. Jacob gave me a bracelet- not the biggest gift. It didn't even have a card attached.

"Oh Jacob," I began to melt against his overly warm skin. "You're so… friend."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Bellie…" he paused once more, considering his words carefully. "Could you… not use me as a heater right now? It's pretty tosty in here and you're starting to smell a bit… If you want, we can go get some anti-persperant from aisle three, but I'd rather just avoid the problem all together, you know?"

"Oh, I know. We should go to aisle three, baby. That's where the good stuff is," I wiggled my eyebrows, hoping he would get the reference to personal lubracants in the aisle.

"I think you should go through aisle two to steal his heart," John Guevermont objected, referencing his greatest musical, Shelf Life.

I glared at him quickly before looking up at Jacob through my eyelashes. He was being a total cockblock. I really needed the soulful tunes of R. Kelly to get the mood started.

"You know," I began, lightly tracing a finger along Jacob's chest. "I think I forgot something in the dressing room. Will you…come help me retrieve it?" I wiggled my eyebrows and bit my lip at the last statement.

"Sure!" Jacob bounded ahead, dragging me back to the clothing section of the super store.

"I'm telling yah," I could hear The Situation's voice informing the menfolk of the current situation. "Da Haih gel always gets da ladies."

"Yeah," Edwards sighed, and stared up at the ceiling dreamily. "HEY!" the moment of realization sprung quicker than usual. "HEY!" he picked up the pace to meet Jacob and mine.

"HEY!" he exclaimed once again his brows furrowed.

"What Edward?"

"HEY!"

"I'm going in the dressing room with Jacob now," I narrowed my eyes at him, and followed Jacob into the little alcove in which all the stalls were located. Once, we were safetly locked into stall 7, I began to start the magic.

"HEY!" Edward's voice called from outside the stall, preventing me from beginning the process of orgasming. "WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT?" he pounded his fists against the slatted white door.

"Because you can't do me like this!" I replied simply before tearing Jacob's pants off. Those Velcro hammer pants really came in handy.

"Don't make me pull this out!" Edward threatened.

"All I wanted you to pull out was your penis, Edward!" I cried as I began to pull Jacob's out. It was beautiful and penis-y in every way I had imagined except for one. Just like Edward, Jacob's little dog bone was flaccid.

"I'm going to do it!" Edward threatened again, sounding more determined now. "If you don't come out of there very soon, I'll… I'll make you come out of there very soon!"

I sighed and rolled my eyes, trying to get the juices flowing in Jacob. "Fine, Edward. Fine, whatever. Fine. I don't care anymore. Fine."

I could hear Edward's sniffling, then the ripping open of a plastic package, then… everything went crazy.

"IT'S BACON!" Jacob lept over the stall onto Edward, tackling him to the ground. "BACON BACON BACON!" If he were in full wearwolf mode, I'm sure his tail would have been wagging like a crazy dog.

"Beggin' strips," Edward explained to me as I stood in the doorway, mouth agape. "Dogs don't know it's not bacon!"

"IT'S BAAAAAACON!" Jacob began stuffing his face into the bag, eating loudly of the false pig biproduct. "YUM YUM YUM YUM!"

Edward looked very pleased with himself as he allowed Jacob to not bring me orgasmic pleasure. "You reap what you sow, Bella," he said. "And what you had sown could only reap such plants. You wanted to break our wedding vows? Then you had best be prepared for the concequences!"

"How on earth did the concequences equal… this?" I asked, as Edward begain scratching Jacob's perfectly abb-ular belly. "I don't even begin to see the relation between the two…"

"Dumb," Edward shook his head at me before professing Jacob's good boy-liness.

"I think I can offer some advice here!" John Guevermont stepped inbetween Edward and me, preventing me balled up fists from punching Edward in the left pectoral. "I'm sort of a guru on relationships. Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a man?"

"NO!" I replied through gritted teeth. Was I doomed to be orgasimless for life? What did I do to deserve this? I mean, Edward's vampire-ness was completely scientific, so I knew God couldn't be mad at me.

"Well!" John Guevermont clapped his hands together, smiling, his gap tooth a lit with joy. "Let me tell you!"

"Does this have anything to do with sexual intercourse?"

"No, but my advice to you, by the way!" he threw his hands behind his back, shaking his head slightly. "Is to have emotional affairs with your younger and not of age students. It's really invigorating. The whole danger aspect of it!" John's gap tooth seemed to widen as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"But I have sex related issues!" I threw my hands up to the heavens. If only Vampires were stretchy…

"Well," John placed a pride filled hand to his chest. "I never. NEVER. Lack in that department.

And then it happened. I remembered the reason for John entering this Fan-Fic. He had the sexual ability I needed to orgasm. I had forgotten how his gray hair shimmered under the florecent lights. How his gap tooth made him sexy in the medieval knight kind of way. How the way he threw his hands back accentuate the chalk stains, accentuating his aging and flabby body. And here we were. In Walmart. In Walmart in the Walmart dressing rooms. In Walmart in the Walmart dressing rooms, unattended. Him a crazed sex machine. Me, in need of one. Before I could think any further, I pulled him in, and locked the door behind us.

"I NEED AN ORGASM AND I NEED IT NOW!" I held him threateningly by the ducky necktie drapped casually around his neck.

"BUT FIRST," John held up a finger, not denying me. "We must dicuss how we are better than those around us, for we… ARE INTELLECTS!"

"NOT BELLA!" Edwards called from the other side. "She's dumb! Dumb! That's why I always dumb, when she says stuff because she's dumb. It's a meaner way of saying stupid. It's also shorter, which is good for the busy swinging bachelor like myself!"

"You're not a bachelor, Edward," I sighed. "You're a married man. Who has a wife who's about to finally get an orgasm from a French Canadian choir director."

"I do?" I could picture the blank look on Edward's perfect face. "Wow… who knew, right?" He seemed to be pleased with this new development. "Heh!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I couldn't appreciate my son's winning the soccer game?" John Guevernmont said as I began trying to remove his chalky polo shirt. "I was too intellectual to understand the simple pleasures in life."

"I'll give you some simple pleasures," I said suggestively.

"I won't appreciate them," John frowned. "I'm intellectual!"

"I told you!" came Edward's voice from the outside area. "Dumb."

"Fine then!" I huffed, trying to undo his thrift-store belt. "Fine then! I'll give you complex pleasures!"

"I thought you wanted sex?" John frowned even further, his eyebrows deepening in concern. "That's not really complex, now, is it? I mean… It's like working at McDonnalds when you could be a high school English teacher! There's no comparison!"

"Do you want to get laid, or not?" I yelled, throwing my hands up in the air. "I mean, for god's sake! Does no one want to help me orgasm? Is the whole world against me?"

"More or less," Jacob said. Weather it was to my comment or to the Walmart employee he was conversing over Beggin' Strips was unclear, however I decided to not take the second point into consideration.

"Nonsense," John flipped a wrist in my direction. "Let's get this started!" he ripped his pants off, and began the process.

I looked on in shock as he gyrated around the dressing room. It was…something. He began the opening score to Cats, including the prancing around, clawing at the carpet, and even coughing up a hair ball or two.

"Practical cats, dramatical cats Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats Oratorical cats, Delphicoracle cats Skeptical cats, Dispeptical cats Romantical cats, Pedantical cats  
Critical cats, parasitical cats Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats Statistical cats and mystical cats Political cats, hypocritical cats Clerical cats, hysterical cats Cynical cats, rabbinical cats!" he sang, making the necessary faces to keep in tune, the gap in his teeth creating a nice whistle to go along with his song. If Bret Michaels were not recovering from his birth, and here with us instead, he would've definitely been turned on. John gave jazz hands only an English High School teacher who runs the drama department could muster.

"HEY!" Edward bust in, joining in the chorus. "I know this song." Together, him and John danced and sang down the asiles of Walmart, gracing the shoppers with their rendition of the hit broadway musical.

"Now this is a situation I've never been situated with," the Situation looked on slightly horrified. He definitely was the voice of reason within the sea of doofuses I would consider my posse.

"Oh shit," R. Kelly sang for the first time in chapter. "Things are getting crazy! This poor little lady! Why can't she and Edward do the deed to make a baby…baby…baby…baby?" as he echoed the last bit he faded into one of the dressing room stalls, hiding himself from what was Edward's and John's big finish.

Suddenly, although, I admit, not really unexpectedly, especially after seeing his prior reaction to Beggin' Strips, Jacob lept from his perch on the floor, springing like a dog after a cat.

"WOOF!" he yelled. "WOOF WOOF ARF GRR!"

"HISS!" John returned, using his gap to aid in the effect of his hissing. "HISS MEOW!"

"GRR!"

"HISS!"

"GENTLEMEN! Gentlemen please!" Edward held his hands up. "Can't we all just get along?"

"Don't try to be the hero here, Paracite!" Jacob growled. "You don't own me! Whatevea! I do what I want! Whatevea!" He moved his head from side to side. "Whatevea!"

"Jacob! Please!" Edward put his hand to his forehead, "What are we doin' heah?"

"OH YEAH?"

"I mean… I'm doin' me, I know that," Edward said, quoting Jimmy from Degrassi's song that he made when he wasn't being shot.

It was then the idea struck me. Like Rick's bullet in Jimmy's back. It was like I was running in slow motion then suddenly, everything stopped for that moment. It was as if the screen playing my life went black and then cut to credits. But it was in that moment, that I knew. I had a plan and I knew that, if acted out properly, my life would never be the same again. I would begin life anew just as Jimmy had begun life anew in his wheelchair after he wasn't able to be on the basketball team again and after he and Spinner had stopped being friends, but before he went out with Ashley but then dumped her because he couldn't get a boner.

Masterbation.


	33. A hand in the pants is worth one in the pants.

I cannot believe it never occurred to me before. I had been spending all my time entrusting my oragsms to others when, in truth, I held the power in my own two hands. Or one, if I was using the other to control the DVD player remote if I so decided to watch porn as I got my jollies on. It was so simple, so mindbogglingly uncomplicated… I was almost ready to berate my simple and dumb human brain for not thinking of it sooner when I realized that, perhaps, it was a bit more complicated than first realize so the fact my simple brain didn't connect to it right away wasn't to be unexpected.

How Edward didn't come up with the idea, however, I will never know. His superior vampire mind, far more clever and elephant-like than my own, would surely have thought of such a plan…

"Where are you going?" Edward screamed after me as I walked purposefully towards the Walmart entrance(or soon to be exit.). "Women," he scoffed soon after. "Always doing crazy things at crazy times."

"Yo dood!" The Situation fist pumped into the air in a frenzy. "You gotta treat da ladies with respec'! None o' dat crazy women crap."

The Situation was easily becoming one of the most likeable characters of the bunch. Shockingly so, since he's all about tanning and doing his laundry. But who doesn't love the smell of a clean shirt?

"Good sir!" I politely approached one of the friend blue vest clad Walmart employees. "Could you direct me to the nearest sex toy shop?"

"Don't think it's because her husband can't get a boner, and when he does, he can't use it to please her!" Edward quickly came up behind me defending. "Because you'd be quite wrong in thinking that! Why just yesterday she was commending my great skills in the sak. Why I believe it went something like this," Edward raised his voice an octive higher to emulate what I might sound like if I was a teenage boy going through puberty. "Oh Edward! You are certainly a sex machine. You have ruined my vagina to any other man. I shall always be faithful to you, Edward Cullen, because I could never receive the orgasm your ding dong provides with any other."

I turned and glared at my newly acquired husband. "When did I say anything remotely like that?" I asked.

"Last night. While you were sleeping," Edward explained. "I was watching telelvison and waiting for you to wake up and WATCHING YOU I AM VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOU BELLA. I LIKE TO WATCH YOU SLEEP. IT'S VERY…"

"Edward. Stop. No one needs to know that you're a total creeper at night."

"Anyway, you said it. I heard it." He nodded to the friendly WalMart worker. "She said it."

"A-yup," replied the friendly WalMart worker. "A-yuuuup."

"Edward," I sighed. "I was having a dream. You don't know dreams, because you don't have them ever because you don't sleep, but when you dream, you can have the most magical and wonderful and perfect things happen. I was dreaming that you were giving me the orgasm of my dreams. The one that I wanted and had dreamt about before and was dreaming about getting when I was dreaming."

Edward looked at me with beady eyes. He furrowed his brow in an attempt to understand what I had told him. The look of stony concentration made his perfect and flawless features look even more granite like than usual. If I were Bret Michales, I'd admit that it was turning me on.

"Well then," Edward's beady eyes became even more beady. "I guess this is your fault Bella. I can't read your mind. I don't know what it is you want. You never communicate with me!"

"EDWARD!" I hissed. "EDWARD! You don't talk about that in front of people!"

"Don't talk about what, Bella? You're not telling me! I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW!" He spat back.

"EDWARD!" I yelled even louder. The expression on the face of the friendly WalMart employee gave away everything, even to someone like my poor human self who couldn't read minds. He knew. He knew and he knew well.

"Here," he scribbled something on an old receipt before striding away and giving Edward a dirty once over. For once someone was on my side, and it felt…Good!

I unfolded the slip of paper on which an address of the nearest Amazing Super store was written out. Below it the friendly Walmart employee had written "for a good time, call me" and his seven digit number plus the local area code. Was I willing to succumb to sleep with just anyone? Only time could tell.

"What is that Bella?" Edward bounced around me as I continued on my journey to the Adult Toy Shop. "What's on the paper? Bella? Bella? What's on the paper Bella? TELL ME! TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME, ME!"

"EDWARD!" I snapped around giving him the best glare I could muster, which was hard when his face was so perfect. His eyes so…smoldery. Why Hilter himself(the king of anger) couldn't stay mad at the guy. "This will help me orgasm."

"Oh! I know what can help!" he tugged on my arm leading me away. I tried to fight against him, but it was no use. His super human strength was no match for my weak and meger human form. As if I could fight him off! As if I could outrun him! HE WAS A MONSTER!

"DUN DAH!" Edward splayed his hands out in a panoramic view of the building we had stopped in front of.

"EDWARD," I groaned, slapping my face into my hands. "We've already tried the strip club."

"OH A STRIP CLUB!" The situation and Jacob quickly caught up. "Dem places have tons of fly ladies!" The Situation, popped his collar and gave one fist pump to the night sky.

"And their breasts are so natural!" Jacob amended, also fist pumping into the air.

"Hey Jake-y x!" The Situation gave Jake one of those male bonding shoves. "You can give your new look a test run in there!"

"Jake-y x?" I raised a eyebrow with confusion.

"DUH!" Edward rolled his eyes. "All the fly fellas need a cool nick name to attract the smokin' babes! Like me! Mine is D.J. Eddie Monay. That's how I got you."

"Come on!" The Situation beckoned to the rest of us, everyone following his foot steps eagerly.

"I bet one of my former students works in there," John mused, skipping a step or too happily.

"Edward," I growled, holding my ground. "This didn't work… remember?"

"No," he scoffed. "And if I don't remember it, it certainly didn't happen. Remember? Elephant?" he tapped his skull for emphasis. "Dumb," he shook his head with disappointment before joining the others inside.

It was decision time for me as I stood outside the strip club. Do I go inside and realize my inner lesbanic feelings? Could I handle knowing myself if those feelings have been kept from me all these years? Do I continue to the sex store myself, and masterbate without a hoard of buffoons doing buffoon like things? Or, did I call for a good time? The weight of the world was on my shoulders. Two decisions would lead to good sex. One would lead to more disappointment. Would I choose the front seat or the back seat? Oh, spirits, which seat would I take?

I took the wheel. Turning on my heel, and avoiding slipping on the banana peel near the sidewalk, I began my mission once again to the Amazing Superstore. I walked about ten feet before I stopped again. I did not have a GPS unit nor a map. Knowing my luck, I would likely be stuck wandring throughout the streets of Memphis for the next three years. I went back to the strip club.

Upon entering the club, I noticed several things had changed from my first experience in there. Firstly, Edward was sitting in a chair, fully clothed, and without any Fig Newtons. Secondly, there were ladies were on the stage. Thirdly, there was not one man in the club wearing a shirt advertising moustache rides for discount prices.

It was in this moment, I thanked my past self for being so prepared. I took from my purse a olive green, highly stained t-shirt and pulled it over my head. I would take one for the team this day and advertise for the rides of the moustache-y variety.

After I donned my new 'rags', I went and seated myself next to Edward, sighing as I did so in order to express my displeasure with the turn of events.

"Bella! You came!" Edward patted me on the back like one of the bros. "Good timing. John's up next!"

"Oh god no!" I wept openly. "Anything but that!"

But it was too late. The opening song from Shelf Life began to play as a single spot was drawn over the freshly oiled pole. John slunk up to center stage. His face contorting to hold the notes.

The men whooped and hollered with each changing expression. Some fanned their chests with their shirts. Other's sipped their beers longingly. The Situation had passed out stone cold as John stepped fully into the light, revealing his dashing and saucy attire. He was wearing nothing but the East Field Indepent Venders of America Family Savings Everyday Bargin Basic Value Quality Discoutn Neighborhood Grocery story apron. The blue apron just grazed his perfect penis, as it flopped in time with his sloppy time steps and step-ball-changes.

"Wow!" Edward's eyes were wide and un blinking as he stared up at John. Jealousy bubbled in my chest. I wondered what I would have to do for him to stare at me in that way. "I think I'm in love," he held a hand lovingly to his heart. "I LOVE YOU JOHN!" he screamed rushing the stage, only to be pulled back by the bouncers. "NO! NO! YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP US AS APART!" he kicked and screamed as the burly gentlemen removed him from the club.

"What's 'dat youngsta doin'?" Alan Shawn Feinstien asked as he walked into the club, entorage of his family flocking his sides. "AARI!"

"We love you all," Ari said blandly to the patrons of the club. "Dad, I hate this. Why do I have to tell these people I love them? Can't I just be a normal no-longer-teenager? I don't want to live in the shadow of your pseudo-fame anymore. I want to be my own person! Separate from your Alan-Shawn-Feinstien-ness!"

No one cared and the Feinstien family continued in. As they walked up to the stage, a thought struck me. I grabbed the Situation by the collar and dragged him over to the Rhode Island philanthropist.

"Mr. Feinstein!" I yelled, just in case he was hard of hearing in the club. I wanted to make sure I was heard over John Guevernmont's crooning. "Mr. Feinstien! I did a good deed!" I waved my little book infront of his face and pointed excitedly at the washboard being held by tacky glue to the Situation's stomach.

"Excellent work, you're a fine juniah scholah," Alan Shawn complimented. "I think it's time you get yah cahd."


	34. It's about the key the key the key to my heart you hooooooold! Dun dun dun!

It was a good moment to be alive. I had never experienced such bliss as Alan Shawn Feinstien signed his name to the Junior Scholar card which was about to be mine. Even walking down the aisle to Edward, back when I believed I'd be living a life of orgasmic bliss, was nothing compared to this moment.

"Heah ya go," Alan Shawn said, handing the card to me. I held it up in my hands reverently. Somewhere, the Baptist Choir group, led by the soulful sounds of , who had entered into the strip club a little before I had, began to sing the Hallelujah chorus. A spotlight shown down on me. Glitter flew in the sky. I had never and will never experience a more perfect moment in life.

If I could bottle up that moment and put it into a scented candle, I'd call it "Farterella."

"OH MY GOD!" Jacob bounded over to me, tailbone wagging under his flesh. "OH MY GOD, BELLA!"

"I KNOW!" I screamed, taking both his hands in mine as we jumped in circles.

Dear Alan Shawn wiped away a tear of happiness as he croaked, "It's always so nice ta see a pair of youngstahs so happy ta be doin' da good deeds! Dey deserve high fives and hugs!" he cried, breaking into a full sob at this moment. "HIGH FIVE AND HUGS FOR EVERYONE!" he threw his hands out and bellowed.

The club errupted in cheers, the choir beginning to sing again. The club was alight with feelings of elation, jubilation, and pure exhalation. People lined up to recieve their high fives and hugs from the jolly philanthropist. Even John Guevermont climbed down from his perch on stage to join in the fun.

"You know what this means now?" I shouted about the whoops and hollers of a strip club gone giddy.

"WE HAVE BEGUN TO FIX THE SITUATION?" The Situation roared over the crowd, fist pumping like he never had before.

"Right!" I grabbed Jacob by the wrist and ran from the club. It was time to get Farterella, vamperieze her, and then get all the other people out of my life. Then maybe I could finally get that orgasm I deserved.

"HOLD ON THERE ONE COTTON LILLY PICKIN' MINUTE!" Edward appeared from nowhere as he was want to do. "Where do you think you're a-goin' with my woman?" he poked Jake in his muscular, tanned, oiled, and laundry clad chest.

"Well," Jacob put a hand to his chin, scratching at an invisbile beard. "I had intended to go the bathroom before we left, but I wasn't going to bring Bella with me, of course, she can't go in the mens room, anyway, after that, I was thinking that maybe we could find my one, my true love."

"That was the longest sentence ever," Edward huffed. "You used far too many commas for it to be readable. I bet you used more than five!"

"Edward, he was talking. He didn't use commas," I rolled my eyes. "He did not say 'I had intended to go to the bathroom before we left comma but I wasn't going to bring bella with me comma of course comma she can't go in the mens room comma anyway comma after that comma I was thinking that maybe we could find my one comma true love period'. He didn't say that."

"I know that, Bella," Edward's eyes rolled in my general direction. "Dumb."

"Anyway, yeah. That was my plan." Jacob pulled out a small notebook from the pocket of his Ed Hardy, lightly distressed denim pants, checking down the list which he had made before. "Bathroom, pooping, wiping, fart. Yeah, I think that covers it!"

"Hunh!" Edward nodded, looking over the little list as well. "This does seem to cover everything. It all appears to be in check. Well, carry on." He took a hole punch from his shirt and punched a hole into Jacob's list. "Pip pip."

"Cheerio!" Jacob replied.

"What? What just happened there?" I demanded, putting my hands on my hips much like a slightly chunky middle aged mother of three would be prone to doing if one of her children had disobeyed a direction given regarding the cookie jar and who was and was not allowed in it before dinner time.

Edward looked slightly hurt at my tone and posture. "I punched his list…"

"He punched my list!" Jacob nodded vigorously in agreement.

"But, but, but" something in me snapped. A wise old saying came to mind at that moment. One that shined down upon as if the word from God had spoken. If you can't beat them, join them. "HIS LIST IS INCOMPLETE!" I shouted, receiving baffled looks from the two of them. Pointing an accusatory hand at Jacob I continued, "HE DIDN'T PUT WASHING HIS HANDS ON THE LIST!"

"FIE!" Edward pointed his finger at Jacob as well.

"FIE!" John Guevermont had exited the club at that exact moment, now back in his normal attire.

"FIE!" The Situation joined the club, flitting his eyes around as if he was unsure of what the word meant.

"Oh, shit, oh shit!" R. Kelly sung, the choir backing him up softly. His soulful voice added moment and weight to the situation.

"UH, UH!" Jacob looked from side to side. The finger pointing at him created a perfect circle around his body. "I'm a man," he shrugged.

The circle slowly dropped their fingers, pondering the thought breifly.

"Yeah...YEAH...YEAH!" Edward nodded his head more definitely each time. "WE'RE MEN! WE DON'T NEED TO WASH OUR HANDS AFTER GOING TO THE BATHROOM!" he beat his chest as if he were a gorilla as the rest of the group cheered. "God Bella! Dumb."

"Let's just find the stupid fart," I muttered, walking from the circle.

"SHE'S NOT STUPID!" Jacob bellowed breaking into wretching sobs. "SHE SMART AND FUNNY AND NICE AND AND BEAUTIFUL!" he screamed before running to the bathroom with his face in his hands.

"Oh, look what you've done Bella!" Edward furrowed his brow and placed his hands on his hips, leaning in towards me. "You've ruined Christmas! How do you feel? You've ruined the birthday of our Savior Lord in Heaven. He only has one birthday, you know? And you've ruined it! Why, I think you might have ruined it for all eternity! Do you know how long that is? Because I do! Because I'm a vampire, Bella! Everything about me draws you in! My voice, my smell, my looks!"

"I'M A MONSTER BELLA!" all the members of our dysfunctional crew joined in as Edward bellowed the last part.

"I know, I get it. You're a monster. I need to stay away. Can we move on? Please?" I begged. "Edward, everything about you lures me in. It's kind of hard to stay away."

"AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!" Edward huffed.

"Right. As if I could outrun you. I can't So let's just drop it for the moment? Please?"

"Fine, FINE!" Edward glared at me, arms crossed over his gorgeously granite and stoney chest. Why, if Edward were not a rock based item but instead a semi-soild, he'd be the most appetizing bowl of jell-o ever to grace the buffet at the All You Can Eat Chinese X-Press.

"Did I miss anything?" Jacob returned, panting with the viggor of one who'd just run a marathon. "Oh! Bella! Guess what!" He leaned in to whisper in my ear. "I washed my hands."

"I'm so proud of you, really," I replied blandly. "Can we go? Get the fart now?"

"FARTERELLA!" Jacob stood up tall. "I WILL FIND YOU AND RESCUE YOU, MY LOVE! WE HAVE THE KEY NOW!" He bounded out of the club, brandishing a butter knife in replacement of a mace. "WOOF!"

"Well my love," Edward's velvet voice caressed my inner most thighs. "Shall we?"

John Guevernmont took hold of Edward's outstretched hand. "Of course. I am never late for anything, you know, did I ever tell you about the time…"

Their voices trailed off as they left me in the club, holding my Junior Scholar Card, my only friend.

The Situation fist pumped somberly, the mood was set.


	35. You can stand under my Farterella ella ella hey hey hey under my Farterella ella ella hey hey hey hey IT'S RAAAININ'.

I pushed the door to club open and stepped outside. The morning sun was rising in the East, like it always does. For that is how the world was created. I yawned, I had yet to sleep since I had started this honey moon, which seemed to be about two years, ten months and seven days. A total of 89,942,400 seconds. 1, 449, 040 minutes, 1, 449, 040 moments so dear. 1, 449, 040 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year? In Edwards, in Jacobs, in Fiensteins, in figs of newton, in erections, in chalk stain, in ducky tie, in gapped teeth. In 1, 449, 040 minutes. How do you measure, a two year, ten, month seven day in the life. HOW ABOUT LOOOOOOOOOOVE? HOW ABOUT LOOOOOOOOOOVE? HOW ABOUT LOOOOOOOOOOVE? Measure in Love.

I smiled to myself, felling quite accomplished in adaptting Rent lyrics to fit my situation, and jogged to catch up with the men ahead.

"Hey," I waved the card in front of the faces of Edward and John. They were walking with their hands in each other's pockets. It would've been a magical sight had it not been my husband and some English teacher that for some reason was working as a bell hop at the hotel we're staying in. "Forgetting something?"

"Well, obviously not!" Edward scoffed. "Elephant, Bella," he tapped his skull twice for emphasis. "She's always doubting me John," he muttered to John.

"Pft, women," John flipped a wrist with a scoff. "They're always trying to impress us by wearing make up."

"Please!" The Situation, jogged up, fist pumping to keep pace. "Only grenades wear make up."

"Uh," I rolled my eyes, deciding to ignore their conversation. "The card?"

"THE CARD!" Jacob stopped short, spinning to face us. "What can we do with it?"

"Oh you can do lots of things!" Edward ticked off the list that he spoke. "You can get discounts at hockey games at the Dunkin' Doughnuts Center, discounts into the zoo, college scholar ships, Paw Soxs tickets, and a special ticket price at the I-Max theater."

"The movies," all the other members of our group chanted in unison.

"THE MOVIES?" Edward cried as if the idea had been given to him by the word of God. "Let's go to the I-Max theater. Did you know we could get in with a special price with that card you have?"

"Yes Edward," I sighed. Why didn't he seem this stupid before we married. Was I really that Blinded by love. Was I really like Eve's girlfriend in that song Love is Blind? Will I let Edward beat me, but refuse to leave him until one day he kills me? WILL I LET THAT HAPPEN? "You just said that."

"Pish Posh!" he gave me a dirty look. "I think I would've remembered if I said that. "El-"

"ELEPHANT, BELLA. YES ELEPHANT BELLA!" I smacked my skull twice for emphasis.

"Why is she talking to herself?" Jacob whispered to the Situation.

"I have no clue," he replied. "Maybe she drank some of the Ron-Ron Juice," he shrugged unshore of the reason for my sudden bout of insanity.

"So where is this theater," I asked, wanting to move every one away from my moment of crazyness.

"Oh," Edward pulled out a tiny map from his ear. "It's in Providence Rhode Island. Just a day's walk, I'd say! An afternoon stroll!"

"Edward, that's a seventeen day, four hour long stroll!" I flailed my arms, much like Kermit the Frog would if he were as exasperated as I in this moment.

"Oh." Edward consulted his map, turning it a bit before realizing that it was, in fact, a drawing of some deer. "Oh. Well then."

"Can we just go to a local theater?"

"ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN!" John Guevernmont's hands flew behind his back at lightning speed. "ARE YOU INNEPT? DID YOU NOT GET A LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE IN COLLEGE?"

"I didn't go to college," I replied. "I left high school then got married. Like a good mormon child."

"Fair enough," his hands relaxed before flying back once more. "BUT ARE YOU INNEPT? One cannot simply waltz into I-Max!"

"I wasn't planning on waltzing," I rebutted.

"Either way! There is only one Feinstien I-Max! And if you hold the card, that is the only place where you'll ever be able to get your discount!"

"Can't ya just get on a plane or somethin'?" The Situation asked, fist pumping to express his inquiry. "Or a dragon, man. Dragons."

"TROGDOR!" Jacob began bouncing on his toes. "YES! We can call Trogdor! He'll help us! Burnanate all the people until we get to the I-Max!"

"In their thatched roof cottages!" Edward agreed. "But… Is it safe? To summon Him so soon?"

"I would think so," Jacob said. "I mean… it's a bit after dinner, so he should have eaten and everything. We won't be like telemarketers who call right when you're about to eat. Or the republicans right when you're about to sit down and work on your novel length fan-fic."

"Right" Edward struck a pose, pulling out a cell phone. "And now… THE CALL!" He began to dial, humming the Backstreet Boys hit tune to himself as he pressed the little buttons on the 'phone. "Listen baby I'm NINE, just wanna tell you don't SEEEVEN. I will be EIGHT don't stay up and EIGHT FOUR me. Say it again, ZERO you're droppin' out mah battery is FOUR just so ya know, we're goin' to a place nearby, gotta CALL." He held the 'phone to his ear, listening as it began ringing on the other side.

"HELLO?" he screamed into the phone. "Yes, yes. This is Edward Cullen. Yes from the Cullen family, Edward Cullen. Yes, I'm calling because we need your assistance. Well, funny you should ask our problem. It's quite a doosey indeed. Oh I know, I know. I try to stay out of trouble, but it always seems to find me. Anyway, we need to get to Providence, Rhode Island ASAP. Why Providence? Oh, well we need to the I-Max theater there to get the Feinstein discoutn. I know, I know. It's crazy, but we're in a recession. One must take the discounts where they may lay. So you'll help us? Thank you!" with that Edward clicked his phone closed.

"And?"Jacob leaned forward his ears perking up.

"Oh, no one picked up," Edward replied nonchalantly.

"WHAT?" tears welled in Jacob's eyes. "WE"RE DOOMED!" He sank to his knees and executed a perfect fist pump. "I'LL NEVER FIND MY TRUE LOVE. I'LL DIE A LONELY OLD COOT, AND I'LL HAVE TO WATCH ALL MY OTHER WARE WOLF BRETHERN IMPRINT AND GET GIRLS AND HAVE LOTS OF CRAZY SEX AND I'LL JUST BE STUCK MASTERBATING TO ALL OF QUILLS OLD SPORTS ILLUSTRATED NOVELS BECAUSE SOON ENOUGH HIS SIX-YEAR-OLD SOULMATE WILL BE OLD ENOUGH FOR RELATIONS!' he huffed in many breaths of air, breaking down into wracking sobs.

"This situation is desperate," The Situation fist pumped low, to show his deep concern for the situation at hand.

"This truly is a stick situation," John replied, tapping the shoulder of Jacob forlornly. "Why I remember crying this way. It was because I too intellectual to enjoy my son's town soccer league team winning the championship."

"Did you every think that it wasn't because your too intellectual and more because you're a bad father?" I questioned. There was never a good time for a John Guevermont story, but if there ever was a time less good than never, it was now.

He stared at me wide eyed and mouth agape. His jaw moved, but no sounds came out.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he finally cried, sinking to the ground next to Jacob.

"Great job Bella!" Edward bent down between the two to wrap both into one big brug. "There you go ruining EVERYTHING! You've already ruined christmas forever! Do you really want to ruin Easter too? Do you? Is that was you want? Because I know a few popes or two that would be upset. I say pope or two because I've been a live for over one hundred years because I'm a MONSTER BELLA! STAY AWAY!"

Before I could retort, before I could reply anything about how I knew Edward was a monester, how I hadn't destroyed Easter, how John Guevernmont wasn't intellectual, the Situation began viggorously fist pumping in exclimation.

"Yo! Yo!" He called, trying to get our attention as he pumped at the sky. "YO!"

I looked up. A shadow had been cast across the sky. Like a giant airplane, except… more stick like than I had ever seen an airplane before. And without wings. As the great stick of butter landed in our midsts, a most welcome voice filled the air.

"CLIMB ABOARD, Y'ALL!" Paula Deen yelled. "IT'S TIME TO CAPTURE THAT THERE FART!"


	36. I ain't never gonna dance again. Guilty feet ain't got no rhythm.

I always question MySpace Tom's friendship. From the moment I had joined the website, I felt as though our friendship was superficial. Tom didn't care about me or my well being. Tom didn't call me when Edward had left me for months on end, Tom didn't send me gift baskets when I got married, Tom didn't even reply to my wedding invitation!

I took my cellular phone out of my pocket, checking to see if I had missed any text messages. Tom hadn't even left me a text to ask how my ride on the giant stick of butter was going.

The next time Tom decided to cross my path, we would have words.

"THIS IS SO GREAT!" Edward exclaimed. "LOOK BELLA! I CAN SEE SOME TREES!" He pointed downward, indicating that there were indeed trees below us.

"That's nice, Edward," I replied, not really paying attention. "Great."

"You better hold on tight, Spider Monkey," he turned, capturing my eyes with his own. I was like a prisoner, trapped in a smoldering jail. My heart began to melt, almost as much as the butter was.

"NOW GET ON READY FOR THE LANDIN' YA'LL!" Paula Dean cried out with a "YEHAW!" as she started to descend over the smallest state in the union.

"Aww man yo!" The Situation fist pumped with excitment. "Dis is like Guido HQ!"

"DAG YO!" Jacob fist pumped in time with The Situation.

"Yeah son! Now we can make smush smush with da fly ladies!"

"Smush smush?" I cocked an eyebrow unaware of the hip kid lingo as I was a particularly lame, uncool, and bland kid. How I managed to score such a wonderful God as The Edward Cullen was beyond on me.

"God Bella!" Edward's smoldering eyes rolled in my direction. "It means having carnal relations! Dumb."

"Well I wouldn't know anything about carnal relations, would I, Edward?"

"OH MY GOD!" he instantly broke into sobs. "YOU'RE SO HURTFUL!"

"Now, now ya'll!" Paula Deen's soothing southern twang cut into Edward's sob. "Ya'll just need a lil' buttah. Why buttah solves any ole fix!"

"Butter is like duct tape," Jacob nodded. "Except you can cook with it! Isn't that neat?"

"Duct tape…." Edward's gaze grew distant as he stared meaningfully into the sun, his skin glittering like a thousand tiny diamonds all reflecting off of his largest organ.

"Yes," Jacob nodded. "Excactly! Duct tape!" He looked very proud of Edward for understanding. "But I think that you and Bella might need something more than duct tape," he bit his lip. much like I was prone to doing. "You know, Eddie, back before I imprinted on Farterella, I was totally in love with Bella."

"You were WHAT?" Edward flailed, almost falling off the butter.

"I know, I know. I have no idea what I saw in her either. But in those… dark years, I learned several things about women which I feel as though I should pass on to you. How to… how to satisfy the ladies, if you will."

Edward raised a skeptical eyebrow to Jacob. "Go on," he stated, his velvet voice covering my eardrums like an overly priced and probably uncomfortable blanket.

"You need to take your shirt off."

"I… what does this have to do with butter?" my perfect vampire husband looked perfectly confused. It was glorious.

"You take the butter stick," Jacob demonstraited by cutting out a stick from our flying transporter. "And you rub it all over your chest. So you are all buttery and slick," he did as he said.

I lost control.

"Oh, Jacob," I purred, rubbing myself up against his perfectly oiled chest. "Your chest is so divine."

"See?" Jacob wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "It's like flies to honey! It never fails and can season your popcorn in a pinch!"

"WOW!" Edward huffed, ripping his shirt of and throwing it off the magic stick. "I must try this!" he grabbed a hunk of butter and traced his abs in a manner similar to Jacob. "How do I look?" He placed his hands on his hips and sat up straight.

"Amazing," John breathed, his hands clasped lovingly over his heart. "The student has now become the teacher."

"So can I start telling you stories of my accomplishments?"

"Well, you could never accomplish as much as I possibly could. Did I ever tell you about the play I wrote? It's called Chairs. I could never show it to anyone it was too sexual and intellectual for anyone to get."

"If you're so great why aren't any of your plays published?" I questioned while rubbing myself upon Jacob like I was a half leopard, half human in heat. But I didn't realize I was leopard shape shifter, so I was confused as to why I wanted to rub my lady parts all over Jacob. Except I knew why I wanted to rub my lady parts all over him.

"BELLA!" Edward roared embraced John in a motherly hug. "Don't say those sorts of things! This man is a genius! A GENIUS I TELL YOU!"

"This man is a washed out, French-Canadian, highschool English teacher!" I screamed. "Edward, he's a loser! A loser!"

"Word," the Situation nodded in agreement.

"See?" I ha-rumphed. "Even the Situation agrees with me!"

"Word," he said again.

"I see," Edward stroked his chin ponderfully. "I... I suppose… If Situation thinks it is so. It must be true."

"Word," I nodded.

"Bella?" Jacob's voice paused me in my nodding. "Bella, do you think you could stop rubbing on me? I'm starting to chafe."

I looked down, a huge rash was beginning to form on Jacob's perfectly sculpted and buttered abs. "Sorry."

"It's okay," he slabbed more butter against his skin. "This stuff is like Windex. I'll be fine." He lowered his eyebrows, squinting at me meaningfully. "Although, I think you might want to go rub up ON YOUR MAN." There was a not-so-subtle wiggling of the eyebrows.

I looked over at Edward, slabbed in butter like a Christmas Turkey. The bits of churned dairy clinging awkwardly to his chest hair. His squishy nipples glistened in the sun.

"I think I'm good," I said to Jacob.

He shrugged. "Your loss. Edward is quite the looker. Everything about him lures you in. His face. His v-"

"I KNOW," I threw my arms up in exasperation. "I KNOW! MONSTER BELLA! STAY AAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"You have to finish your words," Edward called to me as I began falling through the sky.

The wind rushed past every part of my body as I was flying through the air at the rate of acceleration due to free fall. If the basic law of physics taught me anything, I was hurdling towards the ground exponentially faster with each foot I fell. My life flashed before my eyes. My pitful orgasmless excuse for a life. I couldn't believe I was going to die without the earthly pleasure of an orgasm. What would Jesus think when I arrived at the heavenly gates without ever having an orgasm? Why, I would be laughed out of heaven. It was desperate times, and desperate times called for desperate matters. I did what any sex deprived woman falling from a stick of flying butter would do. I stuck my hands down my pants and began to masturbate.

"OH YA'll!" Paula Deen's voice called from above. She was turning the butter in hot persuit of me.

"MY WIFE!" Edward screamed, leaning over the edge of the stick. "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH OUT HER! Of course, I can't die because I'm immortal because I'm A MONSTER BELLA! STAY AWAY!"

"Edward you fool!" I moaned, the pleasure of pleasuring myself taking away a bit of the horror of my body about to be slammed into the ground. "I am getting away from you, I'm falling to my death aren't I?"

"She does have a point," John Guervermont nodded as Edward broke into sobs.

"Who will I reenact Jesus Christ Super Star to now?"

"Don't get down!" Jacob clapped him on the back. "You have a beautiful diabetic rock star waiting for you in the hotel."

"Bret," Edward sighed loveingly. "He never judged me. Him, with his wonderful wig and eyelined eyes!"

"Now, now ya'll!" Paula Deen's voice strained as she piloted the butter like only a Food Network chef trying to save someone who had fallen off a flying stick of butter could. "I'm not given up on this little filly just yet!"

"You reckon you'll be able to save her?" Edward plastered on a fake southern accent as he stared at Paula with doe eyes.

"Why, I don't rightly know, Edward. But I'm sure as hell gonna try!"

I was happy that Paula was at least cared an ounce about me. I fapped like I had never fapped before because I had never fapped before this very occasion. I had thought about it frequently, but as a good mormon I knew it was against the rules. However, now seemed as good as time as any to begin. I fapped as if it was going out of style. Like the Nazis had come back and they were attacking the act of fapping. I had to have one last fap before the Nazis bust into my hiding spot and take my fap away. Why, I was fapping like a teenage boy that had just discovered his penis. It was glorious. It was if I was being frozen in time, hovering in a single spot.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" R. Kelly's soulful voice set the mood.

I lifted my head up to gauge my surrounding to surprisingly find that I was no longer falling through the sky, but was being held a float in mid-air. It was a fapping miracle!

"I think she's stopped falling," I heard Jacob explain. "It looks like the power of her hand in her pants has caused her to defy gravity."

"Oh my god," John Guevernmont looked positively giddy. "I know exactly that that's like! I do it all the time! Did I ever tell you about the time I defied gravity because I am actually the wicked witch of the west?"

"My fapping is not a wicked witch!" I shouted up, my voice lost to the clouds. "I am a very needy woman, but I am not a wicked witch!" in fact, I had never felt less wicked or witchy in my life. All those years I had spent, only gracing my nether regons just to wipe after bathroom activities, those years were wasted. How I had survived before this, I will never know. I was like the blind man who had never seen the rainbow of sparkles off of Edward's perfect skin.

I began falling once more.

It seemed as though I could only stay a float while I was getting down to business. If I let my mind wander, I was surely doomed. I had to keep going.

"Focus, Bella, Focus!" I told myself, concentrating on the mental images of Edward in assless chaps. Edward naked in the sand, ironing some shirts. Edward covered in dairy-free whipped topping and two cherries strategically placed. Edward wearing our Newtons.

I began to rise into the sky. The power of the fap taking me to new heights, literally and figuratively. I chuckled to myself, proud of that clever quip. I never could come up with these thigns when it was important, but when I was all alone, they came to me like I was sure orgasms would if I were to just continue with my actions.

"She's risin!" Paula Deen pointed, indicating my height. "She's like a ball of bread dough filled with yeast!"

"Wow," Jacob and Situation said and fist pumped at the same time. "Dat's sumthin," The Situation gasped.

"Hold steady e'ery one! I'm bringing her in!" Paula swooped the butter down below me, easing the stick up me until I was safely aboard it once more.

"You have a really talent there Bella," Jacob mused, shaking my hand as if I were a celebrity. "You should start a road show or something."

"You could make sum serious smush smush wit dat," The Situation nodded in agreement.

"Thanks guys," I smiled widely. For the first time since these characters invaded what seemed to be my sorrowful story with erectile dysfunction, I felt like I had fit in. Like my hidden power had proved to masses that I, little bland Bella Swan, was worthy of something. Now I knew how New York felt when she received her own reality TV show after not being picked by Flavor Flav twice. And the feeling was wonderful.

I turned to face Edward, expecting to be greeted with a sparkly demeanor. Instead, I was face to face with Edward's perfect stone features etched into a scowl.

"Well Bella," he began his tone filled with irritation. "I hope you're happy!"

"I'm not dead...so I guess I am happy."

"I WISH YOU HAD DIED!" he spat, breaking into a fresh batch of sobs. "I'm a good Christian man Bella and I thought I had married a good Christian woman! Well, I good Christian woman would never masturbate like you have. I...I… I WANT A DIVORCE!" he screamed.

The rest of the butter went silent. The only sound that could be heard was the echoing of R. Kelly's "Oh Shits," fading off into the sunset.


	37. OBJECTION!

The scenery around us changed drastically as Edward declared his need for divorce. Suddenly we were plunged down, falling like I had before, but I was too in shock to begin masterbating to save my life. Fortunately, the melted butter provided us with a soft, slippery landing point as we crashed into the coutroom.

"Judge Judith Sheindlin presiding!" a voice boomed out. "This is the case of Isabella Marie Swan Cullen vs. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen." I heard the stamping of a typewriter as our names were printed below us, floating in mid-air as if by magic.

Judge Judy lowered her glasses, glaring over her nose at the two of us. Our companions stared silently on from where they had nearly fallen into the chairs behind the jury. "You're all idiots," she stated.

"Hey… hey… HEY!" Edward sounded wounded by her sharp words. "I'm not an idiot!" he poked his skull as he spoke. "I have the mind of an Elephant! Elephant!"

I watched Edward's proud face fall as Judge Judy said something snarky and rude to him, causing him to quickly stop tapping his skull in emphasis of the word elephant. It was a relief and a curse all at once. I had heard of this woman before. My father, Charlie, who I never actually call dad because I am too mature and grown up to do such things to, was a connoisseur for courtroom dramas. He would often come home from a long day of policing around some forks (literally, a pile of forks that he kept in the middle of the office) and tell me about the latest judicial rulings as I, like a good female, would cook his supper, clean his laundry and do all menial household chores.

"They got 'em gud!" he'd grunt as he stuffed steaks down his larynx. "They got 'em good."

"I OBJECT!" Edward yelled in retort of Judge Judy's snarky comment, several seconds after she had made it. It needed to coincide with my interior monologue and flash back about my father that I don't like to refer to as dad or any other word that might relate to paternal-child relationship.

"Over ruled," Judge Judy called.

"YOU'RE OVER RULED!" he screamed back, passion and tears flowing from his eyes.

"Mr. Cullen! You will show me some respect when you're sitting in my courtroom!"

"Yeah...Oh yeah! Well, yeah! Well… DUNK DUNK!" Edward made the noise from Law and Order in which the black screen comes up for them to switch scenes. "Now we're not in your courtroom! We're in an apartment in the Upper East Side!" he cocked his head back and forth and snapped in Z formation.

"See?" I gestured to Edward as he shifted smugly in his seat. "This is what I'm talking about! He's dumb!"

"FIE!" Edward cried, pointing a finger at me. "You wretched…POOPY HEAD!"

"Mr. Cullen!" Judge Judy began only to have Edward slam his hands over his ears.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" he screamed. "I MADE THE DUNK DUNK SOUND FROM LAW AND ORDER! WE'RE NOT HERE ANYMORE!"

There was a short silence, no one really knowing how to accept this.

"He's right," Jacob said after a time. "We are in an apartment in the Upper East Side."

We all glanced about, looking around wildly. Despite never believing it would be true, we suddenly found ourselves in an apartment in the Upper East Side.

"Oh, Sorry crack addicts," Edward bowed gracefully to the not-well-off family staring back at us. "I was just in court to get a divorce, you see, when I decided to make the DONK DONK! noise, you know, from Law and Order, and then we were here. I didn't mean to intrude, but you know how these things work."

They clearly did not know how these things worked. They glanced around at each of us in turn. Edward, with his perfectness radiating out like a cancerous growth. Jacob with his abs. Paula Deen with her butter. John Guevernmont with his ducky tie and chalk-stained shirt. The Situation also with his abs. R. Kelly with his soulful sounds. Judge Judy with her angry, prune-like face. And lastly… me. Me with my normal, boring, human self.

"What the fuck?" the presumably more sober of the group asked.

"Shit's laced, bro," a shorter member nodded.

"Ace, bro."

"Mmmmhmmm."

"Well, we'd better get going!" Edward nodded jovially, giving a friendly wave. "DONK DONK!" he sang, his head making the fancy movements. Once again, we were transported through the power of song.

"Welcome to the Feinstien I-Max Theatah," a young girl chewed her gum in our general direction. "Are you lookin' to get tickets or somethin? The next show is in a half an houah."

Her Rhode Island accent diddled our earholes like a well trained pornstar. Despite everything, we had finally arrived at our destination. I sprung to my feet, pulling out my Feinstein Junior Scholar card, holding it up proudly.

"I'D LIKE TICKETS PLEASE!" I said, a bit too loudly for the location. "RIGHT NOW! I NEED TO GET INTO THAT THEATER!" I fell against the counter, grabbing the girl by her collar. "You don't understand!" I shook her slightly, forcing her to look me in my crazed eyes. "I have been married for days and I have not yet orgasmed." I shook her harder to press the point home. "NOT. YET. ORGASMED! GET ME IN THAT THEATER!"

"BELLA!" Edward gasped. "THIS IS NOT A THEATER OF ILL REPUTE! Alan Shawn Feinstien would never show I-Max pornography!"

I whipped my hair back and forth, smacking the girl in the face with the force of my hair until I finally settled my crazed gaze on Edward. "YOU THINK THAT IS MY PLAN! YOU THINK THAT IS WHAT I WANT? EDWARD! YOU ARE NO ELEPHANT!"

I could see the daggers my words slung into Edward's heart. He fell back against the wall, dropping to his knees into a sorrowful weep.

"Bella! Your word...they cut...they cut me deep. THEY CUT ME LIKE A SPEAR FROM THE ARMY OF ZULU HUNTERS!"

"Well, I'm sorry Edward, but if you really had the mind of an elephant. Elephant," I tapped my head twice for emphasis. "You would know that I wanted to get into the theater to try and find Farterella!"

"Farterella?" Edward looked off into the distance as if he was searching into the recesses of his mind for a distant memory. "Oh yes. The fart. Jacob's fart."

"FARTERELLA!" Jacob screamed, slamming some money on the table. "DADDYS COMIN' HOME BABY!"

"Well, really you going to bring her home, considering she's the one that left and all," I explained.

"God Bella!" Edward screamed. "DUMB!"

"What movie are we going to see?" John Guvermont asked as we all lined up behind Jacob to receive our 3-D glasses. "I'm quite knowledgeable about meanings and hidden themes in movies you know. Why, I would like to start a class or an after school club on it or something."

"We're going to see," Jacob stared down at the ticket. "Twilight!"

"TWILIGHT!" Edward screeched like a fan-girl for the Justin Bieber strip show. "I LOVE THAT MOVIE! THAT EDWARD CHARACTER IS SO ROMANTIC AND HUNKY! I''d suck his blood if you know what I mean," he chuckled, elbowing The Situation in the ribs."

"Yeah, dat Bella Swan charactah ain't so bad herself. She's kinda bland tho. Could use a little bit mo' of a tan. Den she'd be ready for the shore!" the Situation fist pumped with glee.

"I bet he could teach you two a thing or two about being a man," I muttered under my breath.

"I!" Edward stood with his hand upon his hips. "AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT MALE! WHY LOOK IT HERE!" Edward began to unzip his pants. "Look, I'm wearing boxers. Only men wear boxers, Bella. God. Dumb."

"Yup Edward. You're a big, big man!"

"That's right! Everything about me draws you in. My scent, the way I look. My voice! I "M A MONSTER BELLA!"

"Must you say this every chapter?" I questioned.

"Yes. I can't stress it enough."

"Guys!" Jacob bounced up and down with excitement only a shapeshifter about to find his soul mate could have. "We can go in."

We walked into the theater and scanned the darkened room. This would be a night we would remember forever. Even more so than the night we dined in hell.


	38. Let's Go To The Movies, Let's Go See The Stars!

We filed into the Feinstein IMax theater like sheep being filed in to the slaughter house. The walk up to the seats passed us by a dapper man in a tweed suit.

"Is that Alan Shawn Feinstein?" Jacob whispered.

"Yes kids, it's me. Alan Shawn Feinstein," Alan Shawn Feinstein turned on his heels to face us as we entered. "Welcome to the IMax theateah. Please take yeah seats. And prepah yourselfs for da best film of all time. But not befoah I give youz a little talk about da youfs of Rhode Islan'."

"Come along," John Guevernmont ushered us to our seats. "You stay away from that man, Bella. You stay away from him."

"What? Why?" I asked. "Isn't he just some local lame philanthropist who blesses us all with his wonderful good deeds and kind of pathetic little band that visits grade schools?"

"Well… Yes," John shrugged a bit. "But we're NOT all a family under one sky. I question his motives… AND HIS LIES."

"So you don't want equality?"

"But there isn't equality, Bella! Haven't you ever woken up and felt so much better than everyone else? Maybe that's just me. You know, because I teach at a Catholic school, I realize, that I'm an intellectual. And as an intellectual, I can't enjoy in the same things normal people do. Like once…"

"You cried in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. Yes, yes. I know," I sighed. John Guevermont was a broken record. A self praising broken record.

"And now!" he eyes overflowed with tears. "I'll add the Alan Shawn Feinstein I-Max theater to the list!" he burst into loud dramatic sobs.

"BELLA!" Edward ran up the stairs and wrapped John in to a cradling hug. "How dear you make this wonderful, wonderful man cry!"

"But, I...I...I didn't!'

"THAT'S RIGHT BELLA! YOU DIDN"T DO ANYTHING! YOU'RE GOOD FOR NOTHING! That's why we're getting that divorce!"

Edward's words cut me deep. Cut me like grade school safety scissors through some green felt.

"Ouch." I said quietly holding a hand to my bosom. "Why'd you have to do me like that?"

Edward's perfect features softened as he laid a comforting hand upon my shoulders. "Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind Bella. Which is why I had to leave you! I was trying to be kind, Bella! Kind, because I could hurt you if you come too close, which you will because everything about me draws you in! My face, my voice, my looks, my smell! I'M A MONSTER BELLA! STAY AWAY!" he shielded his face and leaned towards the other side of the seat.

"GUY, GUYS! QUIET!" Jacob whispered harshly as the theater lights began to dim. "It's starting!"

A soft spotlight shined onto the corner of the theater once the houselights had gone out. Alan Shawn Feinstein was doing some soft-shoe under the light, holding a cane and bowler hat. We all watched in stunned silence as he began an interpretive dance, reflecting his feelings towards the youth of the state and how proud he was of them. It was absolutely beautiful, and managed to capture his perfect accent, as well as his slightly off-putting pride. When he reenacted Ari, telling us that all of us were loved, I shed a tear.

The lights once again went out and we glued our eyes to the massive, four story screen in front of us. All the breaths in the audience were held as the SMELL-O-VISION 3D logo popped up on the screen, not wanting to spoil the opening credits and fragrances.

"Oh man, oh man," Jacob began panting heavily, not able to contain his excitement and glee. "Oh man oh man oh man!"

"Easy boy," Situation scratched a bit behind his ear to try to calm him down. It didn't work. Jacob kicked at the seat in front of him with his foot as he got worked up.

I took a deep breath through the nostrils as soon as the opening song began to play. The smell-o-vision was really making the movie more realistic for me. I watched as the cameras soared around my small hometown of Forks Washington, the smell of rained-on animal poop and slightly rotted trees bringing me back to home. It was oddly comforting after being away from home for so long. I grew dangerously complacent and relaxed.

"OH. MY. GOD." Jacob slammed his fists on the shared arm rests. The lead character, Fella Swamp had just come on the screen, biting her lip and releasing the krakken from her colon. "FARTERELLA! WE FOUND YOU!"

"Oh my god!" Edward fanned the tears from his eyes. "True love is so beautiful! I'm sorry," he shieled his face from the rest of us. "I can't help but cry when the union of two people meant to be together happens! IT"S TOO BEAUTIFUL!"

"FARTERELLA!" Jacob banshee screamed as he took of down the stairs in a sprint. He jumped up to the screen only to bounce of the wall and back to the ground. "FARTERELLA!" he screamed trying to gain access into the movie once more. He tried several more times before collapsing on the ground in a fit of sobs. "WHY?" he threw his hands up to the heavens, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"It's okay man," Edward moved the pat Jacob on the back. "I know that feel bro."

"NO!" he pushed Edward's hand away. "YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU HAVE YOUR SOUL MATE, BELLA! SHE RIGHT THERE! SEE?" he pointed up the stadium theater seats to where I sat, nestled between John Guevermont and R. Kelly.

"Bella?" Edward stared up the seats, looking off into the distance as if I was a faint memory in his past before bursting into laughter. "BELLA? My soulmate? Now I've heard….wait a second! SHE IS MY SOULMATE! COME TO PAPA BABY!" he took off up the stairs.

I wish that, in this moment, I could honestly say that I fled. That I ran from the spot. After knowing all that Edward had put me through, how could I stay in one place and let him continue our painful romance? I would be a fool not to flee.

It was in that moment I found it all to be true. All he had ever told me. Everything about him lured me in. His face, his voice, his smell. He was a monster and I, Bella, could not stay away.

"Oh Edward!" I swooned as his perfect body bounded up the awkwardly small staircase towards my person. "Edward, let us never part again! I was about to go sit in the sun room, for several months on end as the soundtrack of my life dramatically played on and month names flashed before my eyes!"

"I know, baby, I know," he took my hand from inside the popcorn bucket. "Don't cry baby. Yeh shoulda picked me. YEH SHOULDA PICKED ME!" My heart was won over as he once again quoted from the I Love New York season 1 finale. How could I ever doubt my love for this man? This vampire? He was perfect in a way that only Joseph Smith was perfect, if not more prefect than that.

"I do pick you!" I cried as I fell into his arms.

"This is so nice!" R. Kelly's soulful voice serenaded. "Imma sing ya'll a song." he began singing Feelin' on Yo' Booty, as Edward and I slow danced. As he crescendoed to the Boohootay part Edward and I locked lips for the first time since this wild honey moon had began.

"Well, isn't this lovely!" Jacob's voice cut through the romantic interlude. "While you two just have...HAVE SEX, in this public place, I am without my fart!" he screamed before running from the theater in a fit of sobs.

"You know what we have to do Bella?" Edward's voice caressed my ears.

"I know," I sighed as we all followed after Jacob. We had to find his fart.

I had expected that the fart would be easily located once we got to the IMax. While I can't exactly remember why we went there in the first place, it seemed like it would be the final destination in this whole event. I had not anticipated that the Fart would be the star in the pictures, but rather I anticipated the fart would be among us, watching the pictures. Enjoying them.

"Where to now?" I asked, panting slightly as we ran after Jacob throughout the slightly confusing layout of the Providence Place Mall, skipping down the badly positioned escalators.

"Bella Swan," a snooty fake-British accent worked its way into my ears. "YOU'RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!"


End file.
